Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Android (operating system)
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My first major non-meme article (I was formerly known as this loser). A bit of a stub right now, but I'm actively expanding it, and it probably won't be when you see it. Thanks for reviewing! TorontoLRT 00:45, April 20, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Hi TorontoLRT, let's take a look at this article of yours.
The Year of the Android
|Concept:||6||Overall, there isn't much of a concept, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. What you've gone for here is the old "telling the truth" angle, something that is done surprisingly rarely in a standard encyclopaedic mainspace entry such as this. However I feel you could be more consistent. The article on Machine gun for instance, takes a similar approach in terms of not having a fixed angle per se, but the tone remains steadfastly cynical, and a lot of the punchlines just come back to lots of people being killed. It would be nice to see yours with a similar degree of conciseness. Try to keep the style of humour in particular within a similar vein, rather than just trying a bit of everything, which is what it feel like you're doing now. Another article I recommend you read, if you haven't already, is KDE as I can see some crossovers. Again, see how consistent it is, and also how much detail it goes into. As a total technophobe I have no problem at all understanding what it's talking about, so in regards to that it might be a good model to follow. What you have already is good, but you should definitely expand upon it. You could go into a lot more detail on pretty much everything you mention, and if you write more, you're bound to come up with more jokes too, which would help greatly.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||There are one or two slip-ups in the prose, which I may as well just list here. First, there's a line in the History section; "attempted to imply", which is rather clunky. How can you attempt to imply? Did the implication fail, or did he simply "imply"? I'm guessing you should just go with the second answer. Then in the Features section, you need to delete a word from this line: "Android, despite the insistence of Apple Fans, Android". I don't know if you can see that now I've pointed it out, but there are one too many "Android"s. There is also a bit around here where the writing suddenly becomes first person. This is inconsistent with the rest of the article, and looks a tad sloppy I'm afraid. Stick to one person, whether it's first or third (or even second) throughout the whole piece.
In terms of formatting, the article does look slightly ugly. There are probably a number of things contributing to this, the most obvious being the lack of images (see below). The high number of red links (considering the length) doesn't help either. One of the things you ought to work on here is the shortness of all the sections. Ask yourself, if you're only going to have a sentence or two under a subheading, is it really worth separating them? The answer is up to you of course, but it might be something to consider. Expansion will help too, as even without the subheadings your sections are brief, which makes them look cluttered. A See Also section might make the end look a bit more like an end too. The way it stops so suddenly doesn't look very professional (although I do dislike pointless See Also sections myself, they tend to at least have more aestheticism than an abrupt stop).
|Images:||1||Ok, there's only one and it's not especially funny, which is why the score is so low. The whole "typical fan" thing is something that a lot of new users try, usually to little effect. For your main image you could really do with something broad and striking that establishes your concept. Then you can go for the sillier pictures through the rest of the article (and you do sorely need more, I generally work to the rule "fit as many as you can in"). Take a look at some of our featured articles and see how they use images, this might be of help to you. Pictures of the device itself is an obvious choice (it would also help guys like me (read: luddites) get a better idea of what you're describing).|
|Miscellaneous:||6||Article as a whole.|
|Final Score:||25||So overall some good work so far, it just feels a little bit first-drafty though, if you know what I mean. I think expansion is the key, especially in terms of detail, jokes and images. Add a little more of those three things and you should be well on your way to having a great article with just a little bit more work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 02:40, April 29, 2011 (UTC)|