Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/AFI (2nd review)

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edit AFI

I want to get a 2nd opinion. I changed some things after the last review, and I'm hoping to see how other people ) think of it now. I really think it is better now. --Smokin' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 16:07, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

okay, i'll take a look at this one.../me takes deep breath SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:20, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 3.4 average of humor sections.
  • before starting, i see that you built almost all of this article yourself. i must say, off the bat, that sometimes less is more. without having read a word of your article, i can say tht my most common advice will be 'be more concise'. there's no way anyone is going to read your whole article if it's going to take them forty minutes; you've got to contract it. that being said...
  • introduction: 4

okay, not a total loss, but you seem to wander even in this medium-sized paragraph. i don't get a sense of the direction that the article is going to take, and i'm not pulled in enough to want to read the rest of the article, which are your two main objectives with the intro. you mention their homocidal tendencies multiple times, but...it's not clear what this means. the list of songs is unnecessary, perhaps only mention one or two of their most popular. the quotes add nothing and can go. i did like the comment about bleed black, perhaps keep that and miss murder as the two examples of songs.

  • what is an AFI: 5

you surprised me with the ending to this section, as i thought it was quite good. the reason i was surprised is the low quality of the first part. this whole poll part really doesn't add much to the article, particularly with the insulting of the reader and the use of the username template. i would ditch this and stick with the second paragrpah, starting right at 'seldom used term', which is where it gets really good.

  • the members: 3

ok, the part about past members is rife with name-dropping and a little randomness, and can be dropped or must be improved significantly. try taking out the references to bush, gore, and other known figures who clearly have nothing to do with the band. the current members section seems to have promise if you're going for the theme of 'band of murderers', but you really haven't established that theme so it falls a little flat. more on that in the 'concept' section.

  • start of the band: 4

an okay premise, perhaps this should come earlier in the article. focus more on why the murderous rampages were happening and details like that. you could flesh out the concept of a band of killers playing bad music to have an alibi, only everyone thinks their music is great, and i think this is the place to do it.

  • the albums / official discography: 1

okay, this is the section of the article that needs to be trimmed the most. you just comment in one or two sentences about each song. the albums need to have their own separate article, or a subpage like AFI/I Heard a Voice. Otherwise they just take up waaaayyyy too much room in your article. the discography part was also listy. you can have a discography section, just try to put it into paragraph form and mention some of the band's major releases. i'm not saying this all needs to be burned, you have some good lines such as Most Murderous Melody at the 2006 Killy Awards, but much of it just seems like filler, particularly when you start to argue with yourself or use the username template.

  • ending: 2

i've lumped all the sections at the end into one header, becasue they all seem to be jumbled and out of place. you should concisely wrap up the article with possibly a hint of the band's future plans or possibly a section on their fans. the conversation, the see also, and the murder template all seems to be just distracting.

Concept: 6 5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody.

1/5 points for execution. you seem to have a solid idea somewhere waaay down there: something about AFI being a band but secretly being vicious murderers. you should establish that idea early on, in the introduction, and then find ways to make every part of the article relate to that theme. a bit of backstory and an explanation why are often a good starting point for fleshing out your concept.

Prose and formatting: 4 the prose wasn't all that bad, but the formatting was atrocious. you've got a lot of cutting to do, but this article is a generic listy, poorly formatted one. you've got very few actual paragraphs and the rest of your content is one- or two-liners, and as a consequence you have the longest table of contents i've ever seen. firstly, try __NOTOC__ for the table of contents. then you should definitely try to paragraphize the article for ease of reading. if you insist on having descriptions of each album, turn those into paragraph form. take all the redlinks out, they are unsightly.
Images: 3 you've got a lot of images. if you do indeed choose to cut back on your content, only keep enough to have about one on any screen at a time, if you scroll down. keeping images like the band together, the cartoon one, and an album cover seems like a good idea.
Miscellaneous: 4.1 averaged via magic
Final Score: 20.5 okay, i see this article going somewhere in the future, but you've got a lot of work to do. focus mainly on the trimming and the concept, and the rest should flush itself out. take a look at HTBFANJS, and take a look at it again. reading it over and over is how many of this site's best writers got so humor-y. if you need anything else don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. good luck.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:18, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
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