Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bolivian Navy
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I want to see where I need to improve. I'm not a very good writer.-- 21:10, May 29, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||I really enjoyed this. It does a very good job of capturing the pathetic pointlessness of the navy. I like the joke about pining over photos of the ocean and the stuff about inflatable boats. The bit about protecting Bolivian drug smugglers was probably the best joke of the lot, but I think the bit in brackets afterwards is not needed. You don't need to explain the joke to the reader.
There are a few bits that would work better as references. "the concept of death..." and "by the Chileans" would both be better as refs. They break the flow of the article otherwise. Also, I'd prefer it if "After some boring events involving taxes" was in normal lettering.
I think the history section could do with a few dates. This is more to help the reader follow the plot than to make it funny. As it is, I think it's quite easy for the war, the calm and the next war to meld into one. It would just give a little more structure. I'll add a little punchline there myself too.
|Concept:||10||This article almost writes itself. The Bolivian Navy is ridiculous and you do a good job of showing that.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Mostly, it's very well written, but there are a few mishaps. I fixed one at the start, but you're missing a bit from the Switzerland footnote.
"Switzerland wept the day Bolivia became landlocked, knowing that its reign as a landlocked country was over." Well, Switzerland's still landlocked. "Its reign as the coolest landlocked country was over" might be better.
I think you have a bit of a problem with switching from third person to first person plural.
"even if the Bolivian Government says nicely, or with a thoughtfully worded letter lined with anthrax, our pleas fall on deaf ears." Here, you switch mid-sentence from being an impassive observer to a representative of the Bolivian government. I think the we is ok for footnotes or image captions, but in the main body of the article it's much better to keep to the third person.
There's also one or two over-long sentences. It might just be my personal taste, but where you've put semi-colons, I'd put full stops.
|Images:||10||This is exactly the sort of thing I do with my images. You don't need fancy editing skills. The caption on the naval ensign is as funny as anything you can do with photoshop.|
One more thing. "much better groomed than the previous 13 navies combined." What 13 navies? Either explain that, or change it to something like "the other South American navies combined".
|Final Score:||42.5||I disagree with your claim not to be a good writer.|
|Reviewer:||--20:48, June 11, 2011 (UTC)|