Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Captain Morgan

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edit Captain Morgan

This was my rewrite page for the last PLS. Got second place actually. I'd like some advice on how this can be made excellent rather than
just average or good. Thanks! -- SirSf13 (Talk) Upsilonsigmasigmacrest CUN RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 03:19 EST 9 Aug, 2010

I'll give this a review. Or try to. I'll come back and say if I don't, though, so for now let's assume one day, give or take a time zone and possibly a daylight savings time, you'll have your review. Cheers. ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20100910 - 18:07 (UTC)

Okay, this could take a little longer, since my power went out while I was working on it. (Almost done, too... gorrammit) Soon, though. Soon. ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20100911 - 20:56 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Okay, the power seems to be done going out every ten minutes, so let's get this review done. But from a laptop. Just in case.

The humour is, for the most part, fairly impeccable. You work well off the brand name (or whatever that was) and mascot to make an in-depth history and elaboration on what really happened. Because let's face it, marketing and branding are boring. Well, usually. But this works better like this, I think.

A couple of things, though. The introduction could introduce the following article better - it lists some things that aren't even mentioned in the rest of it, and what does come is not entirely what the rest of the introduction indicated, if that makes any sense. But the Captain Morgan Marque Act, for instance. What is that? You could probably take that somewhere grand, yet it doesn't even come in the rest of it.

And how, exactly, is he eccentric? Say he is at least twice, but what earns him the adjective? Unless I'm just being dense again, further examples of this eccentricity could help, too.

And the extremely dramatic death, I'm not sure if leaving it at that is good or bad. On one hand, it's a glorious cliché in of itself, but on the other, you might be able to really play it out.

Also, nice ship names. Made me smile.

Perhaps it could use more rum jokes, too. Just a thought. Because rum jokes are fun.

Concept: 8 As I already pretty much said, lovely concept, and worked with well. Yeah.

Any relation to Henry Morgan, though? I think I recall something about... and Jamaica... er... nevermind.

Prose and formatting: 6 While I don't think I noticed anything entirely wrong with the formatting, grammar, words, etc, some things did stand out that it would do to consider. A lot of them just look odd, somehow.

Various things reading through again:

  • I believe I've been at you on this before - don't start nearly every sentence with a noun! Mind, it's not really a problem in most of this (either not the case or just not apparent), but it gets a little annoying to read in a couple of places, the last section especially.
  • Why is his ship blessed? Or is this just a ship thing? *shifty eyes* Although the name sort of fits, anyhow.
  • Lightning, not lightening, if you mean the electric stuff in the sky. Lightening means getting lighter.
  • Sea hobo, I like that.
  • Why Aguadilla? It have extra alcohol/crack or something?
  • 'how awesome he became' - interesting word choice, awesome. It's fine, just seems unusual for something regarding something pre-dating the use of the word.
  • Morgan later cites a fair amount. Begs the question, did some journalist break into his distillery and interview him, or something? At any rate, it just stands out because he 'later cites' things twice in fairly rapid succession. May want to change the wording on one of these.
  • 'crack whore mom' - funny because it's literally true. Nice.
  • If you have multiple short sentences in rapid procession, you really may as well append a couple together.
  • Why, exactly, was Morgan not killed when the ship was boarded? Mighty fine piece of luck, if that was it, but it must have been something. Maybe smelt the booze on him? Okay, that'd be a stretch, but something...
  • What what would be the most important thing to pirates, eh? Come on, something funny...
  • So, the being given his own distillery, that was only unusual for on Vargas' ship? Wording makes it seem like it'd be normal on a more loosely run one.
  • You sure use a lot of linking verbs. Tsk. Things like 'endless quantities of rum they were provided by Morgan' especially, why not just say 'endless quantities of rum Morgan provided them'? Or that he provided them, if you want to be picky.
  • 'Morgan distinguished himself ... by being incredibly civilized, cultured, and intelligent. This mostly stemmed from his love of chess and fine alcohol. For example, he often would entertain prisoners...' - The for example... contradicts the sentence before it andd clearly applies to the sentence before the sentence before it, but its positioning would indicate it to be an example of the sentence before it. If that makes any sense.
  • Retirement and Rum Distilling - I'm almost thinking the section title should be moved up a paragraph, as that is essentially about the retirement. On the other hand, it being the way it is improves the transition, so... eh.
  • 'Yes, as a matter of fact you can die from happiness.' - that sentence is out of tone/place... pulling it out as a footnote or making the tone match the rest would be advisable.
  • 'The rest, is history.' - really shouldn't have that comma.
  • And what of the VP of operations when it was sold? Or did he sell it? Or was he dead by now?
  • Translations - why only the lovely cow? Why not the blond beard, too? You could make it a joke that he does not actually have a beard, but a translation would help for the less multilingual around.
  • Mmmm, rum.

Other than that, the formatting, at least, is nigh impeccable, far as I can tell. Sections go logically, images go with them and are beautifully arranged, content stays under the relevant headers, introduction introduces and conclusion concludes... all in all, it is pretty.

And pretty is good.

Images: 7 Decent images, well-placed, chosen and captioned for the most part... although two are a lot more conversational than the others, or than the article as a whole. While by itself the Vargas one works fine, the second person, ellipses and explicit threat don't really fit. It'd probably work better if the same idea could be relayed in a tone more like the rest of the article. And the one of the... er, sunk ship is lovely, especially how it's not there, except for the last sentence. It seems more like a tacked on comment than part of the caption. While it proves a good point, posing it as a question just doesn't fit. That also happens to be the only ? in the entire thing, mind.

For that matter, the last one is a little odd - 'deep amber flavor'? Do you mean colour, or is this some liquor-related thing I'm just missing?

And why would someone named for his beard have almost no beard in his picture? That's a little odd.

Miscellaneous: 8 Overall lovely article. Thus, have the highest score I ever give anything for a miscellaneous.
Final Score: 36 Main thing that needs improving is the syntax/diction. It's a fine work, but as you probably already know, it needs polishing. Hopefully this shall have pointed out stuffs to work on and will help. At any rate... did I finish all these little sections?

Eh, looks like.


Reviewer: ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20100912 - 02:35 (UTC)
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