Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Captain Nimblestone
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Hello kind reviewer! I started this a while back and then decided to finish it off now that I'm back and here to stay. I now the images are shit, I always just tack mine on after I've done the important bit, if you can suggest some good stuff I'll get Sonje to put the work in. I would like to know if you think it's feature worthy, like I said, been away for a while need to make sure I've still got 'it' whatever it is. Anyway, ta! 21:49 12 December 2010
- I'm in here now, 24 hours, likely less. -- 15:22, December 13, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||Righto, first off I have been really looking forward to reading this one, and I must say that I met with mixed feelings upon completing it. The reason for this is that the article contains some excellent humour that is very reminiscent of your earlier articles, regrettably the humour in here isn't having the impact I feel it should; I can see that there is the foundation for something brilliant here but the execution is a little skewed. The very first thing that struck me was the context of your article, you seem inordinately keen to get to the episode summaries and your scene suffers as a result. Case in point, as I finished your preamble I knew that you were describing a TV programme but I had no idea what it was about and throughout the article I found I was left to conclude this for myself, that isn't to say you fail to signpost it entirely but there is no point where you say something like "Captain Nimblestone was a science fiction etc. it depicts the adventures of Captain Nimblestone, a low ranking bounty hunter and member of the bounty hunter's guild and his fight with Mohammed Omad Hassan Tristan Ali". The point I am trying laboriously to get to here is that you need to set the article up more, go to wikipedia and look at how they put their article on Doctor Who in context; then try to consider yours alongside it. The reason I am making such a fuss over this is that it stops your jokes having the impact you both want and need them to have; it is fair enough when I read the article as I am reading it to try and criticise it, so will read all of it, but without sufficient context you may find that people are not completing the article beyond the character section as they will feel they do not understand what is going on, and for Uncyclopedians in the main that is going to be enough to make them close the article down, and it would be a shame as the article vastly improves as it goes on. The second thing that struck me was the humour in the episode summaries. It's very random in places and certainly isn't welcoming to persons wanting a clear structure, you are often trying to do too many things at once, you want to emphasise this aspect about a character and but at the same time you are trying to do something humorous with the plot and it does get a bit too much some of the time, couple this with the fact the reader can be unsure as to what is going on initially it makes for a somewhat confusing mix. Permit me to expand as I note that the above is somewhat vague. Consider "When they arrive in Cardiff the Captain checks them into a motel and immediately starts squeezing his plumb trunk. While the captain in pumping out a coconut milkshake Llewellyn is trapped on a bus that cannot go slower than 50 miles per hour without causing a black hole to form and destroy the world." my immediate question here was why are they in Cardiff? I then moved onto thinking that it was rather strange. I did wonder for a while whether you were intending to make some kind of parallel with Doctor Who or Torchwood, but neither seemed to lend their plots (that I am aware of) to this article. My recommendation here would be slow down, there is no hurry to get the information to the reader and it is worth making a reader wait if you are constructing a joke.
However I don't want to give you the impression that the article is utterly hopeless, there are instances where everything works and I did find myself chuckling a few times as I read through the article. Your repetition humour is superb and was one of the things I particularly enjoyed in your earlier work, once you pick up a good concept you are excellent at getting all the humour out of it. My enduring feeling in this regard was that you actually underused some jokes, as you moved through the episode summaries I was expecting the format of the episodes to stay almost exactly the same throughout, in the same style as with episodes 1 and 2. By all means you could change the content but the structure I anticipated would stay the same with every episode starting with Captain Nimblestone waxing his javelin and then being called into General Mars' office, and then regardless of the situation checking into a B&B or Hotel in Wales, even if the particular crisis happens to be in another country altogether.
Overall this is ready to become something much better, but you need to work out a few problems to get it to that point. Your style of humour is good and your writing is generally without issues but you need to slow things down and make sure you are setting this out in a way that does it justice.
|Concept:||8||The concept itself is pretty good though as I already mentioned, I am unsure if I am missing an aim a parody here. The issue in this regard is the execution of your tone more than your execution of the concept, which I have already mentioned. The tone here is obviously encyclopaedic but you are relying on brackets in order to make some of the points you need to make and I question whether you need to do this. Permit me to expand consider early on in the article where you say "Captain Nimblestone is an early forty-first century British television comedy drama that consistently makes twenty-first century references for humorous effect (largely to audiances that currently live in the twenty-first century)" is there a need to use the brackets here? My feeling was that instead you could simply have rewritten it to say "... for humorous effect, an unfortunate choice considering the programme aired almost exclusively to persons living in the 21st century". In this way you could remove almost all need for brackets from the article and end up with the silky smooth encyclopaedic feel that readers love and babies want to rub their faces on.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||I'm not going to spend a paragraph boring you when I could simply refer you to some of my earlier review comments in this regard. You need to take a bit more care doing your proofreading, etc. etc. You know what I'm going to say and you know well enough how to sort it. Otherwise your formatting is fine, again you know what you are doing here so I shall let you sort it yourself when new images arrive.|
|Images:||6||As you say yourself the images are being replaced, but I would like to point out that I thought the images and captions that go with the episode 1 and 2 summaries are very appropriate and made me laugh so I would advise against changing those. The other comment I have to make is that you should add a few more images as the article needs more illustration, if you don't want to add more images then size increases would be a reasonable mid-point.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||35||Not a bad effort, unfortunately all your work will be judged based on what you have written before, but regardless I think you can make this one excellent, it just needs a bit more work. You need to slow things down and establish your premise before you begin telling the reader about it, remember you can decorate a room splendidly, but you need a floor and walls first. Take a bit more time with this one and I think you will have an excellent piece of work to show for it.|
|Reviewer:||--17:03, December 13, 2010 (UTC)|