Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/AFI (3rd and hopefully final review)
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Okay, I made changes again, fixed the admittedly long Table-of-Contents, and took some other advice that I believed would benefit the article. I do still have a separate section for each song, but I limited the amount of songs and stopped them from showing in the TOC. I removed most of the name dropping (except for Captain Planet, I'm keeping that). Anyways, I am hoping to have this article as close to perfected as possible soon, and I would like a final critique. Smokin' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 21:07, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
- Telling us not to complain about something is just asking for a complaint about it, just going to re-read it now. --—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 22:39, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
- hey, perhaps you may want to re-format your page, you know, its funny and creative, but I dont like its formatting. No offence. Just saying, it would be better if it is written in an encyclopedic style, for example:
- early days
- official discography
- (album3) etc
- (other information that couldnt be included in other sections)
|Humour:||6.82||Intro: 7/10 Not particularly funny, but not bad either. Seeing as it sets the tone for the rest of the article I wouldn’t change it at all.
What is an AFI?: 7.5/10 Although it’s a little bit listy it makes up for it with funny. The paragraph at the bottom seems to ramble on a little though, I would suggest trimming that down a little as there are a couple sentences that seem redundant or awkward (more details in P&F section)
The members: 7/10 Also listy and it also starts to get a little fancrufty as well. The bios on the band members seem to simply be what they did. Having a backstory for the members isn’t bad I just think that you should also say how they contribute to the music/killings now that they’re in the “band.” The Adam Arson subsection gets close to doing that, but doesn’t quite make it (although it’s still good) but the other members, except Hunter, seem to be just filling space. Most of the past band members bios are pretty funny. I would recommend changing the Captain Planet one, since it says he was with the band 4 years yet has no mention of what he did during that time. I would also recommend trimming the list a bit, although the only one that I would say you should take out entirely is Saduchi Vonswello as I don’t find it very funny. Trimming isn’t very important though so think of that as a secondary thing.
Start of the “band”: 2/5 This section seems to just repeat what we already know. “All of them were "moments away from murderous rampages"” They’re sadistic killers, aren’t they always “moments away from murderous rampages?” “intent to kill and rock out while doing it.” You’ve made it very clear that this is what AFI is doing. All that being said, a “band” formation section is a good idea. It’s just that it should be telling the reader new information instead of just telling us what we already know happened with 2 more details thrown in. I think this section should contain how the band was formed (check) and what happened immediately after (they all tried to kill a random person and found a new member, maybe?) or at least more details for how the band was formed and how they decided to also commit murder.
Albums: 7/10 I got quite a few chuckles out of this section, enough to keep me reading every word. There are a few too many “callbacks” though as there are multiple times when you accuse them of 1) killing people 2) killing season 3) being vampires 4) using spells as songs. 1 is fine as it’s obviously the point of the article. However, 2 and 4 had not been mentioned before the Album section and 3 had only been mentioned once. I think that the songs where you accuse them of killing seasons are fine, but the second spell song, Miseria Cantare, and the second vampire song, The killing lights, should have their descriptions changed as the first ones weren’t funny enough to warrant a sequel. Other than that everything was great.
Miss Murder: 7/10 Good way to end an article, however it’s not the end so I took a little off for that, as the Discography seems unnecessary, and the comment about their IQs seems like a good way to end the article. I can’t think of a way to improve this section other than that though. Even though it isn’t laugh out loud funny it is still funny.
|Concept:||8||Great concept, but I think that you repeated yourself in a few areas that could have been used to provide new information. For example, when you debunk the myth of Miss Murder being a girlfriend of a band member the only new information we get is the Adam Carson is gay, and by now I think most people are over the whole "ew, gay" stage so it isn't very funny. Instead you could have used that part of the article to explain how AFI doesn't have girlfriends because they are so dedicated to their "music" or how girls weren't attracted to them before they came out with Miss Murder.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I found three typos while reading the article and a ( missing a ). This leads me to believe that you haven't fully read over this article which I would recommend doing. In the section on AFI you have this "AFI doesn't even mean ANYTHING" as well as "An afi is a seldom used term for "One Who Kills Through Punk."" This seems contradictory as AFI means "One who kills through punk" if I read this correctly. Before that second quote you also have "An Afi is actually a real thing" which is redundant. If an Afi is "One who kills through punk" then yes, we understand that it is a real thing. That was the only section that I found awkward prose in though. Now for the formatting, I would recommend something to the tune of what Mahm00shA put above. The main reason I think you should change your format is to get the Miss Murder section at the very bottom so that can be the end of the article.|
|Images:||9||Good, related images with good captions. The only thing that I could think of is just having more of them.|
|Miscellaneous:||8.18||Overall score of this article|
|Final Score:||38||Your first priority should be rereading your article. There were enough typos and the like to warrant you going over it at least one more time. After that should come trimming some of the lists, and after that it should be good to go.|
|Reviewer:||(talk) 19:15, 10 May 2009 (UTC)|