Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Atlanta

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edit Atlanta

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

OK, what the hell, I'll have a look. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 10:42, 30 January 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 4 OK, you've written better. This isn't as bad as a lot of towncruft, but it's not great. Problems include: lists, irrelevant content (a list of Coke facts), little accessible and relevant content about the actual city. See my comments below.
Concept: 4 Real place and not made up - points there. But no coherent thread for the article, and that leads to irrelevant digressions and a lack of funny. You need to get a central thread for the article and build from there - jokes and ideas flow better when you have a central spur to hang them from.
Prose and formatting: 7 Meh, it's not badly written or formatted. But there's a couple of lists there, and they add little to nothing. Particularly for an article this length. Basically, you need more content. See comments.
Images: 6 OK, there are some, and they're relevant. Points there. But they're not really adding anything to the article. There's about the right number for the length of this article, but if you expand as I hope you will, you'll probably need more.
Miscellaneous: 5.3 Averaged according to the call of the South.
Final Score: 26.3 Well, it is above a lot of towncruft, and it's not a VFD candidate, which was my first fear when I decided to review a City-realted article. But it still falls into several of the classic traps. A bit of rewriting and expansion is called for here if you want to make this shine. See my comments below.
Reviewer: --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 10:57, 30 January 2008 (UTC)

OK, comments:

First up, I think the two quotes at the top should go - adding yourself in to the article is a nod in the direction of vanity. Pop 'em on your userpage if you like...

Now, the essential problem you face is that I think you're too close to the subject matter. Are y'all from round here? Sure seems that way. Most City articles are written by locals, and focus on in-jokes with scant regard for the majority of readers who've never visited. I've stayed well away from editing the article about my tiny little city for precisely that reason. Read it - does that make any sense to you?

A better plan is to write for outsiders, and patronise the hell out of them for never having visited your city. You can include all sorts of references to places well know to local residents, and send them up merrily while explaining just what the hell they are to the likes of me. That way you get multiple targets - outsiders, locals and the city itself. A tourist guide to the City could be a good format. You can allude to the dynamic, forward thinking traffic planning system that has resulted in a large number of motorists having ample time to appreciate the sights and sounds of fair Atlanta while sat in enormous tailbacks, for example.

And don't focus too much on the "dumb" aspect. Many city articles do the same damn thing - it seems that, to residents, their city is always one of the dumbest on earth. Yeah, you've got the SUH-thun cliché of dumb rednecks to back you up there, but don't play it too hard - it just reads like an article written by someone who hates the place, and hate is less funny than an amused look at the place and its many quirks. Unless it's really well done, over-the-top hate of course, but that's another matter...

Also, there's plenty else to mention. I'm sure you can have fun with the old tag "the city too busy to hate", for example, and the Olympics surely gives you a few things to aim at.

Also also, I did mention that the section on Coke goes off-topic. I'm not saying leave Coke out of it, but try to stay on what relevance it has to Atlanta, rather than veering off on the easy task of Coke-bashing. So make more of the museum (do they really not sell Coke there?)

Obviously you can't avoid Ted Turner, but as that link proves, we have an article on him, so focus on his relationship to the city, what local people think of him, how he owns the souls of 70% of all residents, something more relevant to the article.

Basically, you have a big-ass city there, with plenty to aim at (it's a Gamma World City - whatever that is!) so load up your comedy blunderbuss and let fly! Good city articles are rare, so I really hope you can tease one out for us here. Mind you, City articles are also vandalism and stupid edit magnets, so the very best of luck to you!

And as always: this is only my opinion, others are available. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 11:24, 30 January 2008 (UTC)

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