Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bird is the Word
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Just made this article out of complete boredom, please rate. SirBobo 19:57, April 19, 2011 (UTC)
Alright, it shall be done. Soonish. 16:53, 24 April 2011
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Seriously, though, I don't know what I'd say, anyway, if this is an actual cult... stick to what's real and emphasise the ridiculous aspects? Except that goes for anything, really... even making up a cult, using humorous qualities of cults in general, stereotypes people will recognise, things that are always the same, that will help. In fact, it's pretty much a must, lest the thing fall into randoms - currently, a lot of what you have comes across as more silly than anything else. Yes, folks tend to do stuff taken as silly and whatnot especially when closed off from more familiar society, but if it could just as easily be swapped out for some other random thing, that's usually not a good sign. Keep your story straight and that's less of an issue, and you do a pretty good job of that, but it's still not terribly funny without stuff folks'll know or recognise. And this being what this is, it would rather help if you worked in aspects of the song and the show's gag more into the article throughout, with bits of the history and setup of the cult and whatnot paralleling how those things really are and show up; that could make for an a nice treat for the people who pick it up. Mind, if you actually already did that and I failed to pick it up, I don't even want to know. Leave me my delusions, please.
And you may want to put something about the actual things in the introduction directly, instead of as almost an afterthought at the end. Perhaps the cult was a largely unknown splinter group until it was popularised by the song and the running gag, or perhaps it gained notoriety as a result of the members' less than amicable reaction to said song and show... like an article on Wikipedia, establish the 'notability' from the start, as this gives people something to relate to. Sure, it's policy to do so there, but it's actually good practice in general, even, or perhaps especially, if you are pulling the entire thing out of some bodily orifice. Make it seem as real as you can.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|Sectional impressions, with emphasis on humour (probably)...
I don't understand the quote. Yes, it ties to the whole Family Guy thing... none of which even appears in the article until pretty much the end? It doesn't set tone or establish the main joke or lead into the introduction at all, which is what good quotes do. Really, though, most quotes on articles aren't good; they're generally just a way to get a quick gag into the thing, if even that. If quotes are only to make a quick joke, it usually works better just to work them into the body of the text, something about brevity and loneliness or something, ruining the potential and/or looking bad.
This one, though, you may as well lose.
Oh, how odd... MadMax apparently started tinkering with the article right as I'm doing the review... well, anyhow, if some of this applies to an old version, or something I, uh, blame him. Yeah. Moving on...
Anyhow, you have some overview, which is good, although again, if you establish more about notability, that would probably help. It's not terribly funny, since it's basically just facts, though. Anything you can twist in to unexpecteds, or jokes you can tack on? Say, add to the end of the sentence saying he reincarnated as a bird in Pella Iowa, a sardonic reason - because that's where the people claiming he reincarnated as a bird happened to be drunk at the time, or some such. I mean, that's not very good, but things like that'll help.
Also, if folks join the cult by jumping off a hill, how does the cult actually grow? Or are there no really tall hills in Iowa, anyhow, and thus it would be incredibly hard to get very hurt by it anyway? Might be something to mention, if that is why, or whatever the why is. Seriously, I know nothing of Iowa. Well, almost nothing. There was no Iowa in 1763. The Iowa territory split from the Wisconsin territory in 1838, apparently. Nonsense dates are just that - nonsense. They don't make sense and they really don't add. I'd say no dates are better, but no dates are usually better than even sensible ones, since they're often not actually that important. In this case, though, a sensible one might be important because the date would be important to them, though.
Version of Scripture
How did they get scribblings off this bird? Just what did this bird do? Seriously, how long did it stick around, did it preach, did it poop on someone, did it... etc. And what kind of bird? There are so many birds...
Anyhow, a picture of these scribblings would be nice.
History of the Cult of Bird is the Word
Okay, this section I'd suggest redoing. It comes across as so random. Think, what would actually happen? And then how would the stories blow that out of proportion? Some workers sitting around on break, or at lunch, or hiding from their wives, depending on the time period and setting in general, see a bird, which does some strange things, though still pretty normal... then they tell the story around with their buddies, and their kids, and it spreads and grows more fantastical... meanwhile the kids growing up hearing about this latch onto it and form a cult... it's believable, that way. Not terribly interesting, but if you make it believable, it's a lot easier to read; I already force myself through all manner of nonsensical war stories and random memes on VFD; more is just... ugh.
And why a 'pope', exactly? It's a cult; how big is this thing?
As for the subcult, well... how did the guy being french help it get quelled? Couldn't stand getting droppings on his impeccable attire, or something? You're setting up for a joke, but it doesn't really come, is the thing.
Random comment: feather pillows are becoming a lot less common these days, what with synthetic fibers, and all. But if one's poor, lint'll actually make a good stuffer in general. 'Sa truth. I have a giant satin throw pillow stuffed with 40-year-old dryer lint. I was too lazy to harvest fresh dryer lint when I made it.
The Ten Commandments
Was he drunk when he came up with these? They don't make sense, they're apparently random, and they contradict each other, first about the eating, and the the last two lines, though those are clearly intentional (though not overly clever, considering how overrused that sort of thing is these days...). Anyhow, if he was indeed drunk that would explain a bit, but as it is, nothing is explained. It's just, here have a list of commandments. The thing would be a lot better with explanation as to why and what and what impact they've had, and speculation as to what might have actually influenced them, with folks using the sort of overly serious arguments only fanatics can manage... either expand on each or put an analysis after or something, and perhaps make them a wee bit less random, at that... Lewinski, eh? Premonition? But that could have been anything...
Also, Why would the bird or the pope or whoever really came up with these be addressing the faithful as 'stupid fuck'? That really doesn't make any sense.
Reaction of the Catholic Church
So I suppose I should point out at this point that profanity really isn't that funny unless done in a funny fashion, pretty much like anything else. This might actually work better if the other pope gave a polite, noncommittal response and that was taken as a sign that they should do something completely crazy or something and I really don't know where I was going with that. Play with your reader's expectations, but keep it reasonable. Things people would do.
Shouldn't this be 'controversy' or some such? Anyhow, this would probably work a lot better if first introduced elsewhere, and this builds off that. Anger isn't really the best route; this is, after all, an encyclopaedia entry. Written by someone clearly affiliated, but one can be quietly disapproving...
Eh, these don't really expand on the thing... if you're going to have a see also, that's usually what it's for, stuff more directly relating. Or for making jokes. Doesn't really do that, either... may as well just work any of these links that aren't already into the body of the text, if any.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|I'ma just list and sort of explain everything grammatically questionable or formatically troubling I notice, since I have no idea what your skill level or knowledge is. I mean, if something's just a typo, just fix it, whatever. Not trying to belittle ye.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|You need images. Really. Things to fit the sections, holy bird images in general, that sort of thing; it'll make it look better and more real and with good captions, can be great just in general.|
Anything else... or not...
|Gut feeling, hopefully about the article, but I admit there is a slight chance it is, in fact, more about the noodles I just ate. Oh gods...|
|Final score |
03:16, 25 April 2011
|Right, so know that this is just one person's opinion of your article, but hopefully the perspective and suggestions should be of at least some use, just take it with a grain of salt, so to speak, as others won't necessarily agree. The also won't necessarily disagree; the complaint about unadorned lists is pretty universal, for instance. But yeah, keep working with the article, get some pictures, add more funnies, that kind of thing, and it could be pretty good. Hopefully this review helps, and if you have any questions or complaints or whatnot, my talkpage probably isn't protected from editing.|