Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Achmed The Dead Terrorist

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edit Achmed the Dead Terrorist

AchmedTheDeadTerrorist 21:13, August 21, 2010 (UTC)

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

This is mine! --Some Idiot Image002 02:20, August 22, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 5 In this section, I'm going to give you some basic stuff to improve the general humor quality of your article, as well how to expand on what you have already. Each section gets a dot point. Here we go...
  • Introduction: I don't think this overly great. It's a bit rushed, a bit random. First you say he's a terrorist, then you say he's a puppet, and you hardly mention his puppetry side again. It's damn confusing. You've got to slow down here and think about what you want to say. So, he's a terrorist - but do you want to make it look as if he is a puppet, or a person? I like the idea of thinking that he is going to get all those virgins, but this is still executed to fast. An introduction needs to catch the reader, so it has to be just as good as your article, and can't confuse the reader or they will just abandon the article and read no more. You just need to slow this part down.
  • Origins: There are quite a few good parts in here but I think you've haven't used the idea of his childhood to it's full potential. I find there is HEAPS of potential here, you've just got to milk it out properly. Check out the 'Childhood' section in this article. The writer has played on the fact that Amerigo named everything after himself, and the fact that he drew maps, to create a really funny paragraph. You've got to use your character's characteristics to your advantage - and you've got some really good characteristics: Achmed's a terrorist, and he's also a puppet. How can you incorporate this into his early life? Once again, I feel this section is a little random and rushed. Keep your good parts and slow them down, try to really say everything clearly.
  • Plotting in America: This is really good, but some bad spelling and grammar has hurt the humor in this. I also think you can build on each section (twin towers, campaign, rapper) and give them each a sub-section. What were the repercussions of Osama ruining his plan? How well did his rapping sales go?
  • Recent Times: The idea here is good, but is executed not so well. The way you've written it needs to be fixed up. I also think you can build on this section much more.

Your article has an average amount of humor, but there is heaps of space to improve it and make it funnier. The fact that he is a terrorist and a puppet can be used to your advantage to make some very funny stuff, just like I detailed above. His schemes in the second section could easily be expanded, and more could be added.

I think you may want to include a Youtube video of Achmed, as many people would be a bit confused by who he is. And seeming as his videos are damn funny (I love them myself) it will add some more humor into your article.

Why don't you add some quotes? Maybe one from Bin Laden, another puppet (maybe from Sesame street), who knows. You could definitely add some great quotes, and a good quote is always a gem.

Concept: 7 You have a great concept but there is definitely room to expand and use this concept better. Most of that stuff I have detailed in the humor section.
Prose and formatting: 5 This section is average for your article. Not bad, but not exactly the best. These are your main problems...
  • As I've already said, your style of prose is a bit rushed in places and deals the humor damage that has hurt it badly (sorry for the terrorist pun). I've sorted out most of this in the humor section.
  • There are a number of spelling mistakes here. I highly recommend adding the {{Proofread}} tag to your article, or copying it to Microsoft Word and doing a spellcheck.
  • Links. I think you need a few more near the end. Links are really important to any article.
  • You may want to resize your images a little so they are around the same size.
  • At the moment your images are packed together. If you make this article longer you will be able to spread out your images around your article.
  • The start of the article (with the Satan temp and Adolf Hitler) doesn't look particularly nice. Delete either one of the Devil or Hitler things.
Images: 5 Your images are... ok. I feel you could get some better ones, but I think you need some real work on the captions, which are rather average. Oh, and on the last picture, I don't understand 'See what I mean?' What do you mean? Unless you have it in exactly the right spot, this doesn't work.
Miscellaneous: 5.5 Averaged your scores.
Final Score: 27.5 You've got the basis here for a great article. Right now it's not the funniest thing ever, but with certain improvements, and if you build up the article, this score of 27.5 could easily go up to something great. At the moment this article is also quite short, so you've got to try and make an effort to beef it up a bit, as a longer article is always better than a stub. I hope I helped!
Reviewer: --Some Idiot Image002 08:23, August 22, 2010 (UTC)
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