Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Battle of the Alamo (2nd review)
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The previous reviewer, from what I gather from the previous review, wanted me to be unsubtle as possible. Sorry, but no.-- 00:49, June 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Your bluntness impresses me. I shall do this for half price. Well actually, I'll do it for free. I'm not sure how you'd pay me with a half a hooker anyways. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 02:54, June 15, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.5||From reading the last review, I can understand why you would want to overlook it. The suggestions in it would have only made the article worse and maybe even put it for VFD consideration. However, I do agree with one main point the review makes, and that is there is not that much funny material in the article right now. It reads more like a border between a narration of the events and a wikipedia article. Most the jokes you have are so out there, it's more like you slap them into the reader's face so that any humour in it is lost, like here, "The Mexican troops attempted to sneak up on the defenders, but the Texans were awoken by the shouts of "¡Viva Santa Anna!" from the more eager recruits." You kind of flub on the punch line here. Something like, "The Mexican troops attempted to sneak up on the defenders, but the Texans were awoken by some drunk recruits yelling, "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!" although historians claim they actually cried Vive la Santa Anna, as the two phrases sound very similar when Texians yell it." That was a little weak, i know, but I'm just trying to express the point that you should loosen up on the history a bit. Don't get random, but have a little fun with the history by keeping the bginning and end portions of the story true, but the middle part a little more creative.
For example, in this line, "gathered all his men, and drew a line in the sand, asking the men who would be willing to fight and die for Texas to cross the line; only one man refused to cross the line." You could definitely insert a joke in th emiddle, but still keep the overall story true to history like, "He drew a line [insert joke] only one man refused to cross the line [insert joke]." That way, you're still sticking to history, but having a little fun with it in your own terms.
Or like here for example, "Eventually, all the Texans died, but they were able to perform the difficult feat of inflicting over four-hundred casualties on the poorly-equipped, poorly-fed, and forcibly conscripted Mexican army." Maybe add a further joke like, "The hard fight has ensured that Mexicans will forever be afraid of Americans, which is why I constantly threaten to whip my servant Jose, even though he claims he's from El Salvador. Can never be too sure." This may stray a little bit, but you get what I'm saying. Fyi, apparently people in Texas are called Texians, I believe. You could make some joke on that possibly?
|Concept:||8||It's a decent concept, as I say later on, a lot of potential. If you really work on the humour, this could easily be front-page material. Just work a little on turning your statements into a little more humourous, and it should be perfect.|
|Prose and formatting:||9.5||I almost cried when I realized I was finally reviewing an article with fantastic grammar, spelling and overall 3rd grade english skills (This is a bigger compliment than it seems. Most people here don't seem like they passed 1st grade english). Your format is great, and your prose is even better. I think I saw a mis-use in conjunctions, but that is about it. Your article isn't as funny as it could be, but it sure as hell would make a grammar teacher smile.|
|Images:||6||Your images are pretty relevant, but are a good example of when to use some of those fantastic photo-choppers of ours. Right now, the score is a reflection of how your pictures are relevant, but I can't say the captions are too funny as they are now. Perhaps you could re-edit one of the images with the Alamo defense looking as a bunch of donkeys charge them or something stereotypical of Mexicans. Or, have an image with the soldiers watching the mexicans as they hop over a chain-link fence with a caption like, "Goddamit, nothing stops these people from entering our country!" Or something like that. What I'm saying is experiment, you could definitely make the images laugh-out funny.
Aside from that, I would consider just working on the images you already have, because they are pretty good they way they are now. Just some tweaking, and it'll be perfect.
|Miscellaneous:||8||This is more a 'potential' score as it is anything else. By that, I mean that this article has a lot of potential. I've seen your other works and I know you can do a lot more with this article and really knock the humour out of the park. Work on it a bit and maybe even get suggestions from other writers. I've never really read an article that had as much potential as this one, if that means anything to you.
Also, sorry it took me so long, a power outage knocked my computer offline half-way through it and I've had to re-write the review.
|Final Score:||37||jaoinsdoksamf osimfkoam okasmdokfmo mkmaksdoma and that's why I believe we must destroy the smurfs, the communist bastards. Oh, and any comments or questions, just jump over to my talkpage! Gotta go, the little blue bastards have found me!|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 20:37, June 17, 2011 (UTC)|