Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Awkward Conversation

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Revision as of 00:55, July 3, 2008 by Orian57 (talk | contribs)

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FAQ

edit Awkward Conversation

Hi. I finished this a while back. I like it, but I want to make sure it feels right. I need to know if its "awkward" enough, how the prose works, and generally, if it is funny. I would appreciate as much feedback as you could give me. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 19:40, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

And I forgot to ask. Is length a problem here? If so, I'm not sure what else I would do with it. Please let me know. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 19:52, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

User:Orian57/peetemplate6

The mighty Orian is reviewing my article. I think I've hit the jackpot. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 04:27, 27 June 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 8 There was definitely some laugh out lines in there and I really enjoyed it!

I loved the bit about the bears and the guy’s parents. And the other bit with the wallet “confusion”.

But there are some issues as I explain below.

Concept: 9 Definitely very good and plenty to do with a concept like this and you executed it nicely and dragged it out well: not too long and not over board.

One thing I would say is you could maybe go a little easier on the “sex offender” side of things I think it might be better if you portray the other guy as someone down on his luck rather than a complete pervert. Take out the sexual harassment line and make him get fired for another (law based) reason (maybe stealing office supplies or something) and with the child molestation thing (it’s too big and too funny to take out completely) just inset a line something like this: “no, no of course you didn’t; boys go fishing with strangers all the time” so it leaves it a little uncertain I think would work nicer.

Prose and formatting: 8 Your prose was good all told: it was nicely narrated and the fact we only got one side of the conversation was brilliantly done and made it fun to read. One thing I’d maybe say is that you should throw in a few more “Umms” and “ers” to make the conversation seem a little more awkward (at times the narrator seemed almost comfortable)

Also maybe a few more links wouldn’t hurt, here for example: " you know how us guys can be. We always lie to make things sound bigger " you have a prime opportunity link “things” to “Penis”.

Oh and you had a nice little touch to the see also section. Kudos.

Images: 7 They were OK. If I was being picky (and I am) I’d say they are possibly a little on the small side. The first one was very good as it implied that this conversation was in a public toilet and they’re awful places to meet, it may be better to use something with older men though as that would fit the characters better. The third picture was good too, you expanded the bear idea (which was by far one of the funniest things I’ve read in a ages) nicely and made better by the caption. The second one, sorry to say, was a little meh. Maybe have the car look more like a wreck or have it crashed into a wall or preparing to drive off a cliff. Something like that.
Miscellaneous: 8 Averaged
Final Score: 40 Yeah this was definitely a good article! I certainly loved it! Sorry it took me a while to get around to it, and then you said “the great Orian”, that made me scared of giving you something substandard so I spent longer on it than I maybe would have, though I am flattered that you’ve heard of me and my mad reviewing skillz. Also thanks for voting for my article, glad you liked it. Also Also Also congratulations on the feature: I’ve not read it yet, but I will.

If there is anything else you’d like to ask/thank/insult me about please visit my talk page.

Reviewer: Have Fun! MuCal. BFF Sir Orian57!Talk!PEE!Read!UnProvise!Awards! 00:55 3 July 2008
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