Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Blue-ringed octopus (2nd go)

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edit Blue-ringed octopus

  • Ever heard of a Muslim octopus? Terrorism at its finest! This is 2nd Pee on them.

Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 19:01, Mar 27

time to whittle away at the bottom:

update:sorry for the delay, will be finishing tonight, maybe tomorrow. -sf13
Vmiflag ¡Hola! This valiant VMI cadet is here
to guard this article while
it is reviewed by:

-- Sf13 Upsilonsigmasigmacrest

If he hasn't reviewed it
within 24 hours since
23:13 EST 8 April, remove this
tag and shout at him.


Humour: 5 The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to be lazy keep all of my thoughts organized. I'll give you my first impressions after one read through and then go in for a more detailed look.

Initial Impressions

There were a few lines that I really enjoyed, but most of this just induced a wtf? kind of reaction. I'm not so sure your concept is very solid.

More Detail

I think I've brought this up before in other reviews, but I'm not a big fan of the excessive use of bold and italic font. More on that later. As for the introduction, I felt that it was particularly random and didn't really set up the article well, it felt like a jumbled bunch of somewhat related ideas rather than a coherent introduction to an article about a deadly species. I think what you need to do for your introduction is identify what exactly is most important in terms of which concepts you want to apply to the entire article, and just shrink them down for the intro. What I mean is that it seems rather random and strange that this creature is a terrorist, the creature the alien facehuggers were modeled after, a sex fiend, that its blood is poison and that its a Muslim. WAY too much going on here. I'll touch on this more in the concept section. Simplifying this section is probably the most important thing to take away at this point.

I was really unsure what you were trying to accomplish with this section at first. After reading it again I got the joke, that you're supposed to choose your particular deity/religion and apply the creation of the octopus to it (or at least that's how I interpreted it). It's a good joke, but I don't think it requires its own section heading. there are plenty of ways to utilize this joke within your article and without the list, something as simple as, "And depending on whoever your personal savior is, they created the octopus" or something roughly like that.

Yeah, I like the mention of Steve Irwin and crocodile Dundee, but this whole section really made me scratch my head, the searching for a fourth 'joke' really fell flat. creating fabricated subspecies and then briefly describing them is a good idea though, I would go ahead and implement that. More on Irwin and Dundee later under concept.

It doesn't really make much sense in my mind that reaching climax would infuriate this creature, in fact, i think the opposite would make much more sense and be funnier; when its extremely horny it will often assault people and other sea creatures. The feeding bit is fairly short and jumbled. It needs some clarity and some expansion. Describe what it eats, how often, when does it hunt, do they gang up on and rape victims before eating them in a final act of humiliation? all questions that could be answered. at any rate I hope the point comes across that expanding this couldn't hurt. The breeding bit just kinda made me go 'huh?' more than anything. The obligatory gay bashing was fairly lame, and so were the other sexual jokes. Find a way to make this funnier without being 4th graderish. Not sure how best to suggest how to go about this, so I'll just leave it up to your good judgment.

I actually really liked the voodoo doctor and no way to help a victim joke, that was pretty effective. I'm not a fan of the overall comparison to the alien facehugger. Simply saying the creature is extremely venomous is quite enough. The delivery of the treatment section was really lame and contained a bunch of simply dumb randomness {i.e. the ghost bit). I did like the subtle sly bits suggesting treatment is hopeless and you should just frame a lifeguard instead. I also liked the self-reference bit in which the article instructs you to look up this article and read it, don;t know why, but I found that to be fairly funny the way you delivered it.

Final Humor Comments

In terms of pure laughs, this doesn't get many. It's pretty average, but I think there's some promising stuff in here that you should expand upon and abandon the random stuff.

Concept: 6 OK, as it stands, pretty mediocre in terms of creativity: a super seas creature that has poison blood, venom, is a sex addict, a terrorist, a muslim, and possibly the inspiration for the alien facehuggers. Pretty lame to be brutally honest. Here's what I though was really good in terms of laying down a framework for improvement. First and foremost, you need to find some sort of overarching theme or tone for this article. Pick one thing and go with it instead of a bunch of disjointed ideas. I think simply sticking with it being a sexual deviant, which makes it angry and violent all of the time, along with being venomous is the best way to go, drop the other stuff. The point is, choose a singular concept and stick with it.

Secondly and most importantly, this article has no direction or overarching tone. Now, for all of the comments I made about Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee. I think picking one of these guys and making him a major part of the article would be a good idea. Not so much that they narrate the article, but that the article focuses around their interaction with the octopus. Steve Irwin is pretty obvious, so I think crocodile dundee would be funnier. Doing this in conjunction with parodying a wikipedia species page I think would be a really clever approach to this.

Prose and formatting: 4.5 Like I've said, I'm not really a fan of the excessive use of italicized and bold font. I think it really detracts from the tone you could set and it also makes the page look kind of ugly. Like I've mentioned before, occasional use is fine, using it multiple times in the same paragraph in every paragraph just doesn't good. It's effective for UnNews articles, but I feel it really detracts from main articles.

The really small sections which are lists or very few sentences need to be incorporated into other parts of the article of taken out. They feel unnecessary and disrupt the visual layout of the page.

There are also a couple of redlinks that need to be fixed here and there. Grammar is also a problem in places, but spelling as far as I can tell is pretty good.

Images: 8 This was my favorite part of the article by far, mostly for the caption on the first picture. As such I'll go through and analyze each picture and caption for you.
  • Good image, colorful and illustrates what the octopus looks like really well, a fine introduction image. The caption was pretty funny, well the last part was anyway. The stuff preceding the bold could be rewritten.Mention that it is very venomous and then deliver the bold line to "not touch the photo!" very funny line, made me laugh quite a bit actually.
  • Average picture in terms of relating to the text it's next to, but its very visually interesting. I like the repeating gag of not touching the picture.
  • I think mentioning venom/poison a second time detracts from the joke of not touching the picture. I would find soemthing else to comment on before delivering the "don't touch" line.
Miscellaneous: 5 my level of enjoyment from reading the article. Honestly it was very average, it needs a unifying concept and tone and needs to have a majority of the random nonsense removed.
Final Score: 28.5 A good start, potentially a unique idea, but the initial execution is off, this needs some extra time under the hood. Any questions or comments, you know where to find me.
Reviewer: -- Sir SF13 (Talk) Upsilonsigmasigmacrest GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 01:32 EST 10 April, 2010
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