Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Blexicans (quick)

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edit Blexicans

Liebz638 00:30, October 5, 2010 (UTC)

This should be reviewed shortly. In that I'm working on it. Yeah. ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 15:30 (UTC)

Concept: 4 Unfortunately, I don't really see much of an overall concept behind this article - just a muddle of somewhat confusing and disordered ideas. Without a basis, some sort of overall point, a funny angle from which to approach the topic, articles will simply fall flat.

Calling Blexico a country is a start, but that in of itself isn't enough. Taking the stereotypes and applying them to this made-up country and following it through in a tone of utmost seriousness as if it was entirely true and mixing in further ridiculousness, that would be funny. But that's not the only way you could take it, of course - you could just use the country and stick to it and find something amusing about the whole thing, and use that. You could even talk about the blexicans as if they are the displaced people of said country, or who know what else, but whatever you do, make your point clear and stick to it. You can also look at Uncyclopedia's supposed best for examples; they did, after all, manage to get through VFH and get featured.

As it is, however, your article is mostly about the country itself, merely focusing on the people. Subsequently, unless you take it in a different direction, I'd suggest moving the page to Blexico and just leaving Blexicans as a redirect, as that'd make more sense.

Humour: 5 Mmm, overall, the humour is kind of lost on me, since I'm not rightly sure what a Blexican even is without looking it up, which kind of ruins it, let alone what may or may not be funny about them. This may, in fact, have something to do with the complete lack of an introduction - use the first part of the article to introduce, to explain what it is, how it relates, why it is funny, though that last bit is usually more subtle... thus the rest of the article and the rest of the humour should build off that.
  • Origins - You do begin to introduce what they are, but it comes across so disordered and vague that you lose any real chance of making funnies. Spread out your ideas - give each myth its own paragraph and actually play it out, perhaps. And general comment - statistics really tend not to be that interesting. Using them to make jokes can be a tricky proposition, and here they come across as rather needless for the most part. The traits as you describe them are kind of funny, but...
  • National Country - This section and the following, along with the fact that you used an infobox on the country, not the inhabitants, are what give the impression that this is, in fact, about said country. And the things about the country, the symbolism, etc... how did they get to be thusly? Elaborating could well lead to some interesting hijinks.
Although the war bit, eh? This it just confusing... why Israel? And for that matter, the location in general makes no sense, either. Either be more specific so that it comes across as a joke, or be less confusing.
  • Race and Diversity: "Equal Opportunity for All" - Equal opportunity? What does that have to do with anything? Your headers are the titles of the sections; they should fit the sections, or the sections should fit them, whichever.
But here, again with the proportions. These ones in particular come across as simply silly - why a fraction with such large numbers? Usually the point of such things is to simplify numbers. And the percent that you later convert to a fraction, well, that whole sentence is pretty much a repeat of the previous one...
As your other subsections are so short, I'm not sure why you didn't just leave them as paragraphs within the one section...
So why are the Mexicans seeking asylum, and why there? How can you make this funny? What does it relate to?
Africans - so the place is poor, and they're slaves... okay, so why? How does that work? Explanation can be the key to amusement sometimes.
  • Famous Blexicans - But it's just a list... lists, in of themselves, are rarely that funny. If you keep it short and then go more in-depth into a few of those, however, what makes them famous and how being Blexican specifically helped, that would perhaps work better. You could even lose the list entirely and only go into a few examples of really famous ones, for instance, Barak Skywalker or whatnot.
  • Characteristics of a Real Blexican - this section would probably work better closer to, probably before, the sub-section on 100% blexicans, as the ideas are related. At very least, it's not the best ending for the article, as it is saying what they are, something usually covered in the beginnings of things.
The stereotypes you list could come across better, as well. Instead of just listing, say more of why... and as you already play out the notion of jumping elsewhere in this article, you could make it even more of a theme - jumping for everything, perhaps, a national pastime, an explanation for various things, that kind of thing.
Prose and formatting: 3 In general, you'll want to make this more of an encyclopaedic piece. Subsequently, I have copied and pasted the ICU 'encyclopedic' sub here:

Uncyclopedia is a parody of a Wikipedia-style Encyclopedia and should be written accordingly:

  • The first paragraph or two of an article should provide a definition and summary introduction to the topic.
  • The article should be structured in wikipedia-style sections.
  • Tone should be encyclopedic and the point of view objective except when the concept of the article dictates otherwise.
  • The article should use full grammatically correct sentences with any International English spelling.

