Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bob Brown
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- Give me two days, a bottle of scotch, some time to read the wiki article on him, a prostitute, a pancake, a prostitute bearing gifts of pancakes, and I'll tell you what I think.--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 10:40, August 7, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.56||So first off, quotes. I tell this to every user who puts them up there; it's your choice, but they aren't typically useful for humour. You can remember that with the acronym, IYC-BTATUFH. Come on, say it with me! No? Fine then Mr. Lame-pants. Anyways, that quote by Bob Brown I can tell you right now, is useless and I doubt it will make anyone laugh. The other two are..ehhh, but if you do decide to keep them, may I suggest switching names of Tony Abbot with Paul Thomas, Brown's lifetime partner. Feel like a little editing of the quote would make it more funny that way.
So before I go in depth, let me give you my general opinion of the article. I attached one of those "Too Australian for some people" tags to your article, because in my opinion, you need to have some Australian knowledge for this article. Feel free to over-ride my decision, it is your article anyways. Also, it is my opinion that you have placed somewhat of a personal bias (not sure, don't quote me on that), on the article. It seems more formal in regards to the history of Bob Brown and really seems to value inserting the truth and then trying to ride some humour on that. I can't necessarily agree with this approach because frankly, it makes the article look like a blog kind of thing and the jokes aren't really as funny as they could be if you weren't favored to one position of thinking. I would suggest you approaching the article from a more, impartial position rather than already forming an opinion of the man beforehand. Like this line for example, "Aside from being the leader of Australia's largest political joke," seems like a biased statement. Maybe this is just me, it's up to you in the end.
Now then, in-depth. I'm going to analyze the info box for you first. I noticed you kind of contradicted yourself, "Born: 27th December 1944. In the beautiful town of Oberon NSW. Hometown:Someplace nobodys ever heard of." Wasn't Brown's hometown the town of Oberon, or am I wrong? Also, "Predecessor: Some other guy Successor:Someone dumb enough," doesn't seem all that funny. Maybe something like, "Predecessor: Kangaroo Jack, Successor: Mad Max," or something with relevance to stereotype of Australian culture. Just an idea.
Next up, Early Life:
Your first line, "Bob Brown was born on the 27th of December 1944, to a large family with lots of kids, but with tight relationships," isn't funny, even with those links. Not to me at least. The catholic notion is slightly funny, but the buttsex thing is just random and is more disturbing than funny. I would have just said, "Bob Brown was born on the 27th of December 1944 as the first of twins. He showed great political prowess in his young years, winning the role of "supreme cool man" in his elementary school class (or whatever Australia has) and almost succeeded in starting a school revolt over longer recess hours had his graduation to (whatever school comes next in Australia) not stopped his ambitions.
And then your section, "However upon finishing high school he did not immediately become a power hungry politician but rather entered the medical world, attending university looking for a degree in medicine. Upon obtaining his degree he moved away from Oberon, to work as a local medical practitioner in the state of Tasmania starting in 1972. His fate to soon become obsessed with the environment was made apparent in 1976 when he took part in several peaceful protests, associated with the state government wishing to urbanize the local wildlife. Sadly, after he held an honest job for six years he finally started becoming fully obsessed with the environment and politics, leaving the world of honesty behind him forever. "sweep under the carpet, such as: East Timor, Iraq, Climate Change and human rights abuse." You could definitely have inserted some jokes here and there, like this:
"Upon finishing high school, Brown did not immediately become a power hungry politician, but instead decided to pursue studies in medical school. After obtaining his medical degree, Brown moved away from Oberon, to work as a local medical practitioner in the state of Tasmania starting in 1972. Unfortunately for Brown, no one in Tasmania believed in modern medicine and still went to ancient voodoo doctors for treatment with leeches. However, this did not stop Brown from enjoying the nature of Tasmania ." This way, you are not taking any opinion of Brown, although you could probably think of some more jokes or something, for here.
Political Life: So...let's start with the first paragraph, "His political career really began in 1978, when he was appointed director of the Tasmanian Wilderness Society. A rally group that were very upset that their beloved forests would be cut down to make way for progress. Brown was not going to stand for seeing his friends so upset, so he assumed control of the group and made his stand. Unfortunately his protest was a disaster, he along with 1,500 other people were arrested for getting in the way of progress, and he subsequently spent 19 days in Hobart prison. Immediately after his release we won in a landslide as an MP in the Tasmanian senate, further highlighting the weak Australian political system."
Well, ok, this paragraph is reading more like a borderline between you trying to be funny and you trying to inform the public of his activities with facts. That is not acceptable on uncyclopedia, nothing can be fact-based. How about something more along the lines of this, "In 1978, Brown was appointed director of the Tasmanian Wilderness Society, a group that sought to protect Tasmanian's wildlife, as well as assist the Warner Brothers company in finding the Tasmanian devil, who ran away after contract disputes and has been wrecking havoc on vegetation in Tasmania. Shortly after Brown's appointment, the government began to cut down forests in Tasmania, which upset the Tasmanian Wilderness Society greatly as seen by their solemn mood at the annual tea gathering of memebers. Upset at seeing his friends not enjoying their tea as they used too, Brown decided to something. That something, was a protest that stopped the bulldozers and chain-saw wielding workers, who were stunned to find the courageous Brown blocking their way while riding his majestic white steed that he borrowed from New Zealand. The forest cutting job was stopped...until Brown, his horse, and another 1,500 other people were arrested for getting in the way of progress, and he subsequently spent 19 days in Hobart prison. Immediately after his release we won in a landslide as an MP in the Tasmanian senate, further highlighting the attraction of Australian voters too criminals. It's just in their nature, it seems." Arguably, this is random as hell, but I'm not expecting for you to use it, but to just give you an idea of what I am trying to say to you.
