Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bank Holiday
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My main worry with this one is consistency, and confusion over the concept.--Knucmo2 00:42, 18 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||There are some funny bits, and the ongoing gags about Adumtish's marital problems add goodness. Some of the puns -- the "over draft" and "banking on a toilet" are quite dry and understated.|
|Concept:||8||Plays on words are fun.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||There are some problems...see endnotes.|
|Images:||7||Appropriate images, actually rather good ones.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||I like this and hope you keep working on it.|
|Reviewer:||----OEJ 01:31, 18 May 2008 (UTC)|
First, I am not British but I was once caught unawares in Malden by a bank holiday. So the concept is familiar.
There are some minor problems with sentence structure.
- "Eventually, they discover that the bank is haunted by accountants, bank clerks, and other number crunchers who berate the family who being boring and foolish enough to go on vacation to a bank."
--I assume you meant to write "...berate the family for being boring and foolish..." Just a typo, really.
- "Wyndham, then wonders why his dad has changed since he last saw him, and the kid is told to 'Stick to the script!'"
--I would counsel you to cut the comma after "Wyndham"; it unlawfully separates the subject of the sentence, "Wyndham", from its verb, "wonders". (I would also cut the first comma from "The film tells the story of a family, whose patriarch, John, is obsessed with banks", making it "story of a family whose patriarch, John...etc", although that one is not as distressing as the Wyndham one.)
- "...nice to see that you have died your hair ginger ..."
--This needs to be "...you have dyed your hair...". Not a big deal. Well, unless his hair really has died. Or --even worse! -- undead zombie ginger hair!
- "It is cited by others that he simply taped over his own wedding video."
--This is a knotty problem. You shouldn't use cited in this way. You could say "It is claimed by others that he simply...etc" or you could say "Others cite it as evidence that he simply...etc." The word cite is from the same root as citation, you see, and cited is mostly used like you would use the word citationed...if only such a word as citationed existed.
- "Of all the things I would do on my bank holiday, it would be to spend it as far away as possible from a bloody bank."
--I expected the sentence to say "Of all the things I would do on my bank holiday, the absolute last would be to spend it in a bloody bank." The way it is constructed threw me for a loop. I'm not completely sure it makes logical sense. "Of all the possible things I would do, I would go as far from a bank as possible..." It just isn't quite right. I would never spend a bank holiday in a bank. The first thing I would do on a bank holiday is go as far from a bank as possible. I suggest you replace the sentence in question with a clearer variant.
- "Adumtish's wife Jennifer was a temptress, sleeping with several members of the cast, and she had to be deterred from trying to chat up the child actor who plays Wyndham, though it seems to have accelerated the onset of puberty in the child, who was smoking, boozing, chasing ladies, and whinging incessantly about the unfairness of life by the end of filming."
--That sentence needs more than one period! It covers way, way too much ground. I would suggest a period after "several members of the cast." Then make the next bit more specific: "Officer Clamtickle of the London vice squad gave her a caution for chatting up..." (or something) and put a period after "...who plays Wyndham." (If you Brits call it a vice squad...?) That separates out the first two discrete concepts; the rest makes sense as one sentence ("Nevertheless, the sexual attention seems to have accelerated...etc.")
- "Its lack of continuity and general weak concept, made many viewers dissatisfied."
--Cut the comma. It separates the compound subject (continuity and concept) from the verb (made). Not a big deal, just a bit of tidying.
- "Phil Meh, of the New Yorker reported that the 'Adumtish's costume department were as fitted for the job of attiring the actors, as Jeffrey Dahmer would have been if he was in charge of undertaking at a funeral parlour'."
--This strikes me as a good joke that could benefit from better pacing. "The people Adumtish put in charge of costuming suited their jobs like Jeffrey Dahmer would have suited the job of head chef at a funeral parlour." Shorter, more active, and ickier. Head chef -- ew. Remember that Monty Python skit where the undertakers propose eating John Cleese's mum? "Tell you what, you can eat her and then if you feel badly about it later we'll give you a coffin and you can throw up in it." Ew!
The next joke, the line by Cass Tin, is just fine as it is.
Anyway. Good article, could benefit from polishing but the concept and structure are just fine. The puns are good. Keep 'em coming.
----OEJ 02:01, 18 May 2008 (UTC)