Well I threw this rewrite together in about an hour so there are bound to be some mistakes. The joke of course is the total change in heart in the main character after her audition. Please in depth! Thanks! ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 05:24, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 05:24, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
Even though I kind of saw it coming, the obnoxiousness made me laugh quite a few times; and it's a million times better than the previous version. The concept is great, and the execution, well, needs a bit of work. The biggest flaw is that the outcome and the majority of the article are pretty predictable. I'm not sure if this is enough to bring down the article as a whole, because it was pretty amusing reading it and knowing what the outcome would be. Second, because of the lack of commas, you seem a bit like you're rambling. It's still funny, but it looks a bit sloppy.
Like I said, this is the kind of thing you would expect from an article about American Idol, so it isn't the most original idea out there, but it definetely has feature potential if you work it out right.
Prose and formatting:
My main concern. An article that is going to be visited (and most likely vandalized) by IPs and possible new users needs to be in tip top shape, so I think you should do a fluent spelling and grammar check on this one. The dialogue between the characters is lacking proper puncuation, as is the narration. Once you work that out, your article will look a lot more presentable. For example, "Ryan Seacrest: Hey your about to go on you nervous at all?" needs to be transformed into "Ryan Seacrest: Hey, you're about to go on, are you nervous at all?". The poor puncuation kind of dragged down the article as a whole. As for the formatting, it looks alright, and the images seem like they're in the right places, but you might want to take some of the larger paragraphs and space them out like you did with the dialogue.
They don't have any laugh out loud moments in their own right, but as a whole they don't feel out of place with the article, and compliment the text nicely. Nothing really much to improve on here, with the possible exception of a much better photoshop in the first image- you might want to ask someone for help on that.
My overall grade of the article.
Basically, you've got a good concept, an amusing execution, and overall a pretty decent article. However, the sloppy language will keep it off of VFH. Like I said above, you might want to enlist PS to help you look over this article, because it just seems kind of long winded right now. Once you get that sorted out, you might want a better opening image. After you're done fixing everything up, this will probably land on VFH. Nice work! =)