Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bespin

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edit Bespin

I am great 23:43, December 7, 2010 (UTC)

Expect a review shortly!    Orian57    Talk   Union pink 18:53 13 December 2010
Ugh, sorry. I've been bussy today and won't get it done tonight, like I thought I would. I'll be able to do it tommorow for sure but if anyone else wants to do this don't le me stop you. Sorry for the delay.    Orian57    Talk   Union pink 21:22 14 December 2010
No problem, Orian. Thanks for being willing to do the review, I look forward to seeing what you think of the article. I am greatSoup? 21:32, December 14, 2010 (UTC)

Eh, looks like Orian got... er... forgotted, so I'll do this. *shifty eyes* 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 20:52, 27 December 2010

Concept: 6 Mmkay, I'm a little fuzzy here - is this about Bespin, the planet, about Cloud City, or about the Star Wars plot? The title says it's about Bespin, as does the introduction, saying a bit about it, how it formed, what economics it is involved in... your intro is bit on the silly side, but it is on-topic. Then the article goes on to talk about Cloud City, says it's the only important thing... which, okay, fine, but then why isn't this the article about Cloud City?

You need to sort out which it is about and talk about that one... or even both. Article on Bespin, talk about Cloud City and really play on the unimportance of the planet that hosts it - keep coming back to it, mocking it, and use that mockery to stay on the topic of the planet while you're not actually talking about it at all? I'm somewhat reminded of Flamingo's Denise Milani's breasts - that article is basically about Denise Milani, but from the standpoint that she is completely unimportant, unlike her breasts, which merit said actual article. Perhaps you could consider how he did that and take a similar approach here. If you take an approach like that, it would probably work better as the Bespin article instead of the Cloud City, as if you can't tie in the actual planet more somehow, I really would advise just swapping the redirect, make this the Cloud City article, since the main body, with the whole gambling dealy doing everything notion, is the primary funny and subject and content. As it is, Bespin itself has little to do with any of it; it's just there and ignored. Not even funnily there.

If you work the gambling thing to be on top some whole unimportant planet thing, though, that could make for a pretty interesting article. The more layers of funny the better, so long as they don't start interfering with each other.

As for the history, not only does this mostly have very little to do with the planet itself, just the city, but it is also pretty much just a mildly twisted plot synopsis of what happened there in the Star Wars stuffs. Too much Star Wars general stuff, not enough Bespin/Cloud City mockery. I mean, yes, it's Star Wars, what else would you do, but in a lot of places I think you just go into too much detail of what actually happened in the Star Wars storyline - who about what happened to the plot characters who just happened to be there at the time; there be articles on those plots already. What about the city? The planet? How did it actually affect things there? The fact that Vader shot the hand of cards out of Lando's hand is a nice touch, speaks well to the whys of things, but on the other hand, innit Vader a jedi-sithy-thing? Since when do they use guns? Or shooty things in general? And just how bad did it get as a result? Ruin the economy, perhaps? How long did it take to recover? How did they recover? And was that really the first time such a thing happened? Or the last? It's also just too central to what happened in them movies. Surely the place has non-plot-related major events. Yes, you'd probably have to make them up to fill in the gaps, but a little made-up crap never killed anyone. Technically, as fiction, all of Star Wars is made up, anyway.

But... then the just sort of ends. Which... okay, fine, but I really feel like there are more things you could talk about in general. General stuff, just how boring is the planet? Any major examples of boringness you could work in? What about the other cities that were mentioned in the introduction and then ignored after that? And if it's like jupiter, how can people live so near it? I mean, so much gravity... mind, poking logical holes in things only sometimes works, but it might be something you could work with. Might. Might not. But there is more - how do folks subsist? How does a gambling-run economy work, as what else would such a place use? The gas that is 'mined', you mention it in the introduction, but nowhere else, what's that even for? It's very short as it is, and as an article about a planet/city-thing, there are quite a lot of options of what to talk about, and a lot that can be made up. So long as it parallels something, speaks to something that might construe it as amusing, though, the 'verse your limit, so long as it... well, you know. Stays on topic and stuff.

Humour: 5 I covered most of the general stuff that I could think of already, so let's put some specifics here. Explain it away as the humour section because I'm probably more focussing on humour now. Maybe.

From the beginning...

