Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Anti-Emo Pill
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NeuroticNinjaPirate666 16:29, July 28, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3.14||O.k this article's humor is quite bland. It has very view actual jokes. The point of this site, is to make up funny articles with jokes galore in every article. The best form of humor to use in articles is "irony". Your article had no irony whatsoever. I mean you could have simply said Pills are injected through the wrists, it's ironic and clever!
You are missing a whole section that could lead to complete and utter success of the article, side effects. Here is where you can put that "Uncyclopedia" humor and is a great opening to irony. For example, a side effect of these pill could be depression/thoughts of suicide! That is ironic, and that's what makes it funny, and Anti-Emo pill making you want to kill yourself! You also add things like penis-loss or may cause fear of bunnies, things that are barbaric and uncalled for are always surprising and funny!
QUOTES! Oh my goodness, an article without a quote is bound to be send to the VFD. Quotes can be through around anywhere, but a 2 per section limit is necessary. I don't have any examples for you, but Oscar Wilde is actually a must, it's sort of a tradition, and although sometimes it's overused, it makes your article "more official, and normal".
Now what i did find funny is how the pill makes you die. That is in fact funny, and that is why you didn't get a zero. Jokes like those are great and should be more common in your articles because they make people laugh and are original!
Now what really took this article down is the technical terms. Instead of comedy you explained on how it all works, an honestly, that's just boring. Actually that's pretty much your whole article, it sort of just dragged on.
Now don't be upset, this one just didn't work out! It's o.k, with just a little more irony, and maybe even a bit of sarcasm your next will knock them off there feet!
|Concept:||4||The concept of this was good, but yet you didn't take advantage of it. You had a great idea for an article but you missed all of the things that you could have done to make it good. Some ideas were even too obvious to miss in my opinion, and somehow you missed them. But it's OK, that's the point of these reviews, I'm here to help you find those ideas. But the fact that you made such a good idea like this means you have great potential! Next time, look at your title, and think of something that can be taken advantage of, especially when making quotes.|
|Prose and formatting:||.5||This truly hurt your article. The very first sentence doesn't even make sense. This article was extremely hard to follow. You constantly pus a space prior to your commas and periods, which is unnecessary.
Your intro was short and sloppy, never have it that small, and don't end it with a "the following", as in your going to make a list. An intro is supposed to be a quick summary of what your about to read, not the first to sentences of your next paragraph. You should have actually mentioned how it kills you at the very beginning, this catches a readers attention, and will make them continue reading the article rather than just skipping it.
You also began to speak German near the end, bad move, and the fact is it wasn't even a part of some joke. On the other hand, it was actually continuing the "technical talk" on how it effects your body. Don't do that, if your German, i would advise that you stick with making German articles, not English.
|Images:||0||There are no images. A good idea would have been to photoshop a regular pill or a bottle, and placed Anti-Emo Pill somewhere on it.
Another good thing would have been to show someone taking the pill in one of the "taking sections. And finally a person smiling dead on a couch would have been perfect for the "effect" part.
|Miscellaneous:||2||I really think that because you dragged on with the talk on how it literally works you took away from this article that had great potential. To be honest, it not only confused me personally, but also board me. Leave all the actually facts in wikipedia, our opposite, which is another thing in mind. A good strategy to keep in mind is to find a related wikipedia article, and try to write opposite or contrary facts on it. What you could do in this case, is find a article on wikipedia on "anti-depressants" and use the method.|
|Final Score:||9.64||I think that you have great potential, i mean the idea was great, and the little amount of jokes in it were great, but you through this one away. But it's O.K, if you want my advise, re-write it. And send it back here when your done. Also, read through it, and try to find any errors you made, so it looks better overall. Keep trying, and don't give up on writing, you will get the hang of it!|
|Reviewer:||--Happymonkey39 Dah Meme Master 04:50, July 29, 2010 (UTC)|
I'd just like to add something. Happymonkey, you mentioned using quotes or its definitely VFD bound. This isn't necessarily true at all. Quotes are an old, ugly concept that we try to stay away from as best we can nowadays. They were beaten to death a few years ago and are only used sparsely now. Especially Oscar Wilde quotes. They are a last ditch effort to get a joke and usually turn people off reading your page. 17:44, July 29, 2010 (UTC)