Well, the relevant parts, anyway. You have most of the wikiformatting itself down, although you really shouldn't be using first level headers (=header=) for your sections; use second level ones instead (==header==), and for your subsections, third (===header===) or even fourth level if you feel like. No reason why you cannot skip levels...

Also, your ideas don't entirely flow from one to the next overly well - each section should lead to the one following it, be it with similar ideas, comparative prose, or some other sort of affective transition. Likewise, the sentences, paragraphs and subsections should also flow logically. If you are talking about myths, go from one to the next. Then, perhaps, compare them to something else and discuss that, that kind of thing.

And in the same vein, for each new idea or topic, start a new paragraph, unless it is a part of the current topic, perhaps supporting your idea. Even then, it may well merit its own paragraph, however, as if you have more than a sentence to say about it, why not?

Lastly, ye olde message to proofread, or send to the proofreading service if need be, but that comes later, after you have sorted out the rest of it.

Images: 4 You only have one image; not really a good place to be - you'll want to add more, probably. Use them to support your points, make additional jokes, and generally make the article more pleasant to look at.

What you have, however... eh, it does fit. Clichéd and arguably stupid, it does support the joke about the incognito ones, and what stupidity it has emphasises the inherent silliness of the section, so... yes. You're on the right track.

Miscellaneous: 4 Gut feeling, general impression, etc.
Final Score: 20 Figure out where you are trying to go with this, unify the concept and thus the article, and then you may well have something. As it stands, I hope this helps, wish you luck, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me. I know this may be a disconcerting review, but if you keep at it, you will be able to take this somewhere. I am certain of it.
Reviewer: ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 17:40 (UTC)
4
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Unfortunately, I don't really see much of an overall concept behind this article - just a muddle of somewhat confusing and disordered ideas. Without a basis, some sort of overall point, a funny angle from which to approach the topic, articles will simply fall flat.

Calling Blexico a country is a start, but that in of itself isn't enough. Taking the stereotypes and applying them to this made-up country and following it through in a tone of utmost seriousness as if it was entirely true and mixing in further ridiculousness, that would be funny. But that's not the only way you could take it, of course - you could just use the country and stick to it and find something amusing about the whole thing, and use that. You could even talk about the blexicans as if they are the displaced people of said country, or who know what else, but whatever you do, make your point clear and stick to it. You can also look at Uncyclopedia's supposed best for examples; they did, after all, manage to get through VFH and get featured.

As it is, however, your article is mostly about the country itself, merely focusing on the people. Subsequently, unless you take it in a different direction, I'd suggest moving the page to Blexico and just leaving Blexicans as a redirect, as that'd make more sense.

