Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bob (2)

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edit Bob

I was asked to review this, so here I am!--Some_idiot.png 09:09, September 4, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 4 This has some good humor in it. There are definitely moments where I chuckled,as there are some interesting sub-concepts in here, and some very witty little passages. However, there is definitely room for improvement. The biggest is to do with your uncertain concept, so it will go below in the concept section. Here I will go through your article section by section and detail some improvements. Each title gets a dot point, and as many comments as I can fit in. Here we go...
  • Introduction: A little confusing. I don't think it is written too fast or anything, it's just that the content is a bit strange and hard to understand. You may to divide it into more sentences, and use a little simpler wording. Remember, always re-read and read out loud your article after you've written it, to see how it flows.
  • Origin of Bob: I stand with what is said in my last review of this. This is short an doesn't have a very strong relation to Bob. I get a feeling that Moses then added Bob as an earlier character or something, but it's not quite clear. I really think you should expand on this, and link it to Bob.
  • Creation of the Life EULA: I like this. However, I'd like to see what the lawyer's complaint was.
    • The EULA: The same as the introduction - a little confusing. I know you want to keep some very formal and realistic wording, but you should simplify it a bit so the reader can the full extent of the humor here. I like this little concept, but feel you can do more. "God will not take any blame for your family dying, evil terrorists destroying cities, or your cake from last night going mouldy. God knows he is an arsehole for creating these things, but he doesn't care. Why should he care for your puny life?" I'd love you to use this concept a bit better and juice out some very good humor.
    • Robert's GLL: Doesn't fit in. Could you merge this with your pervious section?
    • Lawyer's Opinions: Not very funny, and a bit weird. You could just cut this out, or change the basic context.
Concept: 4 I'm starting to get a better idea of who this guy is. I think he is someone who, um... oh, stuff it. I still don't know. But you're current sections have begun the moulding of this character - the invisible Bob is beginning to form into a faint outline. The biggest problem is you've really got to decide who this guy is AND TELL US who he is. Because if the reader has no idea of the concept, the good humor you have here will be ruined - that's why the score in the humor section is as it is. Think about it this way - you've found a great punch line that will send everyone rolling in laughter, but you have no joke to set it up. Try it - just telling the punch line of a joke doesn't work. That's why you have to give your reader a good idea of what your concept is.

Then you have to build on your concept. Let's just say for a moment that Bob was an afterthought character secretly created by God just before Adam and Eve, because he was bored. He then served God for many years. Inspired by the acts of Lucifer (the angel who betrayed God), he left and created a new colony underground, not far from Hell. That's almost my idea of Bob - kind of. When you make up something like this, you can really build on all the aspects of his story. Creation, early life, time being a servant of God, rebel actions, current home, appearance, etc... the list goes on. Each of these gives us more paragraphs, more content and more to space to build on humor.

Check out Wikipedia articles for different aspects on people, brainstorm ideas, find a stable concept, and build on everything!

This part needs improvement, but I seriously think that if you help out this part your article will be much, much better, Much.

Prose and formatting: 5 Your style of prose is well written in most places, but the highly formal an sophisticated writing and just serve to confuse the reader, as I've already gone on about.

Your article doesn't look bad, but not greatly appealing either. Here are the main points on the subject of formatting...

  • You may want to make your single picture a bit bigger.
  • Add more pictures, and spread them out in your article.
  • The vertical lines don't look very good in my opinion. Delete them - they don't look good and also leave some annoying gaps.
  • Links are very important in Wiki articles – for many reasons. So it’s kind of bad you only have a few here and there. In other words – add links.
Images: 4 Your image is pretty good, and even though I recommended a picture like this, it’s not the greatest thing ever – but it can stay. So all you need to do is add more pictures. I had some suggestions in my last review of this article that you may want to go over again. However, once you get a clearer concept you will definitely be able to get a better range of images ot use.
Miscellaneous: 5.5 My overall rating of this article.
Final Score: 22.5 This has definitely marginally improved since my last review, as your character here has begun to take it’s form. However, there is still a bit to do to complete this article. In my view, the only thing that is missing is a clear and definite concept. You need to find that concept and drive it hard. Once you have that part of your article slotted in, you can expand, and it will result in a very strong article. I know you can improve this to it’s potential!
Reviewer: --Some_idiot.png 09:09, September 4, 2010 (UTC)
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