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I am great 23:43, December 7, 2010 (UTC)
- Expect a review shortly! 18:53 13 December 2010
- Ugh, sorry. I've been bussy today and won't get it done tonight, like I thought I would. I'll be able to do it tommorow for sure but if anyone else wants to do this don't le me stop you. Sorry for the delay. 21:22 14 December 2010
Eh, looks like Orian got... er... forgotted, so I'll do this. *shifty eyes* 20:52, 27 December 2010
|Concept:||6||Mmkay, I'm a little fuzzy here - is this about Bespin, the planet, about Cloud City, or about the Star Wars plot? The title says it's about Bespin, as does the introduction, saying a bit about it, how it formed, what economics it is involved in... your intro is bit on the silly side, but it is on-topic. Then the article goes on to talk about Cloud City, says it's the only important thing... which, okay, fine, but then why isn't this the article about Cloud City?
You need to sort out which it is about and talk about that one... or even both. Article on Bespin, talk about Cloud City and really play on the unimportance of the planet that hosts it - keep coming back to it, mocking it, and use that mockery to stay on the topic of the planet while you're not actually talking about it at all? I'm somewhat reminded of Flamingo's Denise Milani's breasts - that article is basically about Denise Milani, but from the standpoint that she is completely unimportant, unlike her breasts, which merit said actual article. Perhaps you could consider how he did that and take a similar approach here. If you take an approach like that, it would probably work better as the Bespin article instead of the Cloud City, as if you can't tie in the actual planet more somehow, I really would advise just swapping the redirect, make this the Cloud City article, since the main body, with the whole gambling dealy doing everything notion, is the primary funny and subject and content. As it is, Bespin itself has little to do with any of it; it's just there and ignored. Not even funnily there.
If you work the gambling thing to be on top some whole unimportant planet thing, though, that could make for a pretty interesting article. The more layers of funny the better, so long as they don't start interfering with each other.
As for the history, not only does this mostly have very little to do with the planet itself, just the city, but it is also pretty much just a mildly twisted plot synopsis of what happened there in the Star Wars stuffs. Too much Star Wars general stuff, not enough Bespin/Cloud City mockery. I mean, yes, it's Star Wars, what else would you do, but in a lot of places I think you just go into too much detail of what actually happened in the Star Wars storyline - who about what happened to the plot characters who just happened to be there at the time; there be articles on those plots already. What about the city? The planet? How did it actually affect things there? The fact that Vader shot the hand of cards out of Lando's hand is a nice touch, speaks well to the whys of things, but on the other hand, innit Vader a jedi-sithy-thing? Since when do they use guns? Or shooty things in general? And just how bad did it get as a result? Ruin the economy, perhaps? How long did it take to recover? How did they recover? And was that really the first time such a thing happened? Or the last? It's also just too central to what happened in them movies. Surely the place has non-plot-related major events. Yes, you'd probably have to make them up to fill in the gaps, but a little made-up crap never killed anyone. Technically, as fiction, all of Star Wars is made up, anyway.
But... then the just sort of ends. Which... okay, fine, but I really feel like there are more things you could talk about in general. General stuff, just how boring is the planet? Any major examples of boringness you could work in? What about the other cities that were mentioned in the introduction and then ignored after that? And if it's like jupiter, how can people live so near it? I mean, so much gravity... mind, poking logical holes in things only sometimes works, but it might be something you could work with. Might. Might not. But there is more - how do folks subsist? How does a gambling-run economy work, as what else would such a place use? The gas that is 'mined', you mention it in the introduction, but nowhere else, what's that even for? It's very short as it is, and as an article about a planet/city-thing, there are quite a lot of options of what to talk about, and a lot that can be made up. So long as it parallels something, speaks to something that might construe it as amusing, though, the 'verse your limit, so long as it... well, you know. Stays on topic and stuff.
|Humour:||5||I covered most of the general stuff that I could think of already, so let's put some specifics here. Explain it away as the humour section because I'm probably more focussing on humour now. Maybe.
From the beginning...
|Prose and formatting:||6||I already complained about the misleading introduction, lack of overall cohesion, and sudden end, so now I'll just point out that you spell and grammaticise fairly decently. And yes, I know that's not a word. I don't care. Once you're more done, though, you'll probably want to give it a read-over. Not just for spelling and grammar, but for flow - does it, reading through, make sense? Does each idea go logically into the next? Does it read well to you?
Do mind your tone, however. At times you alternate between encyclopedic and colloquial ('boy, did that pay off' is an incredibly unencyclopedic thing to say and just clashes with the rest of it, for instance) - neither are inherently bad, nor is combining the two, but in general, whatever you do, be consistent... unless you have a good reason not to, of course, but somehow I don't think that really applies here.
|Images:||7||Must you make the pictures so small? Aleister tend to make his way too big, but at least one can see them when they're like that... the default thumb size should be your minimum, not your, ah, default. Make them bigger! Especially since they're actually pretty good. Illustrate the article, fit what is there rather well.
Captions of the first two captioned ones might be better, though. Already made the joke about the election being with cards, so make a joke about the joke, or something? Or on top of it. And everyone driving one of those orange things seems odd to mention, simply because there is so little about the actual people. It's with the military section, innit something about that?
Last one's rather epic, though. Rather epic, indeed. Just smallish.
If and when you expand this more, you'll probably want more images, of course, but it's a good start.
|Miscellaneous:||6||In the spirit of gambling, I have pulled a random number out of my... I mean, that number is my overall impression. Definitely just my overall impression.|
|Final Score:||30||So, yeah. That's what I make of your article at this point, although as it seems to have been your first here, or something, it's actually quite good; you should be able to take it quite far soon as you sort out what you're doing with it and actually do it. Hopefully, this will help, although I make no promises, since it really is just my opinion along with a pile of numbers from a semi-arbitrary scale that winds up different every time I do a review. Er, don't mind the numbers, just read what it says and feel free to ignore as much or little as you want, I suppose. Anyway, you know where to find me if you have questions, and whatnot, and good luck and stuff.|
|Reviewer:||This review brought to you by much procrastination and excessive amounts of tea. In fact, I feel kind of ill... 02:36, 28 December 2010|