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I'm working on another ice-based article. It is not quite finished, but i have hit writers block lately, so can somebody tell me what i need to do to make it better.
|Humour:||7||Note 1. “An avalanche is a natural phenomenon which occurs when a lot of snow slides down the slope of a hill, eating everything in its path. If you have even half a brain, you will most likely never encounter one.” Good. short and sweet. Elicited a smile.
Note 2. “Cold. White. Snowy. Big. Any more stupid questions?” Good. Stunted terse movement accentuates the foolishness of the inquiry. Also, the line anticipates the “don’t be stupid” motif of the article. Elicited a laugh.
Note 3. “Size? Big./ Weight? Alot./ Deadly? ...Nooooo....theeeeyy aarren't…” Very good. Very satisfying in the passage’s employing the rule of three and the abruptly long (compared to the previous answers) and explicitly sarcastic last response. The sarcasm was pitch perfect. Elicited a smile and a laugh.
Note 4. “Scientists believe they are caused by an excess amount of snow, enough to the point that a mountain needs to lose it all.” One feels like there is a joke waiting there: perhaps a joke about curve-conscious avalanches. Or shedding a fine winter coat for a more airy spring tee (dirt).
Note 5. “Zoologists believe it's when a mountain sheds its skin.” Clever. What a tickling thought.
Note 6. “Jerry Falwell believed it's caused when God is mad at the Canadians.” I don’t know how to describe my reaction on this one. It was positive: but it may be likened to exasperationdisbeliefandpuzzlement. I think that’s it.
Note 7. “Many believe that it is caused when some dipshit screams really loud on a snowy cliff.” Very good. The line interrupts the meandering pondering movement hitherto. The incendiary “dipshit” accentuates the “yeah, ya’ think?” reaction to the proposal. Elicited a laugh.
Note 8. “However, it is none of the above. It is caused when a mountain with Hepatitis needs to take a shit.” Wow. Elicited a O_O. However, the lines neither detract nor enhance the article.
Note 9. “Also, they are caused in really cold places.” Odd line. Sure it makes sense but it compelled a few double takes. Is this line relaying what it intended to relay?
Note 10. “Various things contribute to this. Because Mountains do not eat, those with Hepatitis need to take laxatives, or their liver will explode and become a volcano (See Mount St. Helens). Also, it is believed that mountains become unstable, just before an avalanche is caused.” Disappointing. Hitherto, the read has been a pleasant one. However, this part is just jarringly random, disjointed, and confusing. The hepatitis motif is forced and tiresome, especially in its unwelcome reiteration. The connection between avalanches and bm is tenuous. One may remove this with no loss to the strength of the article.
Note 11. "A common myth is that the mountain just got dumped." How fun! The idea is ticklingly clever.
Note 12. “However, mountains are giant mounted rocks, stuck in the ground. Thus, they have no emotions. Or brains. Or charisma. Or ANYTHING but lots of rock.” Such promise in the this thought! It just comes off clumsily. The previous idea needs a neat and satisfying conclusion. This passage has both long and short clauses: it should be one or the other. Perhaps making the sentences shorter, and so more stunted, will enhance the desired affect of pointing out the obviousness of the proposal.
Note 13. “Also, Shouting does not cause avalanches. So you can curse at the mountain all you want, and it will not shit on you. Consider yourself lucky.” Elicited no smirks, smiles, or lols. This section is out of place especially following the previous idea. Using “also” did not allay or justify such disjointed movement.
Note 14. What To Do Section. Largely unmemorable. The section did not elicit any smirks, smiles, or lols. However, “It will crush, freeze, sodomize, and dilapidate you until you become a part of it.” was incredible in its terrifying tenor. Although, “waste” or “savage” would be a better word in lieu of “dilapidate”. Also, kudos on the blood splatter: ’twas a nice touch.
|Concept:||7||Cool concept on crushing cascades. The article anticipates being a field guide to avalanches (evidenced by the “appearance” , “causes“, “what to do” sections and also by the article’s frequent use of the second person).|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Other than some aforementioned points (Note 9., Note 12., Note 13.), the grammar and formatting satisfied expectant Uncyclopedia standards.|
|Images:||6||First picture elicited puzzlement: the picture is not relevant. Though the captioning really is promising. The second picture is relevant but neither it nor the captioning were memorable. The last picture and its captioning elicited puzzlement.|
|Final Score:||33.8||A fine concept. Promising execution. The first half certainly evidences such. Being mindful of the aforementioned points, just spend a bit more time on this article and not try to rely so much on gross-out humor. This article, like any other article short of being deleted, has the potential to make cascades at VFH. Do your best! Good luck and Godspeed.|
|Reviewer:||Mightydandylion (talk) Fk 08:11, 19 May 2008 (UTC)|