||Introducing your Reviewer for the Day I like to begin my reviews with an intro to me so you know how unqualified I am. I've never watched America's Next Top Model and know very little about Armenia, so if I'm missing an obvious joke you'll know why. But I have been friends and have worked with models, so I know a little of the inside stuff.
I like putting Prose and Formatting in with Humour so I don't repeat myself too much, but do score them separately.
All in all I like this article. Many of my comments will seem nitpicky, but that's only because they are.
- "It's a dilema we all face."--like it (but spelled dilemma). "the case of Tyra Banks (comma) it was all three...."--this to me seems random. If there were a public sex scandal and a public drug scandal involving Tyra, I would accept this as satire. But she, as far as I know, has managed to remain largely uncontroversial and scandal-free.
Episodes One and Two
- "Despite terrible roads and hotels that rarely rose above four star standards...."--like this. "But Tyra banks (Banks) was never going to be content with the obvious (Period). The team
- "On the road they
tried-out tried out countless hopefuls (period). This process, along...."-rather like this part (but "...exploration (comma) the series...." And it should be "capitol".
- "...July 16th, 1459 on the Armenian calendar...."--like this because it's at least close to accurate, and July and December have very different weather.
- "Many of the more rural girls were visibly overcome by the splendour of downtown Yerevan (period). It took all of Sticky’s homely British charm to convince seventeen year old (17-year-old) Bulimia...."--nice model name, Bulimia.
- "...without walls (comma) Episode Two...."--liked erecting walls and cow dung/mud/manicured nails. (I think your use of "mucked in" is technically incorrect, but so what).
- "At the end of two days (comma) the NTM pad was ready (period). The girls lay...." "fashion-world" should be "fashion world". Like Nigel Felcher's mags (I think I subscribe to two of them). "Nigel Felcher made...."--another really long sentence; I had to read it two or three times because I forgot the beginning part by the time I got to the end. I find it a useful rule that sentences longer than 25 words should very rarely be used, and then only with really good reason. I think it if were broken up, I'd like it.
- "A girl's gotta be able to handle her ass in this business."--a really old joke, but I like it.
- "...most beautiful girls (comma) ANTM...."--again, longish sentence.... "After an exhausing day's pouting (comma) the girls...."--really like the pouting bit; building walls and such is routine, but pouting is exhausting. Again, capitol (chief city) not capital (chief letter).
- "The event was sponsored by Kashmiri Kaftan's (Asia's most trendy manufacturer of quality eveningwear) (comma)...."--like the kaftan evening (space) wear bit, but don't know that it fits with Tyra talking to the girls--two different topics that I don't see belonging in the same sentence. Maybe put Kashmiri Kaftan's next to the commercial break. "Who would rise to the challenge? Who would give in to the pressure?"--like these; gives the reader anticipation for the future, and also they're short sentences.
- "...fellow-contestants (comma) but led...."--also a one-legged woman named Peggi? I find your names to be, well, funny. Although the hopping along bit I found a little painful.
- "...Sticky inisted (insisted)". "...fake (comma) I don't see...." Also "wooden-leg" should be "wooden leg."
- "Tearful scenes on the bus...."--really long sentence.
- "...condemned to be stoned to death by the roadside"--while technically correct, this seems to imply the roadside did the stoning. Maybe "...next to the roadside." "The audience can only have been astonished...."--nice idea here, but really long sentence.
- "It's such a pity (comma) but this...."--this paragraph is painfully funny. It would almost be too much for my delicate tastes, except for the phrase "...catch the evening light"--very nice usage in the middle of a stoning. The image this created in my mind will likely haunt me for a while.
- "Nigel - "And the Taliban...."--Nigel the sportscaster; nice.
Episode Four (the first episode four)
Obviously, should be Episode Tree. I accidentally skipped this section on first reading. When I came back, I liked it--more concern about how you look at a funeral than the girl who died.
- "...any Next top (Top) Model series...."
- "...playing the game (comma) though."
- "A model gotta be decorous...."--"A model's got to be decorous...."
- "Bakum mountains"--Bakum Mountains"
- "...away from the graveside (comma) Tyra...."
Episode Four (the second episode four)
- "Zmrukht's death (comma) ANTM....so far (period). And yet...." "...Top Model (comma) Tyra Banks...."
At this point, For the first time...." "But poise and elegance...."--this sentence is a little awkward; sorry, no specific suggestions right now.
- "Parading around in public half-dressed...."--like this.
- "two more episodes (comma) the remaining...."
- "frequent power-cuts (comma) each...."
- "fascinating episodes (comma) cameras followed the girsl (girls) downtown Yerevan and
on to their meeting...."
- '...disqualified Hrachuhi (comma) but...."--like the leather/silk bit. However, you have an inconsistency here--Zmrukht Hajii is stoned for showing 2 cm too much forehead, but the remaining girls will happily slap on a bikini. Wouldn't they be fearful?
- "Following further tabloid scandal surrounding Hrachuhi Adiposa, Sky TV insisted that the series (be) ended immediately...."--weren't we already told it would be six episodes? You might want to reference this so the reader doesn't get confused (as I did). Also what are the further scandals?
- "...first place (comma) it was...." "Tyra (comma) however, refused...."
- "...too old (comma)" she told...." "superficial things qualities like age..."--choose "superficial" or "qualities."
- "She had the skin of a girl a third her age...."--this section is a little painful for me, but you handle it well.
- "...Vaginica remaining (comma) Tyra sent...."--again, I really like your names.
- "photographer (no comma_ Donald,,,," Geiger counter (put the comma you just took out here) the three...."
- "This is a shoot for Scientific American...."--this part sounds stupid to me--but stupid AND funny. Nice.
- It was a tense day...."--I like your descriptions here. But again, are the girls worried about the stoners showing up? "37oC"--this may be one of the proper ways to write this, but I'm not familiar with it.
- "...the crowning of (the) eventual winner."
- "Nigel - I'd say that the...."--his argument fits the character nicely.
- "Tyra...weight-issue"--should be weight issue. "She's out of control (period or - ) there's fat...."
- "Eventually (comma) however (comma) the results...."
- "Nigel Barker"--Nigel who? "...insistant (insistent) on her victory, hoepful (hopeful)...."
In some sections, you have long sentences followed by long sentences. I'd recommend splitting many of them into shorter sentences (some examples above). In regard to missing commas, have you tried reading your work out loud? Wherever you pause when you aren't at the end of a sentence, you'll probably want to put a comma. (Try reading those two previous sentences out loud).