  • Eh, the quote is too plot related, not really funny, doesn't actually seem to have that much to do with the planet itself, either. I'm sure you've seen your fair share of quoticides by now, as quotes rarely fit/help the articles. This one really doesn't either.
  • As for the introduction, giant balloon creatures...? Nice and... er, random, that. And they shat farts? Sorry, but that's just too random to really come across as all that funny, especially as the rest of the article takes a completely different, less crude and more focussed, if not necessarily in consistent directions, approach to funnies, and doesn't even mention that again. Introductions should introduce their articles, not only their topic, which this does, but what the article itself actually talks about, and what your main idea is, and what is so funny about all of it should first at least show up in the introduction.
And selling farts on the black market? What possible use could that have? No, really, what? Could be interesting. Why so exhorbant?
  • So what's so bad about the other cities? Do they follow similar practices? Do the cities interract? Do they also play cards?
Eh, but you could just devote an entire section to sabacc. But the Cloud City section kind of is, at that.
You also say 'for some reason' and 'no particular reason' strangely much - not only does it get repetitive, but in practice, few things don't have reasons. They may not be apparant or may have been forgotten, but that's a whole other matter, and often the reasons themselves can be a whole lot funnier than no reason at all - "Why didn't you come get me?" the evil overlord asks his minion. "I made waffles!" is funnier than "No reason," or "I forgot." At least, I think it is. Not saying random like that would work here, but some sort of game-related historical irony or some such could do well... at any rate, mind your repetition. If it is indeed intentional, need to, make it actually seem deliberate, but otherwise... might as well kill it and lay on the funnies.
  • Military - They're weirdos? How, exactly, are they weirdos? Seems an especially odd term to use considering how you describe most of the things, too. How do they manage with only a dozen? Innit gambling a rather, ah, intense at times sport? Why are disputes rare?
The bit about what the cards are just seems blah. Okay, they have cards, and you couldn't be bothered to make up an element for them to be made out of... so what? Emphasise why this is important, actually mock it or mock some sort of other standard with it, or something. As it is, it seems too vague to reference to other silliness, either.
  • History - Too much plot. I mentioned that already, but if you trim this down to the really Bespinny, funny, prodding fun at the whatever your point is being jokes and expand some more Bespinny stuff, making it up or otherwise, it'd help. Though the year 0 elections, after the Death Star's destruction? What about the other 300 years? They not have elections, or something? That's a little odd.
  • the infobox - Aside from the making it look like a real encyclopedia article, I'm not really sure why that's there at all. Just facts, far as I can tell. Boring facts, save for the affiliation. That part's amusing, since it emphasises the whole gambling cards thing, doesn't really help anything, either. Information's in the article itself, or doesn't actually affect anything.
May want to just ditch it, unless you can make funnies with more of it/explain something the article can't.
Prose and formatting: 6 I already complained about the misleading introduction, lack of overall cohesion, and sudden end, so now I'll just point out that you spell and grammaticise fairly decently. And yes, I know that's not a word. I don't care. Once you're more done, though, you'll probably want to give it a read-over. Not just for spelling and grammar, but for flow - does it, reading through, make sense? Does each idea go logically into the next? Does it read well to you?

Do mind your tone, however. At times you alternate between encyclopedic and colloquial ('boy, did that pay off' is an incredibly unencyclopedic thing to say and just clashes with the rest of it, for instance) - neither are inherently bad, nor is combining the two, but in general, whatever you do, be consistent... unless you have a good reason not to, of course, but somehow I don't think that really applies here.

Images: 7 Must you make the pictures so small? Aleister tend to make his way too big, but at least one can see them when they're like that... the default thumb size should be your minimum, not your, ah, default. Make them bigger! Especially since they're actually pretty good. Illustrate the article, fit what is there rather well.

Captions of the first two captioned ones might be better, though. Already made the joke about the election being with cards, so make a joke about the joke, or something? Or on top of it. And everyone driving one of those orange things seems odd to mention, simply because there is so little about the actual people. It's with the military section, innit something about that?

Last one's rather epic, though. Rather epic, indeed. Just smallish.

If and when you expand this more, you'll probably want more images, of course, but it's a good start.

