Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Barnet fc

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edit Barnet fc

Ramahill 00:06, August 9, 2010 (UTC)

This site is amazing! My discovery of it has helped pass the time being a lazy student with no job on the summer holidays... I created an article about my utterly shite football team, Barnet FC, I'm sure its utter bollocks in comparison to the rest of this stupendous site, but I'd still like feedback anyway! Not capitalising 'FC' is definitely a bad omen..

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

This is mine!!! --Some Idiot Image002 05:35, August 15, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Ok, before I say anything at all, you should definitely fix up the title so the 'fc' is in capitals. If you don't know how to do that, go up to the top of your page and there should be a button saying 'Move'. If you click it, it will then show the title of your article. Simply change the title to your needs.

The humor in this article ranges widely. There are a lot of good, witty stuff in here that I actually got a bit of a chuckle from. Then there is a lot of rather average stuff, and quite a bit of rather random, unfunny blocks of writing. In this section I am just going to go through each section and give you some tips for improvement. Here goes...

  • Overview: Just saying, but you don't need this title. The introduction never has a title. Now, this introduction is rather random. As an introduction, there are few standards it has to meet up to. First of all, it has to be a paragraph long. Ok, so you've got that. Second of all, it has to introduce the subject. You've kind of done that. My recommendation: check out the page about Barnet FC on Wikipedia, and see what kind of things they say there. Remember, an introduction should always give a kind of preview of what you're going to try in say in the article. And third of all, it's got to contain humor, because that is what Uncyclopedia is. The humor concept here is rather average, because it's quite random. I think if you take a look at the Wikipedia page on this subject you will be definitely able to milk out some more humor. Also, throughout your article you say they are not very good. It would be good to mention that here.
  • Brief History: Ok, a timeline. I’ll give you some sub-tips...
    • 1888: Ok, so the club was formed at some point. Pretty obvious. Is there anything else you could say? How was it formed? Try and say something funny here.
    • 1993: Good, but I actually don't know how many teams there are in the league. Can you tell us?
    • 1994: Again, I don't know what young Gillette Soccer Saturday pundits are. Explain.
    • 2010: Give up? Ok. But what is the next sentence about? I can't really understand what you're trying to say here.
  • Underhill: Not very funny. Needs a bit of a rewrite. Once again, look up on Wikipedia a stadium and see the kind of things they would say. Then warp this into an Uncyclopedia article. You’ve got a good concept in this section, though.
  • Barry Fry: Best part so far. I can't think of any major improvements for this part.
  • The Fry Formula: This is pretty cool. I'd love to see the statistics for David Beckham though, and maybe a McDonalds regular eater. This is a good idea and I think you can definitely build on it.
  • Notable Ex-Players: Some of these are good, the rest not so. I'll detail some improvements for the ones who need them (the rest are quite funny):
    • Mark Lawrenson: Err, how does it sound like hair? I don't really understand.
    • Tony Cottee: Not funny. I'm not even sure who this guy is. Go into a bit more detail.
  • Current Players: Rather monotone list. There are a few good ones here but you need to improve on the majority of the players, and give them some funnier descriptions. Sorry I can't help you much here.
  • Famous Fans: This is pretty good. Do you think you should add a few more? Maybe some guy simply called 'Fred'. And they say, although he's not famous, he is compared to all the other fans of Barnet. And why are no people from Barnet fans of the team? You can go into this, as Barnet is such a bad team.
  • Culture and Society: This is ok...

So, most of my comments here can help out your article. If you haven't already, I recommend you read H.T.B.F.A.N.J.S. for some great tips on writing funnily, and check out the featured articles.

Concept: 5 Articles about soccer/football teams can be very good, but I still think you can work on the concept section more. As I have now mentioned twice in the humor section, it's good to go to the Wikipedia page of your subject and look at the kind of things you can say. Another problem about your article that might be fixed by this, is that your article is very listy. Now, lists can be funny, but lists don't look very good and can get boring. This is why it would be good to add some more content.
Prose and formatting: 4 Hm, a bit ugly. Delete unnecessary spaces. Delete your red links (links that lead to pages that don't exist). Try and keep your lists together, preferably at the bottom of your article, so it doesn't break the flow of your article. Just try and make it look nice. Your style of prose is ok, nothing special, but you may need some help with spelling and grammar. I recommend you place the {{Proofread}} tag on your article or paste your article onto a Microsoft Word document and do a spell-check. This section hurts your article and it will put up the quality of your article if you fix it.
Images: 4 More improvements...
  • Image 1: Err... Arsenal? This isn't really funny. If I was going to the crest, I would Photoshop it to make it look funny.
  • Image 2: Yes, good, it fits in.
  • Image 3: Ok, not amazingly funny but not bad.
  • Image 4: Not overly funny, but can stay.

I think you have chosen a rather poor selection of pictures from what you could. Pictures of the team? Barnet itself? The team playing? I'm sure you can get some very good pictures.

Miscellaneous: 4.75 Averaged your scores.
Final Score: 23.75 So, 23.75. 24, if you round it off. A little under half the highest score you can get. Now, a Pee Review score doesn't always reflect the quality of the article, but definite improvements can be made. To reiterate - fix up the things in the separate paragraphs. Get some more pictures. Fix up your formatting. I think that's all. Do this stuff and this will be a pretty decent article, considering it is your first. I hoped I helped and I also hope to see you writing more.
Reviewer: --Some Idiot Image002 08:03, August 15, 2010 (UTC)
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