Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/A Note from your Killer

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edit A Note from your Killer

Eh, I wrote this last night. I finished it up this afternoon. Try not to be to hard on it, I haven't written an article for a while.

Attempt to Enjoy.

Kglee 19:58, 14 October 2008 (UTC)

I'll review this, enjoy Noel for now. — Sir Sycamore (talk) 20:00, 14 October 2008 (UTC)
A Free Coupon
For a bumming session with Noel Fielding
Well..., anytime now... (Sorry for Impatience) --Kglee 22:04, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
What do you mean, "try not to be too hard on it"? It's an article, not a fanfic. If it's not up to par then it shouldn't be on here. Anyway, I think that the italics are a little too much. It makes me not want to read it. I'm sure I'm not speaking for just myself. Cut down on that. Other than that, it's creative, and fine, I guess. I'm sure it would even be hilarious to a few people. ~ // Lunaquois 22:11, 15 October 2008 (UTC)
Humour: 6.95 Strong stuff here, VFH material. The prose could be sharper and more sinister; it seems over jokey at the moment which makes it less funny than it could be.
  • 1st section: Well written, I think a killer would not call his Victim "Victim", maybe something more cringe worthy and evil sounding like "My Love" or "Thank you for inviting me" etc. Nice use of *chuckles* - a strong start, has a good pace - noting her I would advise changing drastically.
  • 2nd section: Seems too short - that insane isn't quite right, maybe have some personal basis, reach out to the reader more if you know what I mean - scary and funny go well together. Would probably merge this with the below section, seems to break the pace a little having such a short section.
  • 3rd section: Nooo! "(Because, let's face it, there had to be at least one in-joke in this article!)" - this kind of self referential kills the situation which you've built up - having an in-joke is fine, but maybe just the link , readers can infer the tokenism there. Nice use of subsection and creates the mood well; the writing here is good and flows, you've drawn your readers in = good stuff here, this is your strongest section.
  • 4th section: Again a little short, merging this may prove difficult, still itmight be soething to consider good again strong work here - little to comaplin about, more meme mention of the FSM, I'm not sure abot usig injokes - or referenceing them a lot - this owver does not seem to to dtract form the article. Terms like "or whatever" are a little off, this is probably a British foible though.
  • 5th section: Much the same, nothing major to report here, somehow there’s a lack of fluency here, I suggest merging the above section with this one is some way - is seems to lose a little momentum here - this is probably because the development has not really moved from the second section other than time) - maybe a cryptic account of the killer whist not losing the subtly would work well here.
  • 6th section: Weak - you've drawn the reader in, this is a let down, the big image at the bottom is a bit off looking to me - an anti climax would work well here, i.e. maybe have to be continued type of this going, does <insert name here> bit the dust> or does he overcome the killer? I think leaving this up I the air would improve the article greatly - also the backspace form the killer here make the article lose its intensity.
Concept: 7 Great idea, and a decent execution, not complaints here, I think a bit of honing and sharpening would not be a bad Idea, I would alter the conclusion an some f the formatting. I have no major issues with this, I feel it works well - I personally would vote for it on VFH (after a few adjustments) - I think others would as well, it’s a good idea done well.
Prose and formatting: 6 I discussed some merging and some in joke reduction previously, I’ll do so again now - other things were the merging of the first section and the third and fourth sections. This is a major gripe I have is the conclusion, I dislike the large image at the end and a weak conclusion - you build up the right kind of tension, keep taking the Viagra throughout will improve the article and not cause a sudden deflation at the end. There were a few spelling errors, I fixed the ones I could see, but maybe have it checked over be amore reliable source. I don't usually like the username template, good use here though, and through a good prose and formatting is present.
Images: 6 Good, The aforementioned last one, they all fit well and the captions work well also and act well into a cohesive whole - good stuff here, I would not change this.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Good stuff, I would change the end and make a few adjustments - otherwise this is a very good article - no major complaints.
Final Score: 32.45 I hope I was helpful - I do often take a little longer to review as I'm often attending other matters on the site or in the meatspace, I hope there was no major inconvenience. Should you have any questions/queries do not hesitate to leave a note on my talkpage:)
Reviewer: --Sycamore (Talk) 20:43, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

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