Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bohemian Grove

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edit Bohemian Grove

I actually like Alex Jones, but he is taking a couple of hits in this article. I hope you like it. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 19:35, May 8, 2011 (UTC)

I'm all over this like a cheese-string in a brothel. --Black Flamingo 19:37, June 28, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 8 Hi Matt. So this is a pretty good article, as you probably discerned from its nearly-successful stint on VFH. I think there are one or two parts that still seem a little “first-drafty” however.

One of the funniest parts of the article, in my opinion, is the way you contrast the truth with the conspiracy, but you don't utilise it as well as you could. Sometimes you don't represent both views. The History section, for instance, only really puts forward the conspiracist view. It would be good to have a contrasting sentence with the rational perspective here too, which most of the other sections do.

Then in Operation: Bohemian Grove Infiltration, one of your jokes isn't as successful as it could be because you're talking down to your reader. The line is: ”In fact he didn't need to conceal his massive body; he just walked right through the main entrance! So much for the utter secrecy you could expect from such a demonic bunch with unlimited money and power!” The exclamation marks don't help either. Try something more simple and subtle like "...And despite the unlimited money and power he attributes to the organisation, Jones somehow managed to sneak his massive body through the front door." Not a hilarious example I know, but hopefully it demonstrates my point that drier language is probably a better option here – otherwise it just looks like a blunt attack.

Further to that, at times I think the whole thing gets a bit informal in tone to be particularly funny. The most noticeable example of this is probably the big section on the Cremation of Care, which stops being encyclopaedic and turns into a bit of a rambling diatribe against, well, anyone you can insult really. I would suggest reworking this into a more formal tone, as if it was really an encyclopaedic entry on the cremation of care.

Finally, the water pistol joke is a bit silly; you could probably stand to lose it. It doesn't really make sense.

Concept: 10 No complaints here.
Prose and formatting: 7 Ok, so there are a couple of instances where your prose is weak. It's mostly just issues with the flow; the article has an odd flow which mostly works but at times becomes difficult to follow. Here are all the examples I could find:

Intro

  • "Congregate to discuss" – this is difficult to follow. “Discuss” doesn't really work unless it's followed by something. Discussing what? I'm sure a thesaurus can easily provide an alternative. Or failing that your vocabulary (mine's apparently on the blink).
  • ”...that is flowing upon the human realm, the Portal to the Underworld” – a semicolon might help the flow there rather than a comma as it's a bit clunky now.
  • ”The Thing That Should Not Be and that unspeakable abomination comes in the shape an owl” – You could do with a semicolon there too, after "Be" - that or a hyphen. Otherwise it flows too quickly and you can't really follow it.
  • You should also hyphenate "still beating" and "gouged out".
  • And "revel in" should probably be "gorge upon" or something. It was a little unclear what you meant there.

History

  • ”The club was founded in 1872 by Henry Edwards who was spawned when the Earth cracked open and formed the Moloch representation out of magma” – this is confusing. How was he spawned by this? It sounds like the story of Moloch being spawned. I'm guessing his birth was a sort of symptom of the statue forming, I just don't get how.
  • ”Alex Jones - a keen, level-headed muckraker. A modern-day Upton Sinclair” – I wouldn't end the sentence there, after “muckraker”, I'd go with a semicolon again, or a hyphen; something that doesn't break the flow quite as much as a full stop.

Apart from that it's all good I think.

Images: 7 Images are all good, I think you could stand to get one or two more in there though. It would be nice to see some more pictures of Bohemian Grove, as right now it mostly seems to be pictures of Jones and his conspiracies.
Miscellaneous: 8 Average.
Final Score: 40 So overall it's a good one. A few tweaks and I'd be happy to give this another go on VFH. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 20:38, June 28, 2011 (UTC)
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