Miscellaneous: 6 In the spirit of gambling, I have pulled a random number out of my... I mean, that number is my overall impression. Definitely just my overall impression.
Final Score: 30 So, yeah. That's what I make of your article at this point, although as it seems to have been your first here, or something, it's actually quite good; you should be able to take it quite far soon as you sort out what you're doing with it and actually do it. Hopefully, this will help, although I make no promises, since it really is just my opinion along with a pile of numbers from a semi-arbitrary scale that winds up different every time I do a review. Er, don't mind the numbers, just read what it says and feel free to ignore as much or little as you want, I suppose. Anyway, you know where to find me if you have questions, and whatnot, and good luck and stuff.
Reviewer: This review brought to you by much procrastination and excessive amounts of tea. In fact, I feel kind of ill... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 02:36, 28 December 2010
6
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Mmkay, I'm a little fuzzy here - is this about Bespin, the planet, about Cloud City, or about the Star Wars plot? The title says it's about Bespin, as does the introduction, saying a bit about it, how it formed, what economics it is involved in... your intro is bit on the silly side, but it is on-topic. Then the article goes on to talk about Cloud City, says it's the only important thing... which, okay, fine, but then why isn't this the article about Cloud City?

You need to sort out which it is about and talk about that one... or even both. Article on Bespin, talk about Cloud City and really play on the unimportance of the planet that hosts it - keep coming back to it, mocking it, and use that mockery to stay on the topic of the planet while you're not actually talking about it at all? I'm somewhat reminded of Flamingo's Denise Milani's breasts - that article is basically about Denise Milani, but from the standpoint that she is completely unimportant, unlike her breasts, which merit said actual article. Perhaps you could consider how he did that and take a similar approach here. If you take an approach like that, it would probably work better as the Bespin article instead of the Cloud City, as if you can't tie in the actual planet more somehow, I really would advise just swapping the redirect, make this the Cloud City article, since the main body, with the whole gambling dealy doing everything notion, is the primary funny and subject and content. As it is, Bespin itself has little to do with any of it; it's just there and ignored. Not even funnily there.

If you work the gambling thing to be on top some whole unimportant planet thing, though, that could make for a pretty interesting article. The more layers of funny the better, so long as they don't start interfering with each other.

As for the history, not only does this mostly have very little to do with the planet itself, just the city, but it is also pretty much just a mildly twisted plot synopsis of what happened there in the Star Wars stuffs. Too much Star Wars general stuff, not enough Bespin/Cloud City mockery. I mean, yes, it's Star Wars, what else would you do, but in a lot of places I think you just go into too much detail of what actually happened in the Star Wars storyline - who about what happened to the plot characters who just happened to be there at the time; there be articles on those plots already. What about the city? The planet? How did it actually affect things there? The fact that Vader shot the hand of cards out of Lando's hand is a nice touch, speaks well to the whys of things, but on the other hand, innit Vader a jedi-sithy-thing? Since when do they use guns? Or shooty things in general? And just how bad did it get as a result? Ruin the economy, perhaps? How long did it take to recover? How did they recover? And was that really the first time such a thing happened? Or the last? It's also just too central to what happened in them movies. Surely the place has non-plot-related major events. Yes, you'd probably have to make them up to fill in the gaps, but a little made-up crap never killed anyone. Technically, as fiction, all of Star Wars is made up, anyway.

But... then the just sort of ends. Which... okay, fine, but I really feel like there are more things you could talk about in general. General stuff, just how boring is the planet? Any major examples of boringness you could work in? What about the other cities that were mentioned in the introduction and then ignored after that? And if it's like jupiter, how can people live so near it? I mean, so much gravity... mind, poking logical holes in things only sometimes works, but it might be something you could work with. Might. Might not. But there is more - how do folks subsist? How does a gambling-run economy work, as what else would such a place use? The gas that is 'mined', you mention it in the introduction, but nowhere else, what's that even for? It's very short as it is, and as an article about a planet/city-thing, there are quite a lot of options of what to talk about, and a lot that can be made up. So long as it parallels something, speaks to something that might construe it as amusing, though, the 'verse your limit, so long as it... well, you know. Stays on topic and stuff.

5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
I covered most of the general stuff that I could think of already, so let's put some specifics here. Explain it away as the humour section because I'm probably more focussing on humour now. Maybe.

From the beginning...

