Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Brute (Older Version)

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edit Brute

reserved for saberwolf116 Iwillkillyou333 17:26, 4 June 2009 (UTC)

You don't have to reserve it for me, though i'll do my best to make sure I get to it. Saberwolf116 21:03, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 3 I spot two major problems with your article here. First, you deviate from your topic way too much. I think you should get rid of the "Not too be confused with..." section altogether, as it doesn't really deal with the topic at all, and writing about dandilions, seals, and kittens gives the impression you've run out of things to write about. Second, your article is much too short. You don't really give much information about Brutes, other than "they're badass"- since i'm assuming you have a good knowledge of Halo, rewrite this so that it tells more people about Brutes, while making jokes at the same time. That ties into your other problem, which i'll explain below.
Concept: 3 The main problem with your concept is that you assume everyone knows what a Brute is. The thing is, a lot of Uncyclopedia users have never played Halo- I have, so I get this a little, but it's going to leave a lot of users dumbfounded. For your concept, i'd recommend writing this article in a third person, encyclopedic tone. Start off by eliminating all self-references and first person perspectives. Then, get to work on writing an article that's both factual and entertaining at the same time- if you don't know enough to do this, read up on Brutes here. You should split it into four parts- an overview at the beginning, a history, their reaction to humans, and finally their appearance in the Halo games (be careful on this one). You need to write this article so that anyone who knows nothing about Halo will laugh- a great example of this is Why?:Buy shares in BAE Systems- check it out.
Prose and formatting: 4 There are two major problems here. First, you have quite a few spelling errors towards the beginning. I'd recommend copying this onto Microsoft Word and fixing your mistakes- for example, you mispelled "concieved". Second, your images aren't placed very wisely. When you've got an article as short as this one, it's always hard. Your first image overlaps between the introduction and the opening section, so i'd recommend expanding the intro, reducing the size of it, and putting it there. Your second image works a little better, because the last section is longer than the rest of the article, but it's pretty random (see below). Basically, expand each of your sections, and put an image in each of them.
Images: 5 Well, your first image gives us a good idea of what a Brute looks like, so it's OK. Your second image, is, along with the rest of your last section, completely off-topic, so get rid of that along with that section. Basically, the problem with your images is there isn't enough- if you're going to expand, you'll need some more. An idea for a few images would be pictures of Brutes in action- for example, a picture of one fighting Master Chief or the Arbiter. Just an idea, because there are a lot of ways you can go image-wise with this article.
Miscellaneous: 3 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 18 Well, your two main problems are that your concept is much too narrow to make more than a few people laugh, and your writing doesn't really fit the tone of the article you're trying to write. To recap: write an informative, yet satrical, article on Brutes, and make a straightfoward, third-person encyclopedic kind of entry. This will take quite a while, but please don't give up on it- you could make a really funny article if you put some effort into it. If you're having any trouble, take a look at HTBFANJS- very helpful when you're stuck.

Bottom Line: Stick with one style of writing, and make your article appeal to a broader range of people. Good luck! =)

Reviewer: Saberwolf116 22:35, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
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