Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/9-11 according to a 5 year old
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- ME ME ME ME 07:58, September 13, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||This isn't exactly the kind of article I had in mind when I came to start reviewing again, but none the less I opted to do it. This article is somewhat bizarre and I guess this is beyond your control. I should do a sectionated review now, so lets get to that right now!
Introduction - You have captured the essence of a 5 year old instantly and manage to somehow keep this momentum going for a relatively lengthy article. But I ask the question if it, ehhhh? Funny? Well the question is it has one aspect it needs, the 5 year old styling of language. But the issue is its just simply recounting 9-11 as it actually was in an immature way. If you combined the satire of our 9/11 article, with this you might improve your humor to a great extent.
wer it all startd - This is well kind of short and needs expanding on greatly. The idea of its beginning makes up a great deal of the event, explain the lead up to the event in a funny and satirical way. Keep it to a relatively lengthy paragraph rather than a couple of lines.
the atack - As with the intro try and add a bit of satire rather than outright immaturity to make this bit funny. It is important. That you do this. As i suggest later on I think the stupid dog has o go as it is somewhat unrelated and visually disturbing to me. Poor Doggy :(
it wus teribl - This needs a little bit of padding out and should constitute a major section of your writing as the effect is one that still exists today and a huge issue as far as the scheme of things goes. Again adapt satire from 9/11 into this to help with humor and add the finishing touch. Also image highlighting how awful it was (although not to extreme) should be added.
thu deth uf osuma bin aladdin - Not related to the actual even. Delete this section in my opinion. But keep it if you wish, should you choose to expand on it in the ways described above.
'in cunclushon - Short, sweet and very nice. This does not need a great deal of work , unless you want to add a picture of happy smily 5 year old, who thinks he's a big boy.
That's about it really, work on it in the ways listed above and it will be a good way.
|Concept:||8||Ehhhh, I don't have a great deal of problems with the concept. You showed me 4 very important things in your article.
(1) You can write with a kinda original concept a reasonable article.
(2) You know your 9/11 facts and stuff.
(3) You can write like a 5 year old rather well.
(4) I can't count.
|Prose and formatting:||6||I do see a few strengths here and a weak weaknesses which I aim to help with here. First off I like |
Your general disrespect for the English language pleases me greatly. I just had to put that in.
Alright the main issue I have is that your article doesn't exactly fit together like a enjoy seeing articles fit together. Which is to say there is short paragraphs and images that are too large comparatively to the content. So I'd suggest trying to pad it out to help with the geneal look of your article, perhaps aiming for paragraphs of a good few lines rather than simply 1 or 2 which is mainly what they are now.
|Images:||4.5||Alright this article is in a serious lack of images that hold relevance. I love the first image, it captures the essence of a 5 year old drawing. It is relevant, clever and legible (well just enough). After that he have a medical emergency as far as images go!
I for one fail to see how the retarded dog is a good move, as it is random, and too random at that. We like satire and that sort of humor. Random humor is better at the Illogicopedia!
Now I'm basically gonna ask you think about adding more images (maybe 1 or 2) to a couple of the other sections purely for the sake of backing up what you have said and expanding it a little. This article has real potential, but a sad lack of content. Especially images!
|Miscellaneous:||5||My rating out of 10.|
|Final Score:||27.5||Undercooked and should be definitely put back in the oven. But I might loaf of brad that should be when it is done. Mmmmmm, Bread...|