Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Caboose (Red vs. Blue) (2nd Review)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

edit Caboose (Red vs. Blue)

An old article I made during my noob days that I would like to expand, but would like some advice on what I should work on. This article has been probaly been edited by Ip users and such, but I don't really see any significant changes to it. Indepth Please. Thanks! Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:10, February 10, 2011 (UTC)

Eh, reckon I'll review this one, then. Been here long enough, right? 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 17:27, 23 February 2011
Concept: 3 I realise this may come as a complete and utter shock, but there are two major issues with this - the fact that it's short and doesn't have much development, or any explanation of what this is so that others get what's going on (as in, non-gamers and the like), and the fact that there really isn't much of a unifying concept in general, for that matter. Except that's not exactly two issues. But, er...

Sorry... all sarcasm and whatnot aside, though, I had to follow the wikipedia link to see what this was, and from there only got more confused. The notion of 'machinima' was completely new to me; chances are I won't be the only one around here, though that won't necessarily be a problem. Folks don't need to know what's going on at all so long as it's funny in some way, but even after reading up some background, I still don't see what you're trying to do here, and that you do need to make more apparent. He's a star in a show, he's strange, not terribly bright, he has some back story... he likes kittens. But what's so important about him, why do we care, etc etc? What's the funny? Is it his strangeness, his penchant for dressing like a girl, or perhaps the idiocy? Problem is, if it is the idiocy, as it seems to be since that is the most emphasised throughout, that's really not the best thing to use. Not only is it done to death around these parts, it was apparently literally done to death on the show itself, as he really is an idiot, off which the creators tended to play (or so wikipedia indicates), so you really can't go that far with that. Perhaps add another dimension to it - he's just playing the fool, perhaps, part of some... other scheme? That was hinted at in the show, apparently, so perhaps really play that out as some grand delusion? Or it could even be real somehow... who knows. Or you may want to move away from the stupidity - it's definitely there, but focus on something else? Apparently he had some sort of brain damage at some point. What was he like before that? What sort of twists could you work in for the before and after? This is, after all, about the character in the show, not just how the character is in the show, but perhaps everything about him. More like what you did in that... er, other one... with that guy's complimacated backstory. And that one made more sense, so with this one you'll probably want to look to that as well - make sure the events fit with each other, that it's believable that one thing would lead to another, because a lot of them are kind of huh? as it is. How does painting a toilet pink get him to be a private? Did that impress someone, then? That kind of thing. Mind, those are also good places to make further jokes, potentially. Impressed person... er... got into its position for doing something similar. I dunno, but you can probably think of something better.

Also, more about the dressing like a girl could be... interesting, especially if you could work it in through the entire thing. Else why bring it up, if it doesn't have any impact later? And I'm thinking a Halo guy in a dress over the suit could be rather nice to have as well, but how could you possibly work in something like that?

What about their armours? What purposes do the colours serve? You mention them, so... why not turn it into something funny?

Eh, play with your themes throughout as you expand on whatever you expand on.

Humour: 5 It's funnyish in places, less in others. Once you sort out what you're doing and build off that for most of the funnies, though, it should get a lot funnier in general. Sectionals:

Introduction

The most stupidist person, eh? His words? It does already seem somewhat not smart, but that's not really enough to be largely funny. Start your idea here, though. More so. Or something.
So what makes him a star, eh? That could be interesting.

Early Life

I like this part. It's random, but it's also amusing... 17 sisters and the impact that would have on a young boy... but what was the impact later in life? So much nonsensical potential to apply to the rest of the article, here.
That he accidentally joined the military could be room for something grand, just how did that happen? Also, good tie to the thing itself.
Yay, pink.

Red Vs Blue

So... how'd he manage? Saying don't ask is really a bit of a let-down. Shouldn't you know, article-writer person? Who are you? Or what all don't you know? At any rate, this seems rather disordered. Very confusing especially if one is unfamiliar, but even if one knows it, it still seems to be in no particular order. And what's so funny about this? Most of it seems to be a retelling of events that happened; not enough detail to poke much fun at anything, unfortunately.
His decrease in intellegence just seems strange - if he was already dimwitted, he became more so? So much more that he became badass, is that the idea? If so, that could be something to mention. Did it confuse the medics? Did doctors draw to him in awe as an amazing case study?
Stuff.

