Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Carbon monoxide poisoning (quick)
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Yuewolf 21:52, June 19, 2011 (UTC)
- I could give you a piece-by-piece on this one... right, yes. I'll do that. 13:31, 23 June 2011
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|So. Carbon monoxide, is it? You seem to be taking a pretty direct approach, talking about it, mentioning sillies, etc, but who are you in doing so? It seems to start out as if it's a news thing, or... well, I'm not entirely sure, actually, which is a bit of a problem, and possibly what put me off so much about this in the first place. But it seems the bulk of this is as if an advertisement or some sort of pamphlet for the alarm company; why not stick to that throughout the thing? Introduce the company, introduce the product, and tie in all those wonderful reasons why it's such a good thing to have alarms and whatnot... and then perhaps end on the note that they won't actually help, though. Makes for a nice twist, especially if you really build up to it, and I suspect it could make for a much nicer if led up to and used as a conclusion or whatnot. Turn the entire thing into one big joke.
Mind, whatever you do, you should probably make the frame of the thing consistent. If it's all to be an advertisement, take out the bits that wouldn't fit such a thing, like the suicide, as it currently is, or perhaps make them fit. Perhaps the company is selling suicide-related and trying to make an extra sale, something like that. Or you could make sections of several different related pamphlets - is that what you're currently going for? - make them look it, though, and make it clear. The first would be from the UGH, the second from the company, the third from some suicidal support group, and the last bit... a note from some passerby? Just pull the whole piece together in some way and it will help, is my point. Should make jokes easier as well, tying them into the concept instead of just random things like a lot of it currently feels like.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
So you start with quotes... I understand that may have been the thing to do in 2005, but we really tend to look more disfavourably on the things these days. These ones here are a perfect example of why - 'I'm not interested in this topic' could be said of anything - and that's the problem with quotes; they almost never tie into the idea of the article itself, and yet they're really only any use if they do, if they help set the scene and the mood and lead into the actual introduction. The second, at least, is related, but it's still not funny... may as well lose those.
From there, urging the public to take precautions - why? What's the problem? Setting that up first would probably help, since without that taking precautions is completely baseless. Gas-powered vibrators also don't really make any sense, especially without the context. If you list them as part of a three, as Kevillips said, 'gas stoves, automobiles, and gas-powered vibrators' or some such, that would work better. Gives folks a frame of reference for the unusual to stand against. Otherwise it just seems random.
Pussy-ass gass? Who is the speaker here? Are they the sort to say that? If they are, good, but then there should be more of that througout the piece...
Major Sources of Carbon Monoxide
'This is not a good thing.' Good is so subjective, but it seems this is where you're starting to introduce the company trying to sell things? Or is it? Good is very subjective, and the article so far has been much more neutral; it stands out, so either do something with it, or it'll just detract from the read. Perhaps the citation needed was to poke at that, but seeing as it's the only citation needed or citation in the entire thing, it also just stands out.
Carbon Monoxide Alarms
Ahah, advertising! It comes on suddenly, though, not much lead up. So why the bottoms of vehicles? Perhaps there's a funny reason why it's bottom instead of the top, where some people might want to put it. Unreasonable reasons for reasonable things can be fun.
But then it just gets... technically and... well, it looks boring. Reads boringer, meaning nothing to me. Should it mean something, or is it just technobabble? And why nipple clamps, of all things? The notion of them being gas-powered is certainly odd, seeing as as far as I know the things ain't powered at all, but at this point it's bordering on a mite too odd. Perhaps a fleshlight would make more sense for another sexually-related gas use? Or one of them realdolls...
I like the twist of how the alarms won't actually help, but this perhaps is not actually the best place for that, seeing as the articl continues for a fair bit more. Can't be dead if the speaker's still going and the reader's still reading.
Oh no, I think I just breathed in a straight whiff of fresh-from-the-can carbon monoxide...
But how would one figure they are suffering from it? When should they start being paranoid, or is this assuming a general ana... a... whatever that word is. Whatever that one is. Paranoid folks, anyhow. And once at the nursing home, why is it too late? Why bother then? And if the speaker knows its hopeless, perhaps directing them directly to the nursing home would be better, with the roundabout the hospitals as an example of what would happen otherwise...
I'm thinking maybe the symptoms would go better down here instead of in the introduction, anyhow. Intros are for generals, not specifics, and by this part of the article a lot of people may forget the specifics anyhow...
Lists. Did you know they attract vandalism? They also tend not to be that funny when of short things; often putting it in paragraph form like you did in the intro and expanding upon the more potentially amusing entries is a lot more effective. It probably would be here, unless it really is supposed to be cut out of some sort of peculiar recipe book. That many is still a bit much, since why would a one actually be using most of those things? Saying why would help, especially if it's strange - like if it suggested gopher repellent - for use on the nest of squirrels that took up residence in the engine and are now preventing the long-awaited suicide, the bastards.
Okay, this is funny, but it's just so random. You should probably find a way to make it fit with the rest of it more, since removing it would be a shame. Have it be a cited quote or something, or make the speakers in the other sections distinct from each other as well, or...
I guess I've never been a fan of see also lists, and this isn't really an exception. Doesn't really do anything. Doesn make any further jokes, all just links that would probably be in the article proper...
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|I guess this is a prose issue, but the not knowing what part is which makes it a little less pleasant to read. Make it clear who's speaking and whatnot, like I said before, or what the thing is supposed to be. As it is the organisation of the piece seems a little lacking; not much of a beginning, middle or end, nor much build-up anywhere. It just talks. Talking is good, but it should rise and fall and lead from one thing to the next, usually. Unless it really is made up of separate pieces.
Also, red links - they can be good, especially if it's articles folks are actually likely to create/should create, but things like the company, the health goup, a magazine, there's really not much point in linking them until there is an article on the subject, since the red links just look bad. Having so many isn't generally that good, either, as again, it tends to look bad. That said, I removed a couple. I guess I'm just explaining why, for future reference, or whatnot.
Overall the writing itself is pretty decent. Went through and hyphenated a few things, tried to make some others flow... but other lines I didn't really know what to do with, like 'Carbon monoxide is produced as a result of not fully producing the intended effect of fuels' - saying 'produce' twice in such rapid succession makes it read funny, but 'not fully producing the intended effect' could probably be better written as a simpler sentence. 'As a result of improperly combusted fuels', perhaps. Usually reading it aloud can help when trying to make a piece more fluid, though. You may be able to find more that way.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|Good images, though may or may not look better with more varied sizes. Make the captions fit the tones of the sections, though, or they'll not seem connected. First one doesn't, anyhow. Tie it in more to the intro.|
Anything else... or not...
|Ratings mean nothing. Numbers mean nothing. They're all just arbitrary scales that boil down to a moment in time and an impression coloured by that moment.|
|Final score |
14:08, 24 June 2011
|Right, sorry I was so hard on you about this before... it's a good start, and oughtn't give up on it. Hopefully this will help, but this is just thoughts and ideas and whatnot. That said, if I completely missed the point or points, you may want to take them as a sign that you should make whatever it was more clear, or some such.
Anyhow, if you have any questions or comments or whatnot, you know where to find me. Good luck, and I do hope you continue working on this.