Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Alien abduction insurance

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Revision as of 08:54, August 11, 2009 by ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs)

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edit Alien abduction insurance

I saw this one at the top of the requested articles so figured I would give it a shot. It's pretty different to the writing style I've been using up till now so I want to see if I'm messing it up horribly or if it is actually okay. Sequence 13:22, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

I'm here! --ChiefjusticeDS 21:17, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Right, the jokes in your article are of a reasonable standard but you are having a couple of problems. The first of these problems is that your humour is a bit thin on the ground in general. Take a look back and you will see that besides the joke that this is a stupid thing to buy insurance for you don't have much else. You are trying to pitch the idea that the reader is an idiot, but you only imply this very vaguely and instead focus on what the insurance agent has to say. I think that if you have the insurance agent as the intellectual superior here, who talks down to the reader you would be much better off. The joke that they are from the country and thus stupid enough to believe in aliens enough to sign up for insurance against it is OK, but doesn't really come off in the way I suspect you wanted (more on this below). I think the best way for you to write this one is by implying that the reader is an idiot throughout, you can still stick to the same style but work with it in a new way. For example: "Taking out this policy should be simple, just like it was when I sold you the Giant Cockroach invasion and Asteroid impact insurance last week! Oh yes I was saying to all the guys at the office 'That <insert name here>, now there is a person with their priorities in order, I mean most people don't even think about a meteor hitting the earth let alone be stupid, I mean, smart enough to take out insurance for it.'" While that may not be the apex of comedy the point stands regardless, try a new slant to your current style that will have more comedic impact upon the reader.
Concept: 6 You do have a good concept, but what I do think needs fixing is your tone. Mainly the use of a type of dialect by the insurance agent, it appears to switch on and off throughout the article and this needs fixing. As a first time reader of the article I was just confused when you started using it in the preamble, I figured it must have been an accident, albeit one that happened twice, and I only really figured out what you were doing when I arrived at "The solution" section where it becomes a part of the writing rather than an optional extra. Perhaps I am being thicker than the offspring of a village idiot and a Miss America winner but if it confused me the chances are it will other people. To sort this out you need to either get rid of the style or figure out a new way to carry it off. I don't mean to sound like I'm damning your article because I'm not, what I am doing is trying to encourage you to sort out an article which is pretty good already and has the potential to be even better.
Prose and formatting: 8 Your spelling and grammar is fine and your prose flow pretty well. I would recommend that you proofread carefully after any edits you make to the article. Your own spelling and grammar seems solid enough that you can do so yourself with very few difficulties, though The Uncyclopedia Proofreading Service is on hand should you be feeling particularly lazy. Your formatting is fine in general, though I would caution against reducing the size of the text for the "Terms and Conditions" section. While the joke is apparent I think you would be better writing the text full size and putting in a note saying that the text has been magnified however many times, I only raise this issue because you should always avoid sacrificing readability and accessibility for humour.
Images: 9 Your images are generally fine though you should consider them carefully when you make any edits. For the image of the insurance agent, you should try to include more references to him in the text if he is important enough to have his own image. Currently the image feels slightly redundant as the main focus of the article is on the reader and the insurance he/she is buying, try to sort this out if you can. The idea that sprung to the forefront of my mind was to take an image of someone looking particularly idiotic and caption it with something like "Hello sir, would you like to buy some insurance?".
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article
Final Score: 36 You have a pretty decent article here that just needs some changes to set it on the road to happiness and joy. Feel free to contact me on my talk page with any comments, suggestions, queries, qualms and anything else. Good luck editing.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 08:53, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
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