Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Achmed the Dead Terrorist

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edit Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Zwind 21:37, May 17, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 2 ...It's a stub. What you need is more jokes, and to improve on the ones you have. Expansion, expansion, expansion. In-depth:
  • Lede:...Needs jokes, to be blunt. Your problem is the fact that this is either all factual, or the jokes fall short. You can keep the content, but expand it for some humor. For example "Achmed the dead terrorist works hard to bomb properly, but dies every time. This is most likely because blah blah blah." It's your job to figure out what to put there. However, a word of warning: do not say anything like "his penis is too small" or repeat jokes directly from the show. This is a common mistake among many new users. Try to use satire in this case- there is quite a bit of satire potential. OK, now about what you have: "Which is Friday for those infiedels." is the only joke I see. It could of worked. See P+F.
  • Early Life: Er, I see potential. There are jokes here, but they are marred by many problems. First, see P+F. Done? OK. On the thing about "sexual assault" - you should expand on that. It has much more potential then just a simple one-liner. You have a chance for satire on Muslims. Also, you said "But no one really cares." Ah, this is bad. When writing, try to focus more on the jokes, and less on what the people outside think. This really breaks up the tone. The same thing applies to the stuff about Jews. Why does he hate them? Did something happen? This is where you can put the core of your humor- make the event and what happens afterward funny. You have a chance to satirize Jews and Muslims here- how will you? Well, make the event extreme, or totally pointless. For example "Achmed hates Jews because a Jewish person worked at a bank that stole his money." That sucks, don't use it. But you get the idea. Again with Bin Laden; how did he meet Bin Laden? Why? Make it ironic- satirize Osama, or you could even satirize Achmed himself.
  • Terrorist Training: For the first sentence, get a different type of expansion. What did Osama do as a parental figure? Another chance to satirize Osama here. Also, later, you use jokes from Jeff Dunham. Well, to be blunt, Uncyclopedia isn't standup. The jokes lose their punch when they're used- try to come up with your own style, and work with it. You can steal some of what he says, but don't just use his jokes to sustain the article.
  • The detonation: Meh, there seems to be overuse of Jeff Dunham here. The whole paragraph is taken. While it was just "Not really funny" before, it becomes kind of annoying here. I think a better idea would be satirize his intelligence, how clumsy he was to blow himself up, etc. I think that would work better than what you have now. Also, P+F. Again.
Concept: 3 You get a 3 for potential. The problem is that yo don't take advantage and execute it well. Advice for here is elsewhere.
Prose and formatting: 1.5 Oh gosh, this is kind of bad. Grammar, formatting, etc.
  • Formatting: Er, this is an issue. First, you're creating your headers incorrectly. Here's how you do it: ==Insert text here== Then, put everything you want under that header. Second, the article is too small. See expansion advice in humor. Third, without pictures, this appears far from complete. See image advice. Finally, you have no links. This may be marked as a deadend. If it is, it will be deleted in 30 days. To add a link, just put [[insert what text you want to link here]]. Make sure that you don't create red links, though, which are created when you link to an article that doesn't exist. These are really ugly. To avoid them, press the preview button and remove all links that aren't blue by taking the [[ away from their sides. Now, prose:
  • Spelling errors: I put the incorrect spelling, an equal sign, and then the correct ones.
  • Infiedel= infidel.
  • Unkown= Unknown
  • Muslim and Jews are names of religions/religious groups and should be capitalized.
  • Hatered= Hatred
  • Fuelled= Fueled
  • Scholarship doesn't need to be capitalized.
  • Saddly= Sadly
  • Achmend= Achmed
  • detination= detonation
  • U= You
  • Verizon should be capitalized, it's the name of a company.
  • Didnt= Didn't
  • prius= Prius
  • O= Oh
  • As for grammar and prose, I wrote your paragraphs with better prose and grammar below. I capitalized the mistakes, except for things like commas or capitalization errors. The prose sounds unprofessional, and this is an issue. This is supposed to be encyclopedic, remember. In the future, try to maintain a professional demeanor.
  • Lede:Achmed the Dead Terrorist was born a long, long time ago in a country far, far away. HE WAS FROM Iraq, Iran or Afghanistan, or some other Southwest Asian country. It is not KNOWN what exact year he was born, BUT it is known he was born on Yawm al-Jumu'a, which is Friday to infidels. He is currently traveling with Jeff Dunham, plotting what he will do next.
  • Early Life:He was born to Safa Nafud. It is unknown whom his father is, because in Muslim cultures it is okay TO rape or TO COMMIT any OTHER type of sexual assault. (Note: Removed a sentence I disliked; see humor. ) When he was just a young boy, he learned of his hatred for Jews. Fueled by this hate, he tried to destroy all of them, BUT FAILED. He then MET Osama Bin Laden.
  • Terrorist Training: With Bin Laden as his parental figure, he got a scholarship to attend suicide bomber training camp. After his EARLY years he thought he was ready, he just NEEDED more time to study. Sadly, the camp was destroyed. MANY PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW what happened. However, Achmed knows. He said “The idiot tried to practice!” He THEN said the best thing to think ABOUT AS a suicide bomber IN training is “Location, location, location.”
  • The detonation: It is sad to say, BUT Achmed had a premature detonation. YOU guys know how that feels. He set the timer for 30 minutes, but, sadly, it went off when he answered his cell phone. He was lucky though, BECAUSE he took that Verizon bastard with him. He did say that when he died THAT he DIDN’T see a white light, but a blue Prius. OH well.
Images: 0 No images, so this is kind of a "duh" score. My recommendation for images are photoshops. All you need to do is photoshop a picture of Achmed, Osama, a Jew, etc. Or, you could use a normal image and include a really great caption. Either one could work. For example, you could create a picture of Achmed exploding with the phone, and the caption "God dammit." And, make sure when you expand the article and add images, you add the proper amount and use the proper size. Too many big images gives you no space for anything else. Too little images or images that are too small will make the article look like a wall of text.
Miscellaneous: 3.5 How I feel about this right now. I actually bumped it up so you'll make a ten for a final score.
Final Score: 10 This article has potential, but it isn't working up to it yet. The nost specific problems:
  • Improve your prose, spelling, and grammar.
  • Get some pictures.
  • Expand!
  • Don't steal all of your jokes from Jeff Dunham; try to find your own style of humor.

Sound like a lot of work? Well, it will be. But articles are hard work. And if you work hard on them, they'll shine and give the reader a laugh.

Reviewer: --Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Tuesday, 03:21, May 18 2010 UTC
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