Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Buffalo, New York
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Brster 13:11, August 4, 2011 (UTC)
- I'll do it, seems only fair since I got rid of your second request for this (Next time, just fix the red link, don't create a second review because the title doesn't work, or maybe something else happened?). What an asshole I can be sometimes. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 10:07, August 5, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||So first thing, quotes. Usually people on this site don't like quotes in articles and I can't say there's much reason for you to keep the ones you have right now. My advice would be to delete them, but I'll leave that up to you.
Your first line is good, I liked it, it opens up the topic and presents some true and funny aspects of Buffalo. However, I did not understand this line, "and giving extreme ass-kickings when outsiders tell the they are "New Yorkers." Might be a good idea to make it a little more clear what you were going for here. One thing I might suggest is to have maybe one of those lines that auto-directs you. You know, the one's that say, "Sorry, this is for Buffalo the city. For Buffalo the animal, blah blah." I think you could use this and put something like, "I'm sorry this page is about Buffalo, New York. If you were looking for an interesting city to read about, you picked the wrong one," or something satirical in that sense. Also, like I suggest in images, make an info-box to the right to give general information of Buffalo. These places are really good to insert a joke about the city here and there. On to the main article.
So first off, I think it would be better to start your history off in an older time, rather than when Buffalo got famous. Maybe talk about a group of Buffalo and indians got together in a sign and friendship and named the land Buffalo Indian City. Then, when the white man came, they took the land and upon reading the deed, removed the name of the hated ethnic group whom they had chased from their native lands. They left Buffalo in the name of course, because who could ever hate those majestic beasts? Thus, Buffalo, New York was born. Then you can talk about how the removal of grazing land by incoming settlers, the conversion of their pastures into farmland, as well unreasonably higher taxes, forced the Buffalo to leave, which caused Buffalo's nobility to decline. It wasn't until the Pan...blah blah and then you can take it from there.
For the Pewter Age stuff, the first sentence, "Buffalo's Pewter Age is widely regarded as the beginning of the world to the moment President William McKinley was assassinated during the Pan American Exposition," is worded strangely and I would suggest that you re-word it so it has a better flow. Come to think of it, the rest of the paragraph is worded weirdly too, "The city was on the up, The Pan American Exposition was in town (the Pan-Am Expo would be all but forgotten to history in favor of the World's Fair, similar to O.J. being known for murdering people and not for playing great football)," the way you had it worded, I thought you were going to continue talking about the Exposition, but you just had that stuff in the paragraph and continued. I would suggest you continue talking about the Pan American Exposition and expand this article (also, don't capitalize letters after commas). Maybe say something like, "The city was on the up, the Pan American Exposition was in town and the people of Buffalo were finally proud to tell people where they were from rather than just saying "I'm from New York. What city? Oh you know Bnijnkmksad Oh hey look, soda!" You should also maybe include something about how, "Aside from being shot and killed, President McKinley enjoyed his time at Buffalo and said he would enjoy returning after he becomes alive again. We assure you, he said this." You should definitely consider expanding this section.
Not sure what to say about that Dioxin section. Confused me, maybe someone else will get it....
So for neighborhoods, I wasn't exactly sure what to see for that entire section about Buffalo. Frankly, it confused the shit out of me and the only joke I could really find was the one about the AA meetings. Fix this up, make it more clear, fix the tenses and I guess...take it from there. For the section about suburbs, maybe have something like "See: New York City" or some joke like that that makes it seem like Buffalo doesn't really have suburbs, or a city for that matter...
In regards to the talking about the teams, the one thing I have to stress is to fix the prose. It looks like it would be funny, but the bad writing skill has made it difficult for me to understand what you are trying to say and also keeps me from being able to suggest anything.
For the snow section...was a little confused, uhhhh, was this a personal thing? Do you really have an issue with people thinking you get a lot of snow? If so, maybe write this section in a more satirical way, because right now it looks more some personal outburst you wanted to get out of your system.
Notable Buffalo people was good.
So that's about it. Look at other city articles and see what other things you could add to your article to expand the humour and make it look more like an article about a city. Also, fix your tenses and grammar because that is a big problem with the humour.
|Concept:||6||Not much uniqueness, but it's still a good concept. Re-write it with better execution and your concept score will go up along with humour. Also, look to the humour section for the main advice of what to do with this article.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||You seem to be having some trouble with past, present and future tense use in this article. For me, that's a big problem and is one of the main problems in this article, as it is confusing sometimes to read what you are trying to say. For example, this entire section, "Contrary to popular belief nobody actually lives inside the city limits of Buffalo except the mayor and policemen, anyone else only works downtown, works downtown and drink, watch a sporting event, watch a sporting event and drink, watch a free concert, watch a free concert and drink, drive, drink and drive, perform construction, perform construction and drink, go to the bar, go to the bar and drink, go to the library, go to the library and drink, go to court for said drinking and driving, and pick up friends from the holding center after being arrested for public drunkenness at a Buffalo Sabres game. A few individuals are also rumored to attend AA meetings but any witnesses to this are too drunk to realize what was going on so this has yet to be proven." Bad use of tenses, don't use commas when necessary...you really need to just re-read this article and fix these issues as they are a big problem right now.
Also, your format is a little clunky. This is partly because you have so many section that aren't really that long. To fix this issue, either expand your shorter sections, or combine sections. Whichever path you take is up to you.
Also, aside from tenses, make sure your spelling is correct and you have correct grammar in your sentences, as I do believe I noticed some discrepancies with those items that I have just listed.
Also, format wise, look to other articles about cities and study it a bit, like how there is usually a picture of the city to the right in those info boxes that provide population and general information. Make sure to format it like an actual article about a city and not some personal article you felt like writing.
Also, I've said also four times in a row for the beginning of the sentences. Also, isn't that strange?
|Images:||0||No pictures amigo, so a 0. And now, for the suggestions:
1. A picture of Buffalo or something similar to it, preferably within one of those info textboxes.
2. Perhaps a picture of McKinley with a caption like, "President McKinley enjoying his time in Buffalo, not being shot at by a non-Buffalonian (Is Buffalonian the appropriate word?)
3. A picture of one of those sports teams with a caption that I will let you choose.
4. A city covered in snow with a caption like, "For the last time, this is NOT what Buffalo looks like in winter." I'll let you think of some other images.
|Miscellaneous:||6||So right now, this article is not at his full potential, but it is a good start. Continue working on it, fix up the prose and format in a way one would expect to find a city article to look like. It should be a lot better then. Good luck.|
|Final Score:||21||Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is chica chica Oliphaunte! Hey kids, do you like violence? Why don't you leave a message on my talkpage and I'll stick a nail in someone's eyelids. Wanna copy me and do actually like I did? Write some articles and fuck up some people and their wivess'? Chica chica, uhh I forget how the rest goes. Leave comments, questions and such on my talkpage. Chica.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 05:13, August 6, 2011 (UTC)|