hi peeple

Well, this is... interesting. What exactly is the frame for this? Why is he writing something in an article on himself, or was that excerpted from somewhere else? Why is it included? Just be sure there is a reason for it being there... otherwise, well, if there is no reason...
Anyhow, even that aside, this part bugged me. Sure, the bad grammar and spelling are to be excused in the fellow's own writing, right? So why, in the translation, is the bad grammar still present? All that has been added, really, is some more proper spelling and punctuation... but it's still structurally the same. Although why have it say the same thing, at all, if you're going to have a translation? Why not translate it to something terribly florid or deep or intelligent... kind of like Socky's supposedly translation of Zombiebaron's zombiebaroning in a recent UnSignpost. Say what he's 'really' saying. Could be pretty funny, or set up for some funny, or really cement your overall joke, if played right.
Either way... mmm. Butter.
Prose and formatting: 4 Do I even need to tell you at this point to proofread, or perhaps get someone else to do it? Not that it matters terribly at this stage, as there'll probably be a fair bit of rewriting/additing, but you will probably want to get someone else to go over it once you're done. Mind, I'll say this much now - 'who's' means 'who is'. Possesive term is 'whose'.

Your sectioning is sensible enough, though more... content would not go amiss. More of an introduction to set up what's going on, especially for the more clueless, not that it has to be accurate, or anything. More stuff happening between each idea/stage in his development/life/etc, and a paragraph break between them, like where it goes from talking about sitting at the girls' table to saying he wanted to go to college pretty much all in one breath. Not only would more content set up what's going on better, but the spacing would set up better for jokes, since as it is it pretty much breezes past them without much of a stop.

Also, who is your speaker and what are the parenthesised bits for? Most of them break tone, and I'm not even sure why. Other things, like pointing out that the guy is a ghost, might as well just be in commas.

Images: 3 They're so tiny! That's easy to solve. But they're not even that good... also not too hard to solve; they're of the guy, so relevant even if not funny. Except the captions are terrible, man, like you were just being amused with yourself at the time you were writing this... but you seem to have come a long way since then, fortunately for all of us. Use the captions to make them funny, tie them into the appropriate part of the article, etc. Mock the dramatic posing or something, but you know what to do.

Also, might want to add another, even for the length it is. Pink dress? *kitty eyes* You'll definitely need more once it's longer, though. Also, it'd probably look better if you put the first image at the start, above the wikipedia template. Since its a titular image and whatnot.

Miscellaneous: 5 A pink dress. It should be a pink dres.
Final Score: 20 I have no idea what I'm saying anymore, so I'll just say I hope that helps, try stabbing me if you have any questions or whatnot, good luck, now if you'll excuse me, I need to pass o
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 08:15, 24 February 2011
3
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
I realise this may come as a complete and utter shock, but there are two major issues with this - the fact that it's short and doesn't have much development, or any explanation of what this is so that others get what's going on (as in, non-gamers and the like), and the fact that there really isn't much of a unifying concept in general, for that matter. Except that's not exactly two issues. But, er...

Sorry... all sarcasm and whatnot aside, though, I had to follow the wikipedia link to see what this was, and from there only got more confused. The notion of 'machinima' was completely new to me; chances are I won't be the only one around here, though that won't necessarily be a problem. Folks don't need to know what's going on at all so long as it's funny in some way, but even after reading up some background, I still don't see what you're trying to do here, and that you do need to make more apparent. He's a star in a show, he's strange, not terribly bright, he has some back story... he likes kittens. But what's so important about him, why do we care, etc etc? What's the funny? Is it his strangeness, his penchant for dressing like a girl, or perhaps the idiocy? Problem is, if it is the idiocy, as it seems to be since that is the most emphasised throughout, that's really not the best thing to use. Not only is it done to death around these parts, it was apparently literally done to death on the show itself, as he really is an idiot, off which the creators tended to play (or so wikipedia indicates), so you really can't go that far with that. Perhaps add another dimension to it - he's just playing the fool, perhaps, part of some... other scheme? That was hinted at in the show, apparently, so perhaps really play that out as some grand delusion? Or it could even be real somehow... who knows. Or you may want to move away from the stupidity - it's definitely there, but focus on something else? Apparently he had some sort of brain damage at some point. What was he like before that? What sort of twists could you work in for the before and after? This is, after all, about the character in the show, not just how the character is in the show, but perhaps everything about him. More like what you did in that... er, other one... with that guy's complimacated backstory. And that one made more sense, so with this one you'll probably want to look to that as well - make sure the events fit with each other, that it's believable that one thing would lead to another, because a lot of them are kind of huh? as it is. How does painting a toilet pink get him to be a private? Did that impress someone, then? That kind of thing. Mind, those are also good places to make further jokes, potentially. Impressed person... er... got into its position for doing something similar. I dunno, but you can probably think of something better.

