Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Abraham Lincoln
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i'd like to improve on this before taking it to the disappointment machine. feel free to leave drive-by comments. 22:53, October 30, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 11:36, October 31, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||The humour is very good, you have a good grasp of what you want to do with it and for most of the article you write intelligently and engagingly. The problems I did identify were relatively minor, but still important if you want to take the article to VFH. The first thing I noticed was that while the random humour is fine and the wrestling comments are excellent, you should be aware of going too far with this. I think that while a degree of this is good, you shouldn't go into it too much. At one point you start talking about Lincoln's rise through the ranks of a national wrestling group, when I read this I thought the article was worse off for it. I had really been enjoying a satire of his early life with some ridiculous aspects, but this seemed more like some made up stuff and which lost what made the article so enjoyable for me in the first place. My advice for fixing this would be to try to read up on Lincoln's actual early life, it is reasonably eventful and can easily be adapted to fit your article, the only reason I think it would be better than what is there now is because it would stay consistent and would feel much more like a parody of an encyclopaedia article.
My only other point on your humour would be to make sure the parts where you draw on history are accurate. Now I realise that most people who frequent uncyclopedia are just going to say nobody cares if the history is completely correct, but for some people small discrepancies will ruin the article. So try not to suggest he came to power on an anti-slavery platform, trust me, I know it might seem like nothing but I know people who would bore you into a state approaching rigor mortis if they read that. Other than that point just make sure that events have the correct dating, especially in the civil war. But I'm done nitpicking now.
|Concept:||9||I had to work hard to find anything to criticise on this, your tone is pretty consistent but you need to make sure it stays that way. The most notable instances of the tone slipping slightly are when you stray from the history or just intermittently, and occasionally informal words slip in. Remember that you are parodying an encyclopaedia article so you should try your best to avoid being colloquial. Essential points are: Avoid referring to Lincoln as Abe unless you are quoting someone, try not to use slang "Street-cred" in your regular dialogue, work to differentiate it from the rest of your text, also try to avoid offering opinions unless the opinion is evident; what I mean by this is that terms like "Abraham refused to undertake the grueling Oregon Trail with his family" are fine but "Hideously long arms" is less so. I know this is a small problem but it does deal a bit of a blow to your professional tone, this is part of why it is so noticeable because the rest of your tone is immaculate. I would urge you to try and fix this, as it may seem small but it is good practice.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||Your prose are fine and your spelling and grammar only requires another quick check for any typos or badly formed sentences that may have slipped in. The main problem that I found is that the text feels very bulky at times, and when I looked over the article for the first time I felt myself groaning as I saw the huge bulks of text, remember that Uncyclopedians hate big bulky prose sections. So my advice would be to just break it down a bit. You don't have to cut bits out because that would set the article back, you just have to do some creative paragraphing so that when someone looks at the page, they aren't overwhelmed by the prose. Your formatting is otherwise OK. Though I would like to make a suggestion. Did you consider using an info box? I think it would make the page feel more like an actual encyclopaedia article, and it could even be a feature for humour if you use the superhero info box. I leave this up to you, it being your article.|
|Images:||10||Your images are excellent and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. The captions are worth a laugh on their own and, combined with the pictures got several laughs from me, well done. Just bear in mind the info box suggestion and which image would be best for that should you decide to implement it.|
|Miscellaneous:||9||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||45||You have an excellent article here, as partly evidenced by it's PLS success. My points are, for the most part all cosmetic changes that, I feel,would enhance the article's readability, and would stop nerd rage on history. I would say that this article would meet with a fair amount of success on VFH in it's current form, my suggestions are all mostly to make success more likely through tidying up and minor changes to the substance of the article. If you have any comments or questions please place them on my talk page. Good luck with any changes and very well done.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 16:57, October 31, 2009 (UTC)|