5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Mmm, overall, the humour is kind of lost on me, since I'm not rightly sure what a Blexican even is without looking it up, which kind of ruins it, let alone what may or may not be funny about them. This may, in fact, have something to do with the complete lack of an introduction - use the first part of the article to introduce, to explain what it is, how it relates, why it is funny, though that last bit is usually more subtle... thus the rest of the article and the rest of the humour should build off that.
  • Origins - You do begin to introduce what they are, but it comes across so disordered and vague that you lose any real chance of making funnies. Spread out your ideas - give each myth its own paragraph and actually play it out, perhaps. And general comment - statistics really tend not to be that interesting. Using them to make jokes can be a tricky proposition, and here they come across as rather needless for the most part. The traits as you describe them are kind of funny, but...
  • National Country - This section and the following, along with the fact that you used an infobox on the country, not the inhabitants, are what give the impression that this is, in fact, about said country. And the things about the country, the symbolism, etc... how did they get to be thusly? Elaborating could well lead to some interesting hijinks.
Although the war bit, eh? This it just confusing... why Israel? And for that matter, the location in general makes no sense, either. Either be more specific so that it comes across as a joke, or be less confusing.
  • Race and Diversity: "Equal Opportunity for All" - Equal opportunity? What does that have to do with anything? Your headers are the titles of the sections; they should fit the sections, or the sections should fit them, whichever.
But here, again with the proportions. These ones in particular come across as simply silly - why a fraction with such large numbers? Usually the point of such things is to simplify numbers. And the percent that you later convert to a fraction, well, that whole sentence is pretty much a repeat of the previous one...
As your other subsections are so short, I'm not sure why you didn't just leave them as paragraphs within the one section...
So why are the Mexicans seeking asylum, and why there? How can you make this funny? What does it relate to?
Africans - so the place is poor, and they're slaves... okay, so why? How does that work? Explanation can be the key to amusement sometimes.
  • Famous Blexicans - But it's just a list... lists, in of themselves, are rarely that funny. If you keep it short and then go more in-depth into a few of those, however, what makes them famous and how being Blexican specifically helped, that would perhaps work better. You could even lose the list entirely and only go into a few examples of really famous ones, for instance, Barak Skywalker or whatnot.
  • Characteristics of a Real Blexican - this section would probably work better closer to, probably before, the sub-section on 100% blexicans, as the ideas are related. At very least, it's not the best ending for the article, as it is saying what they are, something usually covered in the beginnings of things.
The stereotypes you list could come across better, as well. Instead of just listing, say more of why... and as you already play out the notion of jumping elsewhere in this article, you could make it even more of a theme - jumping for everything, perhaps, a national pastime, an explanation for various things, that kind of thing.
3
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
In general, you'll want to make this more of an encyclopaedic piece. Subsequently, I have copied and pasted the ICU 'encyclopedic' sub here:

Uncyclopedia is a parody of a Wikipedia-style Encyclopedia and should be written accordingly:

  • The first paragraph or two of an article should provide a definition and summary introduction to the topic.
  • The article should be structured in wikipedia-style sections.
  • Tone should be encyclopedic and the point of view objective except when the concept of the article dictates otherwise.
  • The article should use full grammatically correct sentences with any International English spelling.

Well, the relevant parts, anyway. You have most of the wikiformatting itself down, although you really shouldn't be using first level headers (=header=) for your sections; use second level ones instead (==header==), and for your subsections, third (===header===) or even fourth level if you feel like. No reason why you cannot skip levels...

Also, your ideas don't entirely flow from one to the next overly well - each section should lead to the one following it, be it with similar ideas, comparative prose, or some other sort of affective transition. Likewise, the sentences, paragraphs and subsections should also flow logically. If you are talking about myths, go from one to the next. Then, perhaps, compare them to something else and discuss that, that kind of thing.

And in the same vein, for each new idea or topic, start a new paragraph, unless it is a part of the current topic, perhaps supporting your idea. Even then, it may well merit its own paragraph, however, as if you have more than a sentence to say about it, why not?

Lastly, ye olde message to proofread, or send to the proofreading service if need be, but that comes later, after you have sorted out the rest of it.

4
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
You only have one image; not really a good place to be - you'll want to add more, probably. Use them to support your points, make additional jokes, and generally make the article more pleasant to look at.

What you have, however... eh, it does fit. Clichéd and arguably stupid, it does support the joke about the incognito ones, and what stupidity it has emphasises the inherent silliness of the section, so... yes. You're on the right track.

4
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Gut feeling, general impression, etc.
20
Bloink
Final score
~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 17:40 (UTC)
Figure out where you are trying to go with this, unify the concept and thus the article, and then you may well have something. As it stands, I hope this helps, wish you luck, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me. I know this may be a disconcerting review, but if you keep at it, you will be able to take this somewhere. I am certain of it.
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