Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bat Country
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This is based off of the song of the same name, as well as some other songs. The information in the city section was put down by another user. Indepth please! Thanks!
- I have had a look and it's amusing but I feel it would have been better based on what it is orignally from, which is a book or film, which ever you've read/seen. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Since A7x have copied it from this and it's a song, you may be able to put in more content (which it needs) basing it on this, especially with the famous line "we can't stop here, this is bat country". My short review as I'm too hung over to do an indepth one. --—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 11:58, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||While there are some parts that made me chuckle, the overall article seemed a little too random for any of the jokes to really land. Allow me to explain. This article is supposed to be a humorous approach at an encylopedia entry. The whole vibe of the article feels more like a conversation between two friends cracking on the popularity of Avenged Sevenfold. Try to approach the article in more of a "matter of fact way."
For example, the first line of the opening section is spot on. "Bat Country is a country that was created by the song of the same name by musical geniuses Avenged Sevenfold." That sentence really sets the article up as if its factual based. The harder it is for the reader to distinguish between fact and fiction, the funnier it will be. Your first two sections started off well, but then they started to trail off into a bunch of inside jokes and random references. While the references may be funny, they really hurt the flow of the article and make it hard to follow.
My suggestion would be to work on making the article appear factual first then go back through and look for places to fit the funny random stuff in without breaking the flow of the article. An article can be jammed packed full of humor, but if the average reader, (or in the case of Uncyclopedia, barely competant readers) can't follow along, all the humor is lost.
|Concept:||4||Like Projectmayhem666 stated in his hungover review, this concept is amusing but can be taken much farther. Parodying Leaving Las Vegas would be an excellent concept for this article. Researching the movie (or book) may give you a few ideas on how to expand this concept or even some ideas for some added humor.|
|Prose and formatting:||2||As I stated in the Humor section, the article gets a little difficult to follow at times. Running the article through spell check is also something I would highly recommend.
I noticed there are a lot of ideas that if you expanded on, would really make a good article. In this article, you tend to start a gag (ex: Hampussy Gumprumpa) and don't carry them through the article. Making the gags tie in throughout the story is the most challenging part of writing an article. It is also the best way to make people laugh.
Another thing to focus on would be your sentence structure. I know I sound like an English teacher here, but for me, nothing pulls me out of a story faster than bad sentence structure. Here's an example: "You may force us, but we rather cut our own balls off than going back in there." While some view it as minor, sentences like this trigger my agent orange and I'm forced to re-read the same sentence over and over until I fully understand what the writer is saying. By the time I do understand, (I'm a little slow) I've totally forgotten what I read previously. A good rule of thumb is to make sure every sentence moves the story forward. If a sentence is just rehashing something that was said in a previous sentence (unless done intentionally for humor's sake), cut it out.
|Images:||5||The images are placed appropriately and fit the article well. The only reason I gave you a five here is because they aren't funny. If this were Wikipedia, you'd get a 9 in this category. The images themselves don't need changed at all I don't think. Maybe focus on coming up with some humorous captions for them. For example, the final picture of the Rev; if the overall theme of your article is that A7x sucks, A caption like "When asked to give his thoughts on death the Rev stated "It beats drumming for Avenged Sevenfold" (Not very funny I know, but I hope you get the idea).|
|Miscellaneous:||3.5||This article needs some work for sure, but with a little work, I can see it turning out well.|
|Final Score:||17.5||Final Score|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 15:15, May 19, 2010 (UTC)|