Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bureaucracy

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edit Bureaucracy

I thought that this page I wrote ages ago should get noticed a bit more so I was gonna VFH it if I do say so myself... only someone went and made a rule. Sigh...

Gubby 02:43, 27 February 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 9 VERY strong in this department. Probably one of the funnier first person articles I've read. Much funnier than any of the one's I've tried to do. I'm gonna try to focus on the actual humo(u)r itself here, rather than the concept. Perhaps I would get the humour a little better if I weren't American, but considering I still found the humor to be funny then I think you're good here. Pretty consistent with your references, I definitely liked the Nineteen Eighty-Four reference (since I'm reading that right now) and found it to be very relevant and appropriate. I know I only gave you a 9 and I'm still not giving you much to improve on. I think the reason I'm not giving you my 10 is because, while I found this to be funny, I didn't really laugh. There were grins, some chuckles, and a lot of amused "huh!"s in there, but no real laughs. I guess I could say this best by saying the intro was golden, and the rest was good enough for VFH but not good enough for my 10. Yeah, I'm tough like that. Not really.
Concept: 9 Seems like you can't go anywhere these days without stepping on another first person article. Not to say that it's a bad thing, because quite frankly I like 'em. Besides, they're much better than those crappy one liners people used to put out. Also, for an article on "Bureaucracy" this was pretty original. Way to think outside the box (sorta) and come up with a nice little storyline to keep the reader captivated. Even in short comedy pieces like this, having some sort of flow to the article is important to keep it interesting. You've certainly got that down, nice job.
Prose and formatting: 8 Your prose is fine, I don't have too much to say about that. You're a fine writer, everything here seems in order. Oh, and I think I forgot to mention how much I loved your use of interrobangs. I actually got to learn what those were thanks to your article. The only thing I wanted to address here was your formatting. I think that you would have been wise to use headings instead of those double line breaks that I'm seeing. Those headers could either be mini chapters of the story (==Chapter IV: The Descent==) or other first person interjections, (==Desperate times call for desperate measures!) it's really up to you. Oh, and those were just quick examples. Please come up with something a bit more original if you decide to use this idea.
Images: 7 That first image was great, probably could have been done better, though. Maybe put it on Hello Kitty stationary or something. I dunno, that's just me being picky. Seriously, it's fine. The other image is okay, people that don't have real computer knowledge may not get it, but hey, that's their problem. I like it. Perhaps you could have used one more image that was a bit more relevant to the story. Maybe even just a couple of coins with the caption "THIS IS ALL I WANT!!!" or a picture of an underground cave labeled "Flavoured Carbonated Glucose Solution Supply & Affairs Department, 13th floor" or something. I dunno. =/
Miscellaneous: 8.3 Avg'd.
Final Score: 41.3 So you say you're looking for a feature with this one? I'd have to agree with you that this is an article which should get some more exposure. I'd be more than happy to nominate it as is. (in exchange for a vote on my article, of course.) I'll wait for you to tell me whether or not you plan on making any changes before I nom, kay? Very nice article here. Good luck on VFH!
Reviewer: ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUNWotMRotMAotMVFHSKPEEINGHPBFF (@ 16:15 Feb 27)
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