||The humour is random , without cohesion. This is probably because the concept is not very interesting (Ex-basketball player makes a smash hit candy bar)
|Prose and formatting:
||Try to develop and maintain a consistent 'voice'
||I cannot imagine what images would be helpful, given the concept.
||Drop the lists and the quotes.
||You put a lot of work into this. Try starting with a hilarious concept, and then everything becomes a lot easier.
||Pieface 12:54, 7 December 2007 (UTC)