Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Anti-Ugly Pill

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edit Anti-Ugly Pill

Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:36, October 8, 2009 (UTC)

Yup, I'm here. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:14, October 8, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 3 The article seems to have a fair structure as to the humour but your use of it seems confused and not particularly coherent. The first thing I would recommend is that you refresh your memory of HTBFANJS as a couple of parts of your article are verging more towards stupid than amusing. The second thing that I would recommend is that you sort out the joke saturation in your article. You are falling into a very common trap by filling the article with so many jokes that they overwhelm any coherence that it may have. Some of your jokes are good and should be kept, but you should use HTBFANJS and your own judgement to determine which ones these should be. I also think that juxtaposed with having too many jokes the article doesn't have enough variation in the jokes, every joke is about how this pill gets rid of ugliness and about the ugliness of the people using it. You need to try to introduce different sources of humour, for example you can joke about how the reader might want to use this product.

I also think that there is a huge amount of humour to be found through changing the style to make the article like an actual article. For example start with something like: "Hey, you, yes you! What's your name? So, <insert name here> are you fed up of people giving you bananas, mistaking you for a chimp? Fed up of being thrown out of Halloween parties for being too scary after taking your costume off? I bet you are, sit down over here and let me tell you all about how you can stop being such a hideous freak. Wow, are you are actually sitting down? Brilliant, stupid as well as ugly, I have some magic beans for you to consider buying later." A format like that would suit your article much better in my view, insulting the reader both explicitly and implicitly would work very well especially for this concept.

If you want to keep the format as it is then you should cut the jokes down and reference with HTBFANJS to find out the best way to add new jokes. Try to be less random and more structured with it.

Concept: 5 Your concept is fine, but as I mentioned above I think you have gone with the wrong tone for it. If you are trying to advertise a product you would be better doing the article from a first person perspective. The main reason for this is that advertisements often use quite informal language to address the customer. You rarely hear adverts where they just list what the product does and then say why you should buy it. They say things like "Hey, have you heard about the new miracle product from Thisisacon?? Well if you haven't etc etc". So you should try and emulate this informal style with your article. Currently you seem to be stuck between the two, parts of your article verge closer to informal while others are very formal and detached. Try to be more consistent with it.
Prose and formatting: 4 Your spelling and grammar is very poor. If English is not your first language then this is understandable and I would recommend putting this template: {{Proofread}} onto the page once you are finished editing and someone will come and fix the spelling and grammar up for you. I will say no more about it in this instance. If English is your first language then you need to try to check your work carefully as there are a lot of careless errors here. As far as formatting goes, the one image is fine, but you need to get a couple more images for your article, see below for details. You should also try and break up the text with paragraphs a little as you are getting on for having some sizeable chunks of text.
Images: 4 The image is fine, and you just need to get some more in. Be creative when choosing them and try to come up with some images that fit in well with what you are saying. You should try and put captions onto the images that don't simply state what is in the image, captions can really make or break an image so you should put some effort into choosing the correct one. So, mainly, more images and captions please!
Miscellaneous: 4 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 20 Overall I think there is a ton of potential here, and that you just need to take the article in a different direction to reach it with the least difficulty. As I said, while you have a lot of difficulties there are some good jokes here and I would encourage you to make use of HTBFANJS to find them. Otherwise, you need to use your own judgement and carry out the improvements you think are necessary. Receiving a low score can be very disheartening, so I would encourage you to ask for an informal opinion from another editor or even ask for help in improving the article. If you have and questions, requests or queries for me then feel free to contact me on my talk page. Good luck making any improvements.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 13:18, October 8, 2009 (UTC)
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