Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Arceus

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edit Arceus

S3ahawk 23:45, August 16, 2010 (UTC)

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

This mine. 24 hours... --Some Idiot Image002 23:25, August 20, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 5 Hello. Before I start here I feel the main problems are in the concept section. Here, I'm simply going to go through entire article and give you ideas, suggestions and comments to improve the basic humor of your article. Each section gets a dot point. Here we go...
  • Introduction: This part needs a lot of work. It's quite confusing, doesn't give us much of an idea about what this article is about, and doesn't give us much humor either. First of all - slow it down. Check out the Wikipedia article on God. Check out what they say there, and incorporate that stuff into your introduction. Your guy is a Pokemon, so I think it should be pretty easy to milk some good stuff out of the Wikipedia introduction. After the first sentence, the rest of this becomes a big muddle. You've told us four completely random ideas in their own sentences. It's way too fast. Once again, you need to slow down a bit and check out the ideas you have here. How can you make them better, and clearer? How can you build on them? Can you make them their own paragraphs?
  • Appearance: This can be expanded. You're talking about a God here, so go a bit wild with your description. A lama fused with Megatron? That's a bit hard to imagine - can you give us a better description? I like the fact that he can change into aircraft, because he is part Transformer. Can you tell us more about this?
  • Diet: Alien souls... why alien souls? Why not human souls? Or Pokemon souls? Is there a reason for this? I'm just chucking ideas around here.
  • Behavior: His teachings? What teachings? Maybe you should have talked about this kind of stuff before...
  • Habitat: This is ok, but I don't have any real comments to make.
  • Temples of Arceus: I'd love you to go into this more. All you've basically done is describe the place. How many people visit?
    • The Temple Vault: This is good...
    • The Consultation Chamber: What? Why do they have to do this? I'm a bit confused... Maybe you should explain what this is all about BEFORE you tell us what happens, as this is a little confusing.
    • Therapy Chamber: Again! The teachings! I think you should definitely have a section at the start telling us about his teachings and all that kind of stuff.
      • Section 1: So, here's Thetin again. Another thing you haven't explained. What is it? I looked it up on Wikipedia but the entry is unreadable.
      • Section 2: This is ok.
      • Section 3: This is a bit weird. Can you go into it a bit more, explain further? How does this competition take place?
      • Section 4: Hm, pretty good.

From here on it starts to get a bit dreary, the same old thing all over again. My advice is to cut down on these tasks. Leave the better ones and destroy the weaker ones. Many of these I find unfunny and the tasks seem to be just the same thing towards the end.

In the end, this definitely needs work with the jokes, as it's not overly funny. Most improvements I have detailed above, but it's the concept section which really needs improvement. If you haven't checked out H.T.B.F.A.N.J.S. then do so.

Concept: 3 This is your article's weak point. Your concept jumps around, doesn't stay put on the right idea, hasn't been used to it's extent. Here are your problems in convenient dot points:
  • The beginning article describes him as if he is just an animal, with diet, behavior, habitat...
  • Your temples section is the only other part and it simply describes the temple.
  • You have said many things that need to be explained earlier.
  • There is much, much more you can do with this concept.

My advice: check out Wikipedia articles. See what they say about Gods there. Build on this article. All you've told us is what he looks like, what he eats, his behavior and where he lives. You've done most of this article as if he is an animal. Change this so you are describing a God. What are his teachings? How do his religious followers go about their daily lives? What rituals are performed? Are there any conflicts between separate religions? How many people are his followers? There is heaps you could say here.

You need a definite course and idea on your article and I don't think yours has one. This the main problem with your article but It can be fixed if you work on it.

Prose and formatting: 6 Your article is written quite well, as your style of prose is rather consistent and is well done. Your article looks ok. However, a few minor points to make your article look perfect...
  • It needs some more Wikilinks towards the end.
  • Try and make all your pictures around the same size.
  • Spread out your pictures, not only so they have even spaces, but so some are on the left and the right, etc...
  • Your article may look better without a contents bar. (You take away the contents by adding __NOTOC__ to your page.)
Images: 5 Your images are ok, kind of. A few points though...
  • First picture: This is good.
  • Second picture: Can someone photoshop this a little better? Maybe it's meant to look bad, but I still think it would better with some better quality.
  • Third picture: Err... what reading mechanism? You never mentioned any reading mechanism...
  • Fourth picture: A map of what? The therapy chamber?

I still think you could add some more pictures, just one of the actual Arceus, or maybe of his temple.

Miscellaneous: 4.75 Averaged your score using my computer calculator. How handy are those things? Oh, and I think you should add a quote or two. A well written quote is always great.
Final Score: 23.75 So, 23.75. How I love decimals. Anyway, your article needs some work n the separate sections, but the main problem is in the concept section, as I have already said. I'm not going to reiterate much here. Some of the things I said might of been a little harsh, but if it did sound like that then it wasn't my fault. This article definitely has potential to be very good, if you work on it. I hope I helped a little!
Reviewer: --Some Idiot Image002 00:24, August 21, 2010 (UTC)
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