Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Afterlife

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edit Afterlife

Sir Padddy5 CUN VFH 12:08, June 6, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 5 This entire thing is a mass of contradictions, destruction of preconceptions, misery and despair... except how could one despair without a mind to do so? Some of them are great, some not so much.

Specifics in no particular order:

  • Such a nice reward. But what more could anyone want?
  • Repetition of the endless black void - I'd call this one of those times that repetition works, especially since the void is actually just a joke. But perhaps the prankster takes it too far - if the dead guy actually thinks about it, why would there even be a greeter in an endless black void? The sighing and the nothing and the time contradict with the eternity of endless void, as well. Perhaps if the lines started to get further apart with each sigh until all there is is nothing, but then take away some of the nothing after that. There really is too much black. Too much scrolling.
  • I spy with my little eye - ironic, considering how there are no eyes here. But the yes, that's right... was good.
  • Linking to this - bit of a letdown, as the this article is a bit... well, of a letdown. It kind of fits the context as you said a 'crappy Uncyclopedia article', but I was more expecting something along the lines of a more normal one or something about Uncyclopedia itself.
  • <sigh> - no lungs, either... you could mention that, too, or not.
  • Just kidding - if a person actually bothers to scroll down to that, it makes the entire thing.
  • 'Two minutes' - Yet it was previously established that time is unknown here...
  • 'Fuck it' 'shit', etc - Perhaps that is just me, but given the situation that seems a little harsh of language... doesn't really fit. This is a void, greeted by some sort of heavenly whatnot, not the streets of Manhatten. On the other hand, the thing about the annoying brick suggests some sort of experience with it, which is either even more out of place or justifying the voice's lewd manner as just a random recent other.
  • 'LOLS!' Again, this just doesn't fit - this may be a practical joked entry to heaven, but one thing it certainly isn't is an internet chatroom. Well... in context, anyway.
  • Just kidding - if a person actually bothers to scroll down to that, it makes the entire thing.
Concept: 6 Eh, wouldn't that be fun, newly dead, getting a prank like this... especially for them folks who didn't even realise they had died, major case of 'wait, what'?

Eh, but most of my comments for this ended up in the other categories.

Prose and formatting: 3 Well, as a written mass, it's pretty decent - it flows fairly well, there is logical progression between the ideas, the over-arching point of the thing stays consistent, the voicing is mostly consistent to the characters... but it has no sections! No sections, headings, images, nothing but a pile of text, the likes of which could easily scare off a reader.

Instead of having many larger and smaller line breaks, breaking it up into sections would help with readability and organisation in general, and it would probably open up logical places to insert thumb images, even if they are only more black. Or possibly a ghostly outline of a PSP... or something.

Specific nitpicks:

  • emotes as html tags - it's just bad hypertext practice. While in a wiki environment they apparently do render, it's not exactly safe... it's also a much less usual way to do emotes. Perhaps use the character code if you want < or use [ or : or * as they might would work better being more common. (Although they might require a nowiki tag to render)
  • Too much black space... I'll say it again. Too much scrolling; it was a right pain to get to the end.
Images: 2 Ah, the images... all two. They do fit with the endless black void joke (and make it, at that), but on the other hand, their implementation is less than good practice. You are assuming fairly specific monitor or web browser resolution and that is just not the case, especially on a dynamic-width site such as most of the wiki skins render. Not only that, but the black one should be unnecessary in the first place given that you already set the background colour as black. Using line breaks would not only take away part of the problem that if it happens to be wider than the reader's browser they have to scroll right for the text, it would also mean loading one less image, which in general is just better. Somehow.

The other image is also stretched to large, so even if you did remove the first one, the too wide problem would remain for those with smaller screens. On the other hand, placed to the left as it is, it looks a mite strange on a larger screen. I would suggest centering it and removing the width parameter from the template altogether - that way it would still fit and just hover at the center along with the 'just kidding' line.

What it could use, perhaps, is either ditch the custom formatting altogether, as it makes it hard to read - large white text on black with the dark links is mostly just annoying, or fix it up so that the entire page follows the formatting. Make the text normal sized, make the links logical colours to fit the scheme, and maintain it through the entire thing. This would take quite a bit of work, but it has been done before. (I'd link one I'm thinking of, but I honestly cannot remember what it was called; it was something about a theater)

If you ditch the blackness of the entire article, though, you could put in some entirely black floating thumb images and add funny captions and the like and it would probably keep the black part of the endless void in mind.

Miscellaneous: 4 Random number! I mean... number pulled out of the thingy.
Final Score: 20 So... have a pile of insults and suggestions and hopefully some help? *shifty eyes*
Reviewer: ~ Lyrithya sig daji Lyrithya *shifty eyes* (words) (actions) -- 20100615 - 19:52 (UTC)

What my death article originally was.Sir Padddy5 CUN VFH 12:08, June 6, 2010 (UTC)

I'ma review this! Or try to. Don't hurt me. ~ Lyrithya sig daji Lyrithya *shifty eyes* (words) (actions) -- 20100615 - 18:39 (UTC)

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