Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bank Holiday (3rd impression)
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After 2 reviews, it seemed to be no nearer the mark. So, taking on board what they both had to say, I have worked on it, and trimmed away what I think were the weaknesses. --Knucmo2 23:02, 19 July 2008 (UTC)
- I'll review this, whilst waiting, enjoy Noel-- 15:48, 29 July 2008 (UTC)
For a bumming session with Noel Fielding
|Humour:||6.7||Good throughout, the way the whole thing unfold s is decent and there’s not for me a major gripes here. For me the formatting and prose is a key issue. So much so that I would say that the main thing to concentrate on is this.
The first section is well written, however it lacks any oomph, this is likely to be due to the overly in depth take on the topic. Various situations are over zealously written in. Humour tends to need a snappier style to work. I dislike the BDSM references simply excuse there just not to shocking - a little subtlety would work better here. Ugly infobox, unneeded and provides little addition to he article. Red links.
Short sections like this are to something I would advise - the deprecating nature of the joke seems to set a bad trend for the rest, "no spoilers" is not a section to have in my opinion.
I would also suggest here reading it aloud to get an idea of flow here - this article does not flow; the clunky paragraphs make for less entertaining reading. The following sections "Arrivals" unwanted Arrivals, Departure and Production are a bit of an issue. I think here that what they have done is encourage an overly encyclopedic structure to the writing; I would suggest merging sections with snappier prose. This shorter formatting would make a lot more humour as you'll have a more manageable article with which to add more jokes and allow the erudite reference to be more notable, it seems to me to be a bit too messy for the better quality to come forward. I dislike the listy look of the interview with Adumtish - this just doe's come across and it’s the really beginning to a shoddy ending (this of course is a format issue). The Cquotes seem thrown in ant he last bit is awful (memorable quotations). The old maxim of say it, say it more and say it again proves to be the maxim for good writing - I get the impression the end result of the whole article has not been considered enough, this is vital for a good article and this is the reason why I suggest stripping back a great deal.
Overall there is a lot of humour value here as well a possibility (I have to admit there were a few bits that went past me). I think for me that the formatting and prose is a real issue - I'm not sure if you want this on VFH - in which case it is very difficult to gauge.
|Concept:||7.5||Good concept, taking the piss out of an obsolete holiday is an original take, and very refreshing when a vast majority of articles tend to stick to pretty boring areas - kudos form me for that. Throughout you paint a good picture; unfortunately I think the canvas could be shortened.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Clunky paragraphs, the aforementioned tacked on ending. Its not all that balanced throughout, if you use wrote they need to be though out in a more even sort of a way. There are the bit sections such as Spoilers and memorable quotes which do little for your article. Throughout the prose is a little trailing off, I would tighten it up. I understand that this can be a difficult thing to take on board; however it is a key element of good writing. Infobox = ugly and redundant. Red links, not enough blue ones - it’s always good to aim for a bright blue glow from articles with all the links. Good use of Italicized quotations and more of these would help open out the concept further. The tacked on Cquotes are a little dodgy; the whole section thing seems to really break off from the rest partly because of them – a more consistent sense of a review or a retelling is something to perhaps establish further - from the beginning to the end.|
|Images:||7||Alright, badly formatted, all over the place and top heavy. Rule of thumb it to align right and to have them well spaced along like Oscar Wilde or Walpurgis Night. I don't myself like the static one as it just didn't seem all that amusing. I particularly like the "You're antediluvian" and the one at the very top that in the infobox|
|Miscellaneous:||7||Averaged, to be honest the score is not the concern as much as the Prose and formatting, these are really like chains I can see a good article there that been really held back by not enough planning and concise writing that is well formatted|
|Final Score:||34.2||I hope I have been helpful, should there be any issues raised just leave a note on my talk page;)|
|Reviewer:||--21:06, 29 July 2008 (UTC)|