Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Banjo

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I actually mainly edited this. I found it gathering dust. I want it reviewed, please.

Per the above. --LongLiverh3 01:09, 10 May 2009 (UTC) LongLiverh3 03:49, 9 May 2009 (UTC)

edit Banjo

--LongLiverh3 03:45, 14 May 2009 (UTC) LongLiverh3 03:49, 9 May 2009 (UTC) Will someone please review? It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.

Humour: 5 Ok, let's get it going here. We'll break it down section by section to see what parts are good and what parts need a bit of improvement here. So let's start off, shall we?
  • Introduction - Let's see here. The quote isn't the best I've seen, but quotes are always easy to improve. Just make it about how the Banjo sounds, or something of the sort. Your first paragraph gives us a good idea of what you will be talking about, describing what exactly the banjo is and what it is like. I give you a thumbs up there, but the second paragraph could perhaps be worked on. Where you give the information giving the whereabouts of the banjo, you could perhaps move that to the "habitat" section. However, you could move the bit about the tuning forks into the first introduction paragraph. Overall, you did a decent job on the intro.
  • Habitat and feeding habits - Ok. This section needs s a little bit of work. Don't worry; it shouldn’t be all that hard! I suggest, since you mention habitat first in the title of the section, you talk about the Banjo's habitat first. Remember to put where they are mostly found in this section. Also, I suggest you a take a sort of "less confined" approach, perhaps by saying the live with owners or out in the wild in caves. But make sure to expand on this part of the section. It was rather short, choppy and abrupt. You have to make it a smooth and funny read. As for feeding habits, you gave one sentence and were done with it. The idea was a bit confusing, so you cold perhaps make that more clear. Also, you could say the attack in packs and also mention what kinds of prey they enjoy hunting.
  • Banjos throughout musical history - Like the Habitat and Feeding Habits section, this section was rather abrupt and unfocused. You went straight to how they were used in orchestras, which is good, but then it all went wild from there. Make sure to focus on actually playing the "instrument". You could also make another section noting how exactly to play the animal. I must say, you could keep the part about bowel releasing in there, I found that it made me smile. Also, I think you should put a list of "famous" people who play the banjo (Just an idea. I don't know if it will fall flat or not :P).
  • Breeds of Banjo - As well as most of the other sections, this part was very short. Your first sentence mentioned some uses of breeds of banjo. What you should do once you mention these things is make breeds that are actually used for this. This means coming up with more breeds. Doing that, especially if done in a funny manner, would definitely increase the articles quality. So let's start with the section about tenor. At the beginning you got straight to the point, and that is not necessarily bad; but sometimes it makes it seem choppy. I enjoyed the part with the peanuts, but I suggest you remove all of the part at the end about rhetorical questions. That sort of killed the breed for me. As for the six string, that was short and abrupt. You could clarify at the beginning of the article that most Banjos have four or five string to have this breed make sense. Also, like I said before. You must expand on this idea. Don’t make each breed a little one-liner, make each section pretty in-depth. This section probably has the most potential of all of the sections.
  • Banjo Control - This section of the article was very unclear. You made it noticeable that red necks seem as though they can tame banjos well, and this is a good idea. You should expand on the idea. But then they were suddenly featured on TV, so then Coca Cola wanted to trap them? That' what I got out of you section. I think you should remove that and put how people who trap them take extreme cautions because they could get their necks' snapped by the banjo's strings. You don't necessarily have to follow through on that idea, but mostly just clarify. That is what the section needs. Also, after removing unnecessary content, expand on the good ideas.

Overall, this article needs some work. But from the looks of it, it shouldn't be all that hard. It'll just take some creative thinking and reorganization.

Concept: 6 This is a good idea for the article. When I first saw this title, I was thinking. "OK, we've got an instrument. We can we do with this?" But then I read the first sentence, and my eyes lit up. The idea of having an animal that - at the same time- is a musical instrument, in my opinion in flipping' brilliant. Like I said before, you really got the idea across in the introduction. You had a good way describing what exactly the banjo was. Still, you could slightly expand that part. Also, the section about feeding habits had a unique idea about how it captured its prey. If you could expand on that concept, it would be excellent. The habitat idea was sort of lame in my opinion, having the idea that it could only stay in a very confined area and could only move in one direction. This confused me given its hunting techniques. If it stays in that small area, how in the world will it ever catch prey? The part with the banjos I history, like a said, did have a god start. However, during the end it faded off the subject. I suggest that you explain how the instrument is played and what it sounds like. Then, if you wish, you could put a section of people who play the banjo. The breeds section definitely has the most potential. You just have to follow through on the ideas you stated, by having breeds that are frying pans, etc. I'm sure you could make that very interesting and funny. That section has the most potential of all the sections. The banjo control section needs to get rid of the nonsense and expand on the redneck idea. So, each section has little ways they could improve their concepts. If you do that, and make it funny, this article is going to be a winner.
Prose and formatting: 7 The article was formatted well. There were very few areas to improve upon, there are some. The first, and probably most important in my opinion, is getting another picture in there. You had a good one at the beginning, and it would be great to have another near the middle/end of the article. Second, Make sure to make each section a bit longer and spaced out; this will make the article look better overall. Also, there were a few spelling errors, but not too many, so you did a good job with those. Also, the section with the breeds, instead of making subsections for each breed, I think you could put an asterisk for each kind and expand after the asterisk. However, you could still keep the subsections; just make sure to go in-depth on each breed if you are going to do that. Other than those points, good job with the formatting!
Images: 7 The image you had was very good. It was clear what it was after you described what exactly a banjo was. However, if you keep the same caption, you should mention in the article that the banjo wears a necktie to attract mates. However, if you do not want to do that, you should remove that from the caption altogether. Also, like I said above, you should manage to get another image in there. You could have a picture of a banjo in an orchestra; I believe that would in fact be very good for your article. And, if you do that, make sure to put funny captions on both images. Once you do that, I will have no complaints with the images in your article.
Miscellaneous: 6.3 See below.
Final Score: 31.3 So let's get to the point here: your article has a good idea but is choppy and unfocused. You have to make sure to get the bad ideas out and the good ideas in. I‘ll give you a list of things to do to make your article downright awesome.
  1. Expand on the good ideas - You have plenty of good idea in you article, all you have to is get rid of the bad ones and then expand on the good ones. Make sure to do this in a humourous fashion, because a lot of your humour fell flat in your article.
  2. Make the ideas fluent - Make sure that the sentences and ideas in you article are not too choppy. You had a slight problem with this before. If you fix it, your article would be much better.
  3. Get another picture - Make it a good one, too, and put it near the bottom of the article. This would make your article more interesting and fun to read.

Once you do those three main things, your article could be truly awesome.

Reviewer: Staircase CUNt 17:05, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
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