Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Asian Black Bear

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edit Asian Black Bear

Sakai4eva 11:45, January 20, 2010 (UTC) begs clemency for this is his first article...

I got This. Give me about 24 hours--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 03:55, January 21, 2010 (UTC)
Actually, give me another day to do it--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 03:29, January 22, 2010 (UTC)
I'll be able to get to this tonight. Sorry for the delay--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 16:05, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
Dammit, I keep forgeting to finish this. I WILL get it done tonight--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 01:18, January 26, 2010 (UTC)
I'm going to wrestle this bear. And Sakai4eva I review articles based on the article, not who wrote it or how experienced they are. I'm an SOB that way (Seriously, I focus on helpful comments and suggestions for improvement--I try to write the kind of reviews I like people doing for my articles, whenever I get around to writing one). WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 20:17, January 28, 2010 (UTC)
Thanks for being honest in the review. I did got a bit frustrated in the end and tried to bring it to a quick end, which I know I shouldn't have. I'll be working on this on my free time for a second review (fingers crossed). --Sakai4eva 00:52, January 29, 2010 (UTC)
I look forward to seeing what you do. I always suggest having a different reviewer for a second review so you get a different perspective, but would definitely like to see it. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 22:42, January 29, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

I like to introduce myself to a reviewee so you'll know how unqualified I am. I was voted RotM a month or two ago, so some people think I don't totally suck. I have a fair, general knowledge of animals, but have no specialized knowledge on the Asian Black Bear. Also I've recently been calling myself Batman.

Concept: 5 I made my own version of the standard review template to put concept at the beginning, because I think that's where most problems--and fixes--lie. The reason this score isn't higher is because I'm not sure what the concept is. Is this about a dark, misunderstood hero who replaced Batman, a trained ninja, or is it about a DJ; and is this about a successful bear, as the beginning seems to indicate, or a failure, as the ending seems to say? The beginning got me looking forward to an article about a hero bear replacing Batman with some tongue-in-cheekiness to it. But the concept seemed to go somewhere else. I think with a clearer concept, you could greatly improve this article.
Prose and Formatting: 6.5 I put Humour comments in with P & F so I don't repeat myself too much, but do score them seperately.

This is a really mixed score. The earlier sections I found very good, and would have rated about an 8. But then the article seemed to lose it, and I would rate the last sections about a 5. You have the talent or you wouldn't have been able to write the beginning; I'd like to see that continued through to the end.

Your intro

It's one of the curses of Uncyclopedia that many, many articles begin with quotes, but very few featured articles do. Reading a number of random articles here is, unfortunately, a good way to learn what admins and featured writers don't like. However, in this case I think it's a nice quote, and does work with the white bat shape on the bear's chest. (Yes, I noticed you didn't add the quote, but worked on it--that's fine). The large number of linked bear references in some parts of the article might be a bit much, although with fewer I'd like this.
"It...on his chest...losing his." (His-it conflict--and yes, I do get picky sometimes). I like the Mickey Mouse reference--true.
"Giant panda (comma) pointed to...."--add comma.

Birth

I like this section; nice setup--assuming the article continues to deal with the bear's life. So the reader will likely keep reading to find out.

Childhood

"As any watcher of cheesy 80s movies will know"--I might cut cheesy, or use a word that's more subtle and more in tone with the rest of the article. Also "Giant panda" as father and then grandfather could use rewording--yes, I know IRL there's more than one giant panda, but then IRL there's more than on Asian Black Bear, right? Also I think this section has a good start, but could leave the reader wanting a little more description. What ninja martial arts did he learn? What was his grandfather like? Yes, I know it's described more in Youth, but "persisted and learned all the arts of a ninja" implies it happened in childhood, not youth. You might want to change this to something like "Asian Black Bear persisted and finally was accepted as a student of the ninja arts by his grandfather...."

Youth

Here, the article talks about the training. I found this the weakest section so far. I didn't find the piss part funny, and would like to see some funny descriptions of specific things the bear did. Humour is usually in the specifics (as is, in fact, good writing in general). Also, believe it or not but not all readers are playing the current version of D & D, and may have no idea what a Abishai is. (I'm a long-time roleplayer, and I didn't know--I had to look it up. I did know who Tiamat was, though; I met her once. Scary. But many readers would have no idea who she is, either). I'd recommend either describing it, or chosing a creature like a dragon or a cockatrice or something else people would be familiar with.

Approaching Adulthood

"...he failed to attract any bitches because he is too black"--"failed" and "is" mixes past and present--there's a tense mix on "this has a tremendous...remained" too. This refers to his death, which I think is a bit early in the article. Also I didn't find this section funny.

Pre-Adulthood

if you want to use the present tense "music will only bring evil to the clan" in a past tense section, you can put it in quotes as if grandfather said it. Also the bear keeps switching focus--he's a ninja and DJ and pirate. It's difficult to make this work, but if you work on it more you might be able to bring it together.

On the Verge of Adulthood

"Now I'm beginning to see running joke that this bear takes forever to grow up, if he ever does. Nice.
"After training several years with God"--this seems random, and leaves me wondering where did this come from? Also I found this section confusing.

Cusp of Adulthood

Continuing the running this-bear-isn't-growing-up joke is fine. But this section is short, and ties in with the previous section which I didn't particularly care for.

Death

Now here may be a reason for the earlier dying a virgin reference. As such, I think this very short section works. But I think it could use more build--maybe two or three times in the article, you could make a reference to the bear vowing or knowing that he would never die a virgin like (that pathetic someone did) because he's too cool, or some such, and then this section hits us with a laugh.

See also

You could, if you liked, add a link to Pedobear. Not that I'm suggesting that because I helped with that article, you understand.

Footnotes

Honestly, none of these worked terribly well for me except number 6 and maybe number 3.

There's Category:Bears you could add to the bottom of this.

Humo(u)r: 5 As with Prose and Formatting, this is a mixed score. Again, I think the beginning of the article was very nice, but then it seemed to lose it as it went. I think the solution may largely be in getting a clear concept.
Images: 8 I really like the first pic, which is straight from Wikicommons. It works, although I'd probably mention that the V-shape also looks like a bat (that description should probably come somewhere early in the article, not in the caption--maybe "white crescent "V-bat" emblem on his chest" or something). I didn't get Bio-regenerative Chemical Reactor as it doesn't seem to refer to anything in the article, unless I missed it. I like the strength, intelligence, weight and length descriptions, although "a freakin' ton" could be more subtle.

In general, I like the pics and captions, except for the caption of Giant Panda playing a flute. Yes, it does look like he's playing a flute, but the brains part doesn't seem to fit the picture. Maybe it's some kind of ninja sonar weapon or something (and also if Giant Panda doesn't like music, why's he playing the flute? I know, that might be why you made it a killing thing instead of musical, but it's still playing a flute). Also I think some of the pics would be better if just a little larger, but that may not be necessary. And some people won't care for the extra white space the placements of photos leaves.

Miscellaneous: 6.125 average of above
Final Score: 30.625 Again, you definitely show talent, and I thought the beginning showed a great deal of promise. If you get a clearer concept of where you're going with this, and raise the latter sections up to the high standard you set in the earlier sections, I think you'd have a very fine article here. Please let me know on my talk page if you edit this.
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 22:22, January 28, 2010 (UTC) (note the cool time stamp).
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