Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bubble Wrap (take two)
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So I've had one helpful review, made the changes it suggested, and mainspaced it. I'm looking for one more review before I leave it be - and in an unusual move, I'm going to request DJ Irreverent be the one to provide said review, so anyone else might wanna review something else. Unless you're really busting to give this a review as well, in which case, don't let me stop you! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 14:33, May 11
- Me? Do a review? gah muchly! :D -- 11:05, 12 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||7.8||Intro 7.5 - The intro was rather satisfactory, no real gags except the off side sound effects which were cute - smiles but no chuckles.
Bubble Wrap Today 8.5 - Very nice, I like how the speaker has an un-natural desire for it :D. No really specific gags but the overall tone of it is very funny and reading back over it made me chuckle.
prove once and for all that these fools disregard it at their peril. At their peril, I tell you!!! Ahem.
Remove the Ahem, the pop works well on its own.
History 9 - The first two paragraphs were gold I laughed and smiled a lot, just cut the temptationexcuseme part, it came off as forced to me. Just break it off at something because the pops afterwards make it work.
Maybe some faux quotes by the narrator (?) would work well like "We can not say life had truly begun until the first (insert better description) batch of bubble wrap rolled off the production line." - I don't know.
The last section was alright but the final sentence seemed slightly unnecessary. All over good section though.
Other Uses for Bubble Wrap 7 - It was an intro and a good one, not the best ever but nice. Maybe a tiny bit more talking up of bubble wrap, descriptive words and the like.
Clothing 6 - The problem with this section is it kind of changes to "Why you should wear bubble wrap", mainly due to the rhetorical questions. Some may like it but it felt a bit forced and kind of lacked the tone of the rest of the article. I enjoyed his craziness and strange desire rather than him as a salesman - try to incorporate this into this section. Still had a smile though. Quotes about bubble wrap like out of a love poem would work very well IMO.
Use as decoration 7 - Better than the last section, more chuckles. His un-natural desire shines through. The mental asylum idea is a good one but maybe you could allude to it slightly more subtly, particularly in the last sentence. Nice overall, the desire idea works better here.
Conclusion 9 - His decent into insanity is beautiful and disgusting. Very nice, big laugh.
Overall 7.8 I read it back through and it was awesome. The only part where it dropped off was the clothing section, it really just shifts from there onwards, it just feels a bit too sudden. Very nice overall though.
|Concept:||8||Very nice concept, only changes I'd make is at the very end his desire changes from love of bubble wrap (heh :D) to just plain insanity (a bit meh), this change is good but it is just too sudden a shift (as above). Apart from that it is one of those "ideas really I wish I had". :D|
|Prose and formatting:||8||A few mistakes but nothing major, just read over and it should be fine|
|Images:||8.5||Nice pictures and the captions work well, loved the |
|Final Score:||40.4||Very good, very funny - I would (being a perfectionist) fine tune it before putting it up for VFH, though it would likely pass now and I would vote for it (being over 40), however it could just be that tiny little bit better if you adjusted the clothing section and tweaked it that little bit.|
|Reviewer:||--12:12, 12 May 2008 (UTC)|