Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Allah's law

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edit Allah's law

I've been at work on this - but I've got to a point with it where I am a bit concerned of repeating the same jokes over and over again. I would like to know whether it needs a change of pace; something like that. Knucmo2 21:37, November 1, 2009 (UTC)

Hawthorn Peebles gave a review which was pretty poor, I've reverted and I hope for a more constructive return this time please. --Knucmo2 19:12, November 3, 2009 (UTC)

OK, I'm in here now. In future please refrain from deleting reviews, if you are unsatisfied with a review simply resubmit it to the queue and put (second opinion) after the article title, that way nobody gets offended and you get more feedback. Reviewers can get annoyed if an author just deletes their comments. I'll leave it this time but please don't do it again. --ChiefjusticeDS 12:09, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 5 OK, your humour isn't too bad, and the article amused me at points but you still need to work on it. The first thing I recommend you do is take a look through HTBFANJS, not because I think your humour is poor but because it is a very useful resource and may help you work on some of the other points. I think you have spotted part of your main problem, but it isn't so much that you are repeating yourself at this stage but rather all the jokes seem to be in the same vein, that the reader is a western infidel, and that Allah's laws come down to hating anyone who doesn't believe in him. This is fine but you should bear in mind that this is land well travelled by now and that there are literally hundreds of articles using a similar formula. What you need to do now is try to introduce different ways of making this funny, I think there is a lot of potential using the first person perspective that you use most prominently in the latter part of the article. I would recommend expanding this so it is prominent throughout the article. Beyond this the other problem I found with your humour was that the first part of the article seems a bit confused, if you do decide to rewrite it then try to avoid being sidetracked from your point. Consider trying different techniques to be more concise with points, rather than saying "The Book of Revelations is all about God revealing himself to Jesus - Not in a sexual way of course. Even if God's genitals are massive - and they are, for such is their potency that they are able to blind any unbeliever at any distance. I am serious)" Try saying "The Book of Revelations is all about God revealing himself to Jesus", that way you make two points easily and you don't go off down a long tangent that doesn't really add anything to the article.

My only other point would be that if you are going to start involving the reader, as you do late in the article, you should consider using the {{Username}} template to make it a bit more personal. If you are going to follow this idea then take a look at this article which uses the above template to excellent effect. Overall your humour isn't too bad just confused and in need of a bit more work, there were parts of it that I thought were pretty good, you just need to work on the rest.

Concept: 4 OK, your concept is fine but your execution is the problem, to solve this problem we need to examine your tone. You need to decide on a tone for your article before you start writing, decide whether you want to write from the informal first person or from the formal third person. To provide a bit more of an explanation Wikipedia articles use the third person and the article I referred you to in the last section uses the first person. I have already suggested to you that you try this style, but the decision is yours either way. Whichever you choose try to be consistent throughout and avoid mixing tones, your article currently has this problem at the very start. It is unclear which tone you are using and it only becomes obvious later. Your task here is to sort this out, my recommendation would be to first read through the article with HTBFANJS and get rid of anything you feel isn't the best it can be, then go through again and adapt all the text to fit your chosen tone.
Prose and formatting: 6 Your prose are reasonable, though I would recommend that you proofread carefully while making changes as there were a couple of difficulties that I noticed in my first read through. I understand that you may not see proofreading work that you have spent hours doing as a good time, if this is the case then the proofreading service is here to help you and you can enlist their aid at any time and as much as you like.Your formatting does need some work too, if you take a look at the article, the reader's first glimpse of it is a long block of slightly untidy looking text with no picture in evidence, this can be enough to turn some uncyclopedians off reading the article altogether. To remedy this simply break up the text at the start of the article and add in an image. On the formatting side of your images, you need more an article should, as a rule have a minimum of two images, so consider that when working on this. A brief note for when you do add more images, don't put them one on top of the other or directly opposite each other on the page, space them out so there is some space between them.
Images: 6 You have an image at the moment and it is absolutely fine, the problem, as I stated above is that you need more. When you are choosing images you can steal images from a related article on Wikipedia, or you can Google for them, but try to look for an image that compliments the article and that can be made funny on it's own. This brings me onto captions for images, you shouldn't underestimate the importance of captions to an image, they can stop a hilarious image being amusing or they can make a relatively bland image excellent, so don't be afraid to spend a while choosing images and captions as they are very important.
Miscellaneous: 5 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 26 Your article has a lot of potential, but needs a bit more work to get it there. I know this review focuses on the problems with your article, but that is only to help you identify problems yourself. You demonstrate some real ability to write so I would strongly encourage you to keep working at this one, try to take some of my points on board and don't be afraid of asking for help if you need it. You can contact me on my talk page if you have any questions or comments and I will be happy to help out. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 13:22, November 4, 2009 (UTC)
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