Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/A Bull's Life- A story of racism, prejudice and perseverance(2nd Review)

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edit A Bull's Life- A story of racism, prejudice and perseverance

Just need another look through on this article with some suggestions. Would help me see what else this article needs. Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 23:09, May 30, 2011 (UTC)

This has been here forever. Jackofspades (talk) 02:57, 2 July 2011
Humour: 8 Bulls don't normally talk? Boy am I in trouble.

There isn't a lot I can say about the humor as it's good and you know what you're doing in this article. However, you seem to trail off with the humor as the article goes on. You start out strong with at least a couple jokes per section, but after the first "the wife" section you start to get more and more sparse with the jokes. There are a couple places that are pretty funny, but they aren't really jokes, more references to the fact that he was a bull. I was expecting more jokes as the fact that he was a talking bull persecuted for being a bull was already played up. By the end of the article I can see some people being like "we get it already." I still thought it was good, but it might get dull for some people. Right now the image captions really outshine the actual article part of the article.

There are a couple places where I think the humor gets drawn out too far. The parts I'm talking about are when the characters "get forced" to explain the joke. The first one is in "the mother" section in which the mother goes on for far too long explaining the whole "married a bull" thing. I think the whole part where she says "...please don't make me have to say it. Fine, my great-great grandmother married a bull. Get it now? Good...you jackass" could be cut out and replaced with something more like "...wow, I guess they don't teach sex ed as well as they used to" or even nothing. The second instance of this isn't quiet as bad. It's when John starts talking about humans calling each other the n-word. The "(oh, wait)" can be taken out completely as it just detracts from the rest of the article.

In the same section as above, the "(oh wait)" part, you reference "dude" being a term for a castrated bull which isn't true, to my knowledge. (Or dictionary.com's) I think the word you were looking for was "steer" which doesn't really make sense so I guess I can overlook the mix-up, but I think it detracts from the humor especially since it's not true. If you want to keep that in I think it would be ok though as nothing else works as well, obviously.

Other than what I've said already the article is really good. The only thing I have left to say is that you seem to repeat a lot of the same jokes that you have. You mention the fact that he loves china a lot in the article even though it's one of the last things that you mention in the article. I think it's good that you don't mention it for the Spain part, and bring it back afterward, but you do mention it a lot before then. I think you could throw in some mention about how difficult it was to do other things like play softball or chess or go on the internet etc. Obviously John wouldn't want to do something that he continually gets harassed for, so china probably wouldn't be his first passion. As long as you work on not repeating jokes as much I'm sure I'll be fine with whatever you come up with.

Concept: 7 I do like the concept, a bull born to human parents is a pretty great idea, but I think the execution is lacking a bit. Like I said above you tend to repeat the jokes that you have, and you are a bit lacking on the jokes toward the end. There isn't anything that I can really pinpoint at this point, but this article is a little lackluster right now. It could be the formatting and the fact that there aren't really many straight up jokes in the article, but there's that one thing this article is missing that I can't really put into words. I think there is going to be enough in the next two sections to fix that you can ignore my extremely vague concept analysis.
Prose and formatting: 6.5 There are a lot of places where the prose is a little bit awkward, so I would recommend reading this out loud to yourself in order to flatten out some of the parts where it is a bit off. The formatting is odd as well since the pictures are so small in this article and you don't have very many linebreaks in the sections. There are quite a few paragraphs that go on for a long time before having a linebreak and some don't even have any before the end of the section. For example, the first "the wife" section doesn't have any linebreaks in it, and it is quite long. Even if there isn't a very good place to have a break I think you could split that paragraph up just so it doesn't look like one giant block of text. Along with that, you don't have any links in this article. I don't think you've completely finished it yet, so I'll let that slide, but it really makes the article look monotone with no links as there isn't that comforting blue color on some of the words.

One big thing that bothers me about this article is that there isn't much of a distinctive difference between the speakers. A lot of my articles deal with multiple speakers and I know that they're pretty difficult to pull off, but even making the speech patterns up a bit, or make at least one of them in a different accent so that it's easy to tell that it's a different person. Even having the little italic intro for the spanish bull was good as it provided a difference from the other sections that the reader hadn't seen yet. I'm not suggesting going all out like Why?:Categorise pages, but a little bit of a difference between each section would be awesome.

Images: 8.5 The pictures and the captions on those pictures are all great, the only thing that I would recommend it making the pictures bigger. Like, a lot bigger. I think every picture in this article could be made so much bigger. I think you could probably add more pictures too, if you can find ones that are as good as your current ones, but I can't tell all that well since the pictures are so small. I wouldn't change anything about the pictures other than the size unless you find something that is just so much better than what you already have.
Miscellaneous: 8 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 38 Great article but it's just missing that unexplainable bit that would make it a feature. Making the pictures bigger would really help.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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