  • Eh, the quote is too plot related, not really funny, doesn't actually seem to have that much to do with the planet itself, either. I'm sure you've seen your fair share of quoticides by now, as quotes rarely fit/help the articles. This one really doesn't either.
  • As for the introduction, giant balloon creatures...? Nice and... er, random, that. And they shat farts? Sorry, but that's just too random to really come across as all that funny, especially as the rest of the article takes a completely different, less crude and more focussed, if not necessarily in consistent directions, approach to funnies, and doesn't even mention that again. Introductions should introduce their articles, not only their topic, which this does, but what the article itself actually talks about, and what your main idea is, and what is so funny about all of it should first at least show up in the introduction.
And selling farts on the black market? What possible use could that have? No, really, what? Could be interesting. Why so exhorbant?
  • So what's so bad about the other cities? Do they follow similar practices? Do the cities interract? Do they also play cards?
Eh, but you could just devote an entire section to sabacc. But the Cloud City section kind of is, at that.
You also say 'for some reason' and 'no particular reason' strangely much - not only does it get repetitive, but in practice, few things don't have reasons. They may not be apparant or may have been forgotten, but that's a whole other matter, and often the reasons themselves can be a whole lot funnier than no reason at all - "Why didn't you come get me?" the evil overlord asks his minion. "I made waffles!" is funnier than "No reason," or "I forgot." At least, I think it is. Not saying random like that would work here, but some sort of game-related historical irony or some such could do well... at any rate, mind your repetition. If it is indeed intentional, need to, make it actually seem deliberate, but otherwise... might as well kill it and lay on the funnies.
  • Military - They're weirdos? How, exactly, are they weirdos? Seems an especially odd term to use considering how you describe most of the things, too. How do they manage with only a dozen? Innit gambling a rather, ah, intense at times sport? Why are disputes rare?
The bit about what the cards are just seems blah. Okay, they have cards, and you couldn't be bothered to make up an element for them to be made out of... so what? Emphasise why this is important, actually mock it or mock some sort of other standard with it, or something. As it is, it seems too vague to reference to other silliness, either.
  • History - Too much plot. I mentioned that already, but if you trim this down to the really Bespinny, funny, prodding fun at the whatever your point is being jokes and expand some more Bespinny stuff, making it up or otherwise, it'd help. Though the year 0 elections, after the Death Star's destruction? What about the other 300 years? They not have elections, or something? That's a little odd.
  • the infobox - Aside from the making it look like a real encyclopedia article, I'm not really sure why that's there at all. Just facts, far as I can tell. Boring facts, save for the affiliation. That part's amusing, since it emphasises the whole gambling cards thing, doesn't really help anything, either. Information's in the article itself, or doesn't actually affect anything.
May want to just ditch it, unless you can make funnies with more of it/explain something the article can't.
6
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
I already complained about the misleading introduction, lack of overall cohesion, and sudden end, so now I'll just point out that you spell and grammaticise fairly decently. And yes, I know that's not a word. I don't care. Once you're more done, though, you'll probably want to give it a read-over. Not just for spelling and grammar, but for flow - does it, reading through, make sense? Does each idea go logically into the next? Does it read well to you?

Do mind your tone, however. At times you alternate between encyclopedic and colloquial ('boy, did that pay off' is an incredibly unencyclopedic thing to say and just clashes with the rest of it, for instance) - neither are inherently bad, nor is combining the two, but in general, whatever you do, be consistent... unless you have a good reason not to, of course, but somehow I don't think that really applies here.

7
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Must you make the pictures so small? Aleister tend to make his way too big, but at least one can see them when they're like that... the default thumb size should be your minimum, not your, ah, default. Make them bigger! Especially since they're actually pretty good. Illustrate the article, fit what is there rather well.

Captions of the first two captioned ones might be better, though. Already made the joke about the election being with cards, so make a joke about the joke, or something? Or on top of it. And everyone driving one of those orange things seems odd to mention, simply because there is so little about the actual people. It's with the military section, innit something about that?

Last one's rather epic, though. Rather epic, indeed. Just smallish.

If and when you expand this more, you'll probably want more images, of course, but it's a good start.

6
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
In the spirit of gambling, I have pulled a random number out of my... I mean, that number is my overall impression. Definitely just my overall impression.
30
Bloink
Final score
This review brought to you by much procrastination and excessive amounts of tea. In fact, I feel kind of ill... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 02:36, 28 December 2010
So, yeah. That's what I make of your article at this point, although as it seems to have been your first here, or something, it's actually quite good; you should be able to take it quite far soon as you sort out what you're doing with it and actually do it. Hopefully, this will help, although I make no promises, since it really is just my opinion along with a pile of numbers from a semi-arbitrary scale that winds up different every time I do a review. Er, don't mind the numbers, just read what it says and feel free to ignore as much or little as you want, I suppose. Anyway, you know where to find me if you have questions, and whatnot, and good luck and stuff.
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