Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Baby Boomers - take 2

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edit Baby Boomers

This has already been peed on, and all advice followed. Hopefully it will be acceptable now. Funnybony 21:35, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

I'll try to get round to this one this afternoon. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:37, October 16, 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Right, your jokes are pretty good but you are letting yourself down on the way you are executing them. First off, read through your article again and you will notice that you could insert bullet points between most of the lines and you would have yourself a long long list. While I do appreciate what you are doing, and I have to compliment you for pulling it off excellently, it does become somewhat tiresome as you read through the sections. If we take your first section you have lots of micro-paragraphs which all make a separate point on their own, that of describing another facet of Baby Boomers, what I think you need to do is to try to avoid this, at least in your preamble. If you can link a lot of the prose together and have a joke that runs through them then your humour will be much improved. Therefore what I think is best, certainly for a couple of your sections is a running joke, this is always good in an article like this, and you have a nice foundation for one, which is part of why it was so noticeable when there wasn't one. You have all these references to things that Baby Boomers have done for us, why not just keep reusing one? It would be that simple. For example you could do something like continually repeating that they gave us Uncyclopedia. It wouldn't need to be a big change if you execute it correctly, try to be subtle with it and not make a big deal of it, this makes it all the more amusing when the reader identifies it.

My only other point for you would be to avoid making lists, it is OK to do so on a small scale but your biggest section shouldn't be a list. Try to come up with a couple more jokes to link the paragraphs so it is less like a funny list and more like a funny article.

Concept: 9 Superb work from you here, the concept is pretty good and your tone is near spot on. My only problem is that you sometimes slip from your tone. You have this excellent first person tone going where you get carried away with descriptions and I was really enjoying that; but occasionally a careless error or a moment of incoherence ruins it all. I know it seems unfair that I am penalising you for a couple of small things but that is the unfortunate truth regarding your tone, it can be ruined by a couple of small things, it's like having a couple of tiny flaws in the design of a statue, which ultimately, cause the whole thing to fall down. Otherwise you are fine here.
Prose and formatting: 7 Your prose are reasonable, where they occur. The first thing I noticed was the spelling and grammar difficulties, some of these are just careless misspellings or typos, while others are minor grammatical issues. For someone who is beginning to write at a pretty high standard you need to devote some time to proofreading for these errors. If you don't think that proofreading is enjoyable (understandable) or if you don't think you can do it to an appropriate standard then you can submit your article for checking by the folks at the uncyclopedia proofreading service. Flesh out the prose a bit more, epic listyness = bad, well broken prose = good, but I have now beaten the listyness complaint until there is nothing left so I will leave you to edit that as you like. Your image formatting is pretty good too, the only real way to get out of having to space the pictures. My main problem is that the caption of the Gene Simmons image hits your S.A.T. test, try to space them out, I would recommend just moving the S.A.T. test downwards a bit, there is more room there. Also the Steve Jobs image appears to have been relegated to some sort of neutral zone at the bottom, I would recommend moving it or scrapping it as, in my judgement, it is the weakest one.
Images: 8 Pretty good, my main comments about them can be found at the end of the above section, sort the Steve Jobs image out and a little bit of formatting. I would also encourage you to revisit the captions and ensure they are the best you feel that they could be, as you can't under-estimate their importance to the images they compliment.
Miscellaneous: 8 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 39 The overall score says pretty much what needs to be said. The article is of a relatively high standard already, but is missing out on being something truly special because of a couple of small errors. Just go back and sort those and apply that final bit of polish to the article and you will be done with it. Your writing is intelligent, if a little too fast paced occasionally, and you have a good grasp of the right sort of humour for the article. If you have any questions or comments you can direct them here. Good luck making any edits.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 15:55, October 16, 2009 (UTC)
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