||I've read both versions of the article and I've decided the first one is definitely better (that is the one at |
User:Optimuschris/Work_in_Progress). I'm therefore not going to review the alternative ending, however if you really do want the second ending reviewed, drop by my talkpage and I'll give you a brief paragraph or two of my thoguhts on it. Anyway, commence reviewing...
21st Century Nazis: Nice use of the image, it needs nothing more. Makes you smirk the first time you read it. Good.
Hello.: Once you've got over the funny idea of Nazis in the 21st century this paragraph doesn't score any laugh, smirks or smiles. It does, however, set everything up very nicely. "Apparently Hitler wasn't as popular as we had thought " - Ok, it scores one or two smiles, that's here. Very nice line, the word "apparently" makes it funny and is very well placed.
But you're still Nazis?: Now we start to get the funny rolling, this paragraph is good and very amusing. "Ever since the end of WWII we have been considered "evil" and "racist" and even sometimes "evil racists" " Illicited a laugh, the evil/racist and then evil racist thing is great! It's slightly random/weird butt funny. It's just a little thing, but definitely made me laugh. You then go on to talk about "a few bad apples in the past " which illicited a smirk. Nice, this understatement is, again, just a little thing but brightens the paragraph immeasurably. "We hope to one day make the Nazi Party synonymous with peace and prosperity; a symbol of a bright new future if you will. " - I guess it's the irony that got me that time, but again, very clever, but subtle, humour. The article is, so far, shaping up to be very good!
What about, you know, the Jews?: I read the title and wondered instantly how you were going to tackle this. There's a lot of humour you could get out of this, it just depends which angle you take. And you've definitely taken the right angle. "Recent polling data indicates that public support for genocide is undergoing a significant downtrend " - this is more subtle and understated humour and it's hilarious! Just you know, a downtrend... Very good and very sophisticated. "or even the French " - I see this is clearly meant to be funny but I don't really find it humorous, I'm afraid. If you want this article to be REALLY REALLY Really Good you need to swap all the OK and almost funny jokes for actual funny ones. Maybe you could think up some group of people to replace the French that would really get you laughing? I don't know...tricky one... "there's a strong feeling of guilt within a signicant portion of the Party " - More of that understated humour, produced a grin, this one. The issue of the holocaust is being treated like just another company incident, a product was mislabelled, the ad (commercial) misguided buyers, it's a very funny way of doing it. I like this "polished up" new image the Nazis are going for! Great work! "Certainly the events of WWII have been blown out of proportion " And just as I praise you for that I stumble across this! VERY good! He he, I'm really enjoying this article, with its great style of humour. So far I haven't come across anything, and I mean anything that I've actually thought was bad.
Well, I suppose everybody deserves a second chance.: This is a nice little paragraph which is really just one joke and that builds up to its great punch line: "I don't have to tell you how important personal freedom is to us Nazis. " - Hilarious, ironic, great! Really this is praise after praise.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.: This paragraph is even more irony with a few sickly sweet promises holding it all together. Water to South Africa? Africa is the birthplace of humanity? From the Nazis? Brilliant. It's funny and there's not a word wrong in it, really. "Of course we have other plans as well, but I don't want ramble on all day here. " This made me chuckle when I first read it - what sort of other plans you begin to wonder? You've got to be careful that after the irony and humour of the whole proposition wears off you don't have readers looking for jokes and not finding ones. Obviously this whole paragraph itself is a joke but within the paragraph there are no individual jokes to keep the reader laughing throughout this bit. Maybe you need to think about throwing just one or two funnys in there?
No, that sounds good. I'd like to hear about your other plans.: " progressive plan for the future " - That's a brilliant way of putting it, a "progressive" plan. Illicited a smirk. "killing all the Jews is no longer something we're interested in " - The dismissive way this is said in makes this another hilarious line! "No, this time our grand plan for the future is in some ways set on a much smaller scale, yet in many other ways it will be the biggest idea mankind has ever had. A plan so elegant in it's simplicity, yet so tremendous in it's repercussions that the world will be forever changed for the better. We're going to rape each and every Irish man, living or dead. " - This is by far the best bit in the whole article and literally made me laugh out loud - laugh out loud a lot. Brilliant, random, more hilarity! While reading the article you'd always been expecting a twist towards the end, but I thought the twist was going to be a traditional Nazi thing coming out (e.g. carting the person answering the door off to a concentration camp) not one in a distinctly new direction. Raping Irish men? BRILLIANT!
Good Lord!!!: This is a great final paragraph to a great article. Well done! The whole idea of raping Irish men was unexpected and funny and so expanding on this should be very funny... "Whether we're cornholing O'Callaghan, buggering Boyle, or just shoving a shillelagh up O'Shaughnessy's shithole, we're gonna get every last one of those Irish bastards! " - Brilliant (nice names as well :-D ). I don't know what to say, I think I've done all the praising I need to. You get the idea, it's all very good. There are more bits in this paragraph which are great but I won't pick them out.
Final: The humour in this article is really quite stunning. My only complaint is there could be a bit more of it...otherwise you've got it perfectly right. All the irony and understatement is great. And the ending is really good (I'm desperately searching for synonyms here)... A whole lot better than your other ending with the cats and the blanket... What can I say? You've written it brilliantly and I love it. You have a habit of writing very well. I think this may be another feature for you... So have a 9, almost perfect comedy writing, here. Keep it up!