Also, more about the dressing like a girl could be... interesting, especially if you could work it in through the entire thing. Else why bring it up, if it doesn't have any impact later? And I'm thinking a Halo guy in a dress over the suit could be rather nice to have as well, but how could you possibly work in something like that?

What about their armours? What purposes do the colours serve? You mention them, so... why not turn it into something funny?

Eh, play with your themes throughout as you expand on whatever you expand on.

5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
It's funnyish in places, less in others. Once you sort out what you're doing and build off that for most of the funnies, though, it should get a lot funnier in general. Sectionals:

Introduction

The most stupidist person, eh? His words? It does already seem somewhat not smart, but that's not really enough to be largely funny. Start your idea here, though. More so. Or something.
So what makes him a star, eh? That could be interesting.

Early Life

I like this part. It's random, but it's also amusing... 17 sisters and the impact that would have on a young boy... but what was the impact later in life? So much nonsensical potential to apply to the rest of the article, here.
That he accidentally joined the military could be room for something grand, just how did that happen? Also, good tie to the thing itself.
Yay, pink.

Red Vs Blue

So... how'd he manage? Saying don't ask is really a bit of a let-down. Shouldn't you know, article-writer person? Who are you? Or what all don't you know? At any rate, this seems rather disordered. Very confusing especially if one is unfamiliar, but even if one knows it, it still seems to be in no particular order. And what's so funny about this? Most of it seems to be a retelling of events that happened; not enough detail to poke much fun at anything, unfortunately.
His decrease in intellegence just seems strange - if he was already dimwitted, he became more so? So much more that he became badass, is that the idea? If so, that could be something to mention. Did it confuse the medics? Did doctors draw to him in awe as an amazing case study?
Stuff.

hi peeple

Well, this is... interesting. What exactly is the frame for this? Why is he writing something in an article on himself, or was that excerpted from somewhere else? Why is it included? Just be sure there is a reason for it being there... otherwise, well, if there is no reason...
Anyhow, even that aside, this part bugged me. Sure, the bad grammar and spelling are to be excused in the fellow's own writing, right? So why, in the translation, is the bad grammar still present? All that has been added, really, is some more proper spelling and punctuation... but it's still structurally the same. Although why have it say the same thing, at all, if you're going to have a translation? Why not translate it to something terribly florid or deep or intelligent... kind of like Socky's supposedly translation of Zombiebaron's zombiebaroning in a recent UnSignpost. Say what he's 'really' saying. Could be pretty funny, or set up for some funny, or really cement your overall joke, if played right.
Either way... mmm. Butter.
4
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Do I even need to tell you at this point to proofread, or perhaps get someone else to do it? Not that it matters terribly at this stage, as there'll probably be a fair bit of rewriting/additing, but you will probably want to get someone else to go over it once you're done. Mind, I'll say this much now - 'who's' means 'who is'. Possesive term is 'whose'.

Your sectioning is sensible enough, though more... content would not go amiss. More of an introduction to set up what's going on, especially for the more clueless, not that it has to be accurate, or anything. More stuff happening between each idea/stage in his development/life/etc, and a paragraph break between them, like where it goes from talking about sitting at the girls' table to saying he wanted to go to college pretty much all in one breath. Not only would more content set up what's going on better, but the spacing would set up better for jokes, since as it is it pretty much breezes past them without much of a stop.

Also, who is your speaker and what are the parenthesised bits for? Most of them break tone, and I'm not even sure why. Other things, like pointing out that the guy is a ghost, might as well just be in commas.

3
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
They're so tiny! That's easy to solve. But they're not even that good... also not too hard to solve; they're of the guy, so relevant even if not funny. Except the captions are terrible, man, like you were just being amused with yourself at the time you were writing this... but you seem to have come a long way since then, fortunately for all of us. Use the captions to make them funny, tie them into the appropriate part of the article, etc. Mock the dramatic posing or something, but you know what to do.

Also, might want to add another, even for the length it is. Pink dress? *kitty eyes* You'll definitely need more once it's longer, though. Also, it'd probably look better if you put the first image at the start, above the wikipedia template. Since its a titular image and whatnot.

5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
A pink dress. It should be a pink dres.
20
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 08:15, 24 February 2011
I have no idea what I'm saying anymore, so I'll just say I hope that helps, try stabbing me if you have any questions or whatnot, good luck, now if you'll excuse me, I need to pass o
Personal tools
projects