Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Anne frank Tree falls on Mosque -Palin says it is a Sign

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edit User:Phrage/UnNews:Anne Frank Tree falls on Mosque -Palin says it is a Sign

Please let me know where you think i might improve the article so that Mordillo will not reject it again the second time round ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:16, August 24, 2010 (UTC)

Sorry you had to wait so long. Your wait from this point will be about as long as it would take a tree branch to fall 100 meters on Luna. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 19:44, October 1, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

Hi there I'm Why do I need to provide this I like to introduce myself so people know how unqualified I am. I read The Diary of Anne Frank (English translation of the uncensored version which sometimes gets a little nasty). I know some of the basics of Islam and also the stereotypes, and I am absolutely not the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild no matter what anybody says. As you probably don't know me, I got a Steel Kidney and have done 50 out of 50 in depth reviews, so some people think I don't totally suck.

By the way, I'm sorry no one came along to review this earlier. I haven't been active here lately, and haven't even been able to type after I broke my hand.

Concept: 1 "UnNews:Anne Frank Tree falls on Mosque -Palin says it is a Sign". I found some nice description in this article, but honestly didn't find a clear concept or, quite honestly, a concept. As this is the headline of an UnNews article, this is what I would expect this article to be about. But this article wanders from Islamic insults to other things, and never even seems to deal with the tree falling on a mosque--it seems to say the tree is Muslim. In fact the word "mosque" doesn't even appears in the article. I would suggest taking what you have (some of your description I really liked), getting a clear concept of what your article is, and then rewriting it.
Prose and Formatting: 3 This is a mixed score--the parts I liked best I would score very high; you show definite potential. But unfortunately they seemed to get lost in the middle of parts that seemed random and didn't hold together as an article. I have some suggestions for how you might want to work on this some more.

I put most Humour comments in with Prose, but do score them separately.

Your intro I don't get the hardboiled egg reference--does it somehow relate to journalism?

NAME OF CITY A minor point, but "150-year-old" with those little - thingies. "Twisted Islamic roots"--that works for me because it blends the tree image with symbolic twisted roots. I know Amsterdam is know for selling diamonds, but don't see how this related with backwater, but the phrasing is nice. I'd recommend cutting having 150 years twice, but I'm not sure--it might work if you reword the sentence.

"...knitting peas...."--this sounds like what's known here as "random." Does this relate to Anne Frank or could it be said about anybody? Humour is almost always funnier if it specifically fits the topic. Also I think there's more uses of variations of "muslim" that this section needs.
"The rotten and diseased tree...."--this section to me doesn't hold together. It snapped and went crazy in a typical Muslim (capitalized) way--what does that mean? What's a Muslim spitting cobra tree? And "no one knows for sure"--about what?
"nobody...injured...." and "liars died"--I believe this is intended as an obvious error, but I don't find it funny. Then it talks about a shed, which I don't see relating to the rest of this. I got lost in "Israel said special extra" etc.
"Then he lovingly beheaded a photographer...."--again, this seems random. What is this article about? Is it about the tree? You might want to check some real news articles; they generally stay very focused on their topic, and takeoffs almost always work better if they stay firmly focused on their topic. Also the article seems to swtich from past to present, and it's not always clear which is which.
"Anne Frank wrote on 23 February 1944...."--other than this all being one sentence, I like the description here. And in case you didn't know, in the uncensored version Anne really did write about masturbation, but she was subtle. I think if you made it subtle here that would work better. But this paragraph shows you can write nice descriptions.
""Tragically, Anne Frank...."--I thought this a good beginning, but didn't get the coal effect and Daily Mail references. Also the Sarah Palin sentences following it seemed random.
"That was the last summer...."--this seems completely random and to me doesn't fit the article.
"A cold wind...."--I think if you work on what comes before this, this sentence could work well.

Sources I'd get rid of the red links.

Formatting comments are under Images.

I would consider this a rough draft. Now I'd suggest going back and getting a firm concept to hold the article together, and cut ouf the parts that don't fit.

Humo(u)r: 3 I think there's some places that could be very funny if the parts around them held together better (see my comments in Prose).
Images: 5 Sorry but I don't get Anne Frank as a Native American in headdress. You might want to ask how does this fit the article? If the article had said something about Native Americans being the lost tribes of the Jews or some such, I might see a connection (and by the way, I am not suggesting you add that to the article).

The "God Bless Hitler" picture fits the article better. With a clearer concept to the article, it might fit very well.

The tree picture is OK, except it doesn't look like it's near any buildings. Also the caption calls it an evil muslim tree, but your article title suggests the tree if anything would be against Muslims. There's a photo of the real "Anne Frank tree" at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Annefranktree_edit1.jpg But if you can get a photo of a tree next to a mosque, so much the better (assuming your final article is about a tree hitting a mosque).

On my computer screen, the captions for the photos start on the right and end on the left because they're competing for space with the images. You might want to work on that.

Miscellaneous: 3 Average of above
Final Score: 15 Again, I think some parts of this show you are capable of writing very nice descriptions and humour. But I'd recommend starting at the roots and regrowing this article so it holds together and doesn't fall apart. Good luck with rewriting!
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 19:56, October 1, 2010 (UTC)
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