Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Call from Grandma
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Albino Zombie 03:43, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||6||Hi Albino Zombie, not seen you around before, hope you're enjoying it so far.
This is a pretty good start, I'd say. It needs a little work to really get it to click, but the idea is good, and you're on the right lines. I chuckled a couple of times, mostly at the "you said 4 times" bits, and at the Mayonnaise bit.
What I think you need to do is address 2 key issues:
So what I'd say you need to do is spice it up a bit, and space it out a bit. Use some kind of device to show the gaps in conversation when she's listening, such as ... or maybe line breaks or something - this should help break up the wall-of-textiness.
Next, don't just kick straight in - have a proper preamble, phone calls with grandparents normally start with at least some exchanges of pleasantries, which you could have fun with, and normally at least one instance when they don't recognise your voice and don't know who they're speaking to, even though they called you. So use that to give us more of a gentle and amusing lead in, which will help to get readers interested.
Now that they're in, keep them there. The device of mis-hearing is a good one, but you don't make great use of it here - have her mis-hear some funnier lines, possibly rude or completely random and nothing like what was actually said. I know my gran is capable of hearing me say anything at times, and I have no idea how she can get it so wrong. So use that to your comedic advantage. A little ludicrousness can go a long way here, and you have a good excuse for it. The slight mis-hearing you have here isn't really doing that much, comically speaking. "Pay Scooby? As in the cartoon mutt? What is that supposed to... oh, right..." etc.
Other things to make use of - you have her go off on a stereotypical old person ramble, but not until late on - have her try to do this earlier, but maybe get dragged back on-topic - you can easily imply the patience of the grandkid is being sorely tried while she is blissfully unaware, and again have fun with that. Plus, you mention Grandpa - you could have her get distracted by him and again get confused as to why she's holding the phone and who she's talking to.
And finally, I think you might need a bigger ending. My suggestion would be to have the grandchild get totally frustrated and mutter something bad just as she has one of those unfortunate moments of perfect hearing they are prone to at just the wrong times. "What's that? You want me to shove it up my where? No, I did not mis-hear you, young man, I will be having a very stern word with your mother about this, you mark my words!" - that kind of deal, but funnier. But that's just a suggestion - you do need a punchier ending though, I think.
|Concept:||7||Love it, plenty to play with, good, broad comedic potential, something almost everyone can relate to - just make the most of it, turn the absurdity up a little and really have fun!|
|Prose and formatting:||7||As mentioned, it's a little too much like a few blocks of text right now. As well as the other things I mentioned above, I'd suggest using italics and bold text a little to break it up more - Grandparents can suddenly up the volume an inappropriate times, for instance. And it can bring emphasis to moments, such as when she finally figures out what you mean!
Oh, and it needs a few more links as well - you should be able to have some fun creatively linking some of her misunderstandings to appropriate articles, but do add more links where possible.
|Images:||7||Solid rather than spectacular - there are the right number, and they're kind of appropriate, but not brilliant. There's a school of thought that all images should be right aligned, although I play truant from that school, I think it looks fine as you've done it. But I think you need a more up-to-date TV image, preferably one with as many buttons and lights as possible, to make it look like something that might confuse the hell out of her. Plus, they look a little small - I think you can afford to have them a little bigger.|
|Final Score:||33.8||That looks like a fairly accurate score to me - it's a good idea made into a not bad article right now. What I'd like to see is you take this to the next level, amplify the misunderstanding, add some variety to the look and feel, make it look a little more inviting, and take it from a not bad article to a really good one - the potential is definitely there, so please do run with it!
Hope you find this helpful, any questions, pop over to my talk page. And as ever, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 10:34, Jun 30|