Just a little something I tossed off recently in the Caribbean
Geoffprickett 17:28, 25 September 2008 (UTC)
While most of the humor (the naughty bits) in this one has been done several times over, I still managed a get a few laughs from it. We're all twelve, no matter what age. The other stuff - the wind tunnel was the best joke in my opinion - is better. The Jo Jo thingy appeared in the Simpsons as Joey Jo Jo something - but it doesn't matter much, it's funny anyway. Somebody ending up severely dead is a good one - I've seen that one too, or something like it, but what haven't I seen? It's probably been in some humorous quote book or so. How about "she continued to dance for several years more, although she never knew it"? "Horse raping" didn't make me laugh - but I admit - gnashing my teeth - that it's a matter of taste. I would do this bit differently: "The open audition method" of sleeping with various BBC employees. Not sure which is better - but you could check the whole piece for better wording, leaving out some (sort of) repetitive jokes and so on. I'm not too sure of this but it's a thought: since you use the naughty bits method, you'll need to use it in some kind of (probably accelerating) rhythm. If they come in series like slap, slap, slap, they lose their punch.
The concept is sort of funny all by itself. Maybe the whole piece would be better if you let the concept carry the day and save the naughty bits for special spots: build it up a bit, for instance something like this: Start to write about a certain famous performance by the group, going into great detail, using ballet terms, and after (almost) torturing the reader with such a painstaking depiction, throw in "a special move which professionals call the fellatio", or something better. You'd have to get to the naughty bits only after the middle of the article for this to work. After the first one, you can then let it deteriorate rapidly into a mess. I know this is an often-used technique as well - but still. The first part of the article would work well all sober, or with lighter jokes such as the wind tunnel one. You could also tell some story about a particular band, the agreement to dance their music, and about the bickering around the steps that ensued.Something like this would flesh the story out a bit, underline the concept instead of the naughty bits (they are always visible) and prepare for something else. Maybe.
Prose and formatting:
Nothing severely wrong with the prose, as far as I could see. A few typos. Some sentences could be improved. Goes down smoothly enough. I'm not a nitpicker about length, formatting and such - if it's easy enough to read and the point comes across, it's a bit fancypants to complain.
The wind tunnel, once again, is good. The others might have been funnier. How about a bit about their methods - a series of step charts with something funny to top it off - an outline of a body and some blood like in detective films?
Not many actual complaints, which is a lot. I gave this 8 to balance out the humor score since it's a matter of taste anyway.
I can see this ending up as a good article if you rework it. Is there an additional angle you could use?. For something "just tossed off" this is quite OK. Note that I just give you all ideas that come to mind - they're not all necessarily good but you can maybe work something out of them to improve the article.