Write some more jokes and don't be focused on your point of opinion of Bob Brown. Treat him as you would if you didn't give a shit if he was who he is and are just interested in making fun of the things that can be made fun of in the concept. Don't just make up some random jokes, but look at the things that are true and make fun of them, like the Tasmanian devil thing and his political ambitions in childhood, or maybe some Australian stereotypes?
Some suggestion for sentences that could be made funny:
"When finally he assumed control of the Greens Party, Bob Brown's rise to power was complete!" AFTER: "After assuming control of the Green Party and achieving his dream of absolute power over a slightly incompetent political group, Bob Brown began to assert his power by commending his subordinates to call him "Lord of Trees," demanding tributes from the smaller political groups, and 50% all Bucking Bull restaurants (And then have a footnote here with a caption like "Some restrictions may apply," or some generic thing to 50% deals in restaurants).
"he would reveal to the public that his whole election campaign was set on a foundation of empty promises and lies, unfortunately for Brown, the public found that out anyway, leaving him with no advantage over Rudd." AFTER: "he would reveal to the public that his whole election campaign was set on a foundation of empty promises and lies, as well as the fact that his office employed underpaid, illegal, 8-year-old Malaysian children to process his donations. Unfortunately for Brown, the public soon found out about the promises and lies and Rudd would adopt every single child in a sign of goodwill and then send them back to Malaysia for 'boarding school.' Brown no longer had leverage and was forced to send his own Malaysian workers back as well."
You should also include some jokes perhaps about the twin brother, something like a bad picture of Brown and say, "it's the brother, I'm sure," or something like that.
Also, look into the wikipedia article of him and draw some things out that may be funny, like this, "From 2002 to 2004 when minor parties held the balance of power in the Senate, Brown became a well-recognised politician." You could put a spin on this with something like, "From 2002 to 2004 when minor parties held the balance of power in the Senate, Brown became a well-recognised politician, which also meant his twin brother, who was a well-recognized plumber, was also a well-recognized politician, while Bob was considered a politician as a well as a plumber. The whole thing became so confusing, that the brothers decided one of them had to go. Which one was killed is speculation for the people....blah blah."
Also, look to the advice I give you early about writing it in a more impartial way. These little things should help out your article in the long run.
Also, that video thing....I don't personally like videos in article as I feel thats the writer being lazy and expecting the video to do the work for him.Maybe a Gif of Brown talking to the media with your own captions inserted like, "Fuck the media," or something or such. I just don't like videos in articles, but that's just me. Also, the children aspect...very random and unnecessary. Maybe incorporate it into the Malaysian child adoption idea I had earlier! Just an idea.
|Concept:||6||It's Bob Brown. You couldn't find a more boring name if you tried. The concept of an Australian politician isn't that unique either but hey, it is Australia and I love Australia. Gave you some grace points though cause I heard you guys are still taking the demise of Steve Irwin pretty hard.
Any and all issues are found in the humour section and prose section. Look for them there mate.
|Prose and formatting:||5||I did notice some issues here an there, like the lack of commas in some places, some grammar misuse and some strange sentences, like this one in that last image, "Like with all healthy relationships that met in a bar." It is a complete sentence about a healthy relationship, but what are you trying to say about that? Like with all what?
One red link, but I got it for you. Also, this line seemed strange to me, "John Howard had him labeled as a nuisance right from the word go." Isn't it, "from the get go?" Never heard it the way you have it, but this could just be me. Or this, "attending university looking for a degree in medicine." This is also known as "attending medical school." Simplify my friend, simplify.
Also, check for errors like capitalization, "Tasmanian Wilderness society," for example, should have society capitalized.
Format wise, had some things to say. Such as this, "Bob Brown (full name Robert James Brown)." Why not just have his full name written instead of writing it this way? Seems unnecessary. Also, "(also known as Australians largest barnyard)," seems like it should be a footnote. Just an idea.
|Images:||4||The images are ok, but the captions are what really downed me. I feel like for the first one, you should have a caption like, "Brown giving a speech to a group of supporters about the importance of looking fashionable with chic glasses, as modeled by Brown himself," or something else that's a little more funny. That second image caption is juft not funny. Maybe something more along the lines of, "Brown assuring the public that is ever-growing resemblance to Chancellor Palpatine is not a sign of his desire to rule Australia, as well as the universe," since his dark eyes and wrinkled complexion kind of make him look like Palpatine in the early stages. Check it out, compare images.
For the third image...the caption just didn't make sense to me. Clarify it and then decide if you like it or not. I'll leave that one to you.
An idea for a funny picture will be one of the wikipedia article on him, where he is presenting some green movement thing, is has the caption, "Bob Brown lays out the Green's climate change policies in the lead-up to the 2007 federal election." You'll see it. Anyways, you could probably use that with a caption like, "Brown arguing against his political rival, the invisible man," or something like that, since there are two podiums, with Brown behind one and the other empty. Look at the image you'll understand.
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||You've definitely have got an article with potential here. My main suggestion is the follow the...um...suggestions...yea, in the humour section. Also, read the actualy wikipedia article on him and see if you can't |
|Final Score:||27.06||So yea, here's your review. Hope you enjoyed it and had a good time with it la la la. Any questions or comments can be left on my talkpage or in IRC chat; sorry, no direct hotline anymore. The Indian who worked the phones left and became a foreign minister or something, I dunno. So anyways yea, that's about it, let me know if you need something, or if you're looking for a job. $1.30 an hour for working phone lines and two lunch breaks every other ♪weeeeeek♫. Tempting, I know, holla' if you're interested.
P.S. Where are my pancakes bitch?
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 21:45, August 9, 2